dreaM chaZer

change blog lah..

2009-05-18T22:56:00.001+08:00

out with the old

in with the new

www.m-dreamchazer.blogspot.com

why am i not happy

2009-05-15T11:32:00.001+08:00

I don’t know why, but it is bugging me. Why do I have to logic so much? I am the type that loves to run away from unhappy things and made sure I turn my back on it.

I may be upset and overwhelmed by something bad that happen, but I usually get over it. I really hope that you all see that. If I put a smile on my face, please respect that it is really a smile. How fake that smile may hinder my sadness, but it isn’t easy, so don’t pull me back down which question of concerns. I hate!

If one day I keep quiet, and don’t say a word, and if one day I look different than the other day, don’t come to me and say what is wrong? How are you feeling? And the most hated and ‘pantang’ phrase is “Are u ok?”…

Hey, if I am really ok, ur such question make it feels that like I am not that ok…meng meng, I am ok de..u ask like tat like I am crazy…ish~~…words of concern it may be…but for me, It makes me remember that actually there’s something wrong and I have to think about it…

Maybe this is not the best solution, but escaping all sadness is my way of life, and my key to survive.

I’d gone through many downturns this year…but I am up and going. I am putting down the pain. If I am hurting myself with actions that I should not do…please let me be…I will feel better that way. But if my actions hurt other people, tell me fast, tell me quickly…sometimes we may be blinded and can’t see well.

I led my life all this way all the while. Don’t change me, coz I am really happy with myself. Don’t forget I am a talkative and always tell others about unnecessary things. If I am feeling sad or what I do tell it out…I don’t keep it all to myself often.

If I miss, I miss. If I love, I love. If I don’t like, I will say. If I am unhappy, I’ll mention.

Thanks for friends that concern so much, and for those who know how much I lost, but without lost, we won’t appreciate the things around us more, and without lost, we won’t find that we have much more. Losing things is sometime a growing pain, but who don’t lose anything?

The passage of cure through pain is the most important thing. Dwelling on what we lost isn’t gonna get us anywhere ok?

Fake now I may be, but I am not hurting anyone and I am happy with myself.

tummy

2009-05-14T15:23:00.000+08:00

Need to get back in shape. This few months I’ve not taken good care of my own body.
Sometimes I get so skinny, and suddenly I become fat. This process goes on for months since I finish last year’s exam.

For your information I am fat now. My eye bags, no more red lips, skin complexion like dead corpse, tummy bulged out, and more grey hair again. I start to look like an old man.

I really need to get on the tracks again to get back my rock solid figure…kekeke…

I’ve not eaten well, and I may commit to gastric problems. Sometimes I don’t eat, or sometimes I eat too much (especially at night)…soon my cheeks will turn black and look like the guys in The Black Parade by MCR.

My eating disorder has become a habit, and really need to adjust it. Besides, sleeping isn’t a big problem for this pig. I either sleep too much, or I just get 4 hours of sleep. My endurance has weakened so much I become like ah pek.

I can’t face friends that I don’t meet often, coz I may just frighten them and I can’t let them see how disgusting I’ve become. I want to rejuvenate and look as fresh as possible.

At this age especially, we all should look our best, it’s the prime of our young adult life. So I can’t take it if I have a big tummy, grey hair, and pale white face.

Been jogging frequently lately, made sure I work out at least an hour a day, twice a week.

If u know me well, u’ll know I love running, and working out lately has become my favorite past time. Usually after work I will go take a few rounds at the park behind my house…I don’t care how late it is, I still make sure I make my curfew. I even manage to go out after 8pm, this may sound dangerous, but it’s quite safe as there are many guards around, I still need to keep a look out for bad guys though…

Yep…getting back in shape now…

do i?

2009-05-12T15:32:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I think whether I am supposed to love or not?

This may seem negative, but I do find out in the end that I did my best.

Sometimes there are guidelines that it is supposedly exist. How a guy should be, and how a girl should be, but maybe those are just how people see things and indirectly create a “must” for either guy or girl to become.

In a relationship, you should be like this, and she should be like that. If it all falls into place, then it is perfect. While if it doesn’t, u’ll say nothing is perfect, and u either give up that relationship, or bear with what you have, then mend things with choices you think.

Now remember we’re not making a wrong or right impression, coz everything is just how u see it or how u feel it.

For me, sometimes I can’t rational how my emotions react and in the past I did lost control of my own emotions and mind as well. Sometimes I think too much and in the end adding more pain into my own suffering. With a cuckoo mind, whatever I think may result in extra catastrophe.

And this few days I think, actually do I really love? What does it means? How does it work? And if I know, will it be another thing that is affected by how the world sees?

Doing a lot of things, do a little, or do nothing. How do u see it? Care for a lot of things, care for a little, or care for nothing. How do u see it? Understand a lot, understand a little, or understand nothing. How do u see it?

Do, care, or understand…what shows that you love someone or the other way?

I think back of myself, as what this post is mainly is about, whatever I do, does it shows how much I love? Where is the measurement in that? Have I practice it in the correct way or is it the way either the world or she sees?

As the saying goes, although the person doesn’t love you the way you wanted, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all their heart. This phrase applies to everyone, including me.

I admit I didn’t put my head in the correct way and my heart in another way. I shut tight my deep thoughts even I could not find. Blinded by my own pride and greed, I don’t know what I wanted.

After many wrong paths and challenges I confront, I found peace somewhere I don’t need to look for. I just needed to reach out and ask form God. He knew me, watch me as I grow and the best place to find myself is to be back in the place I was mold.

I don’t have to lean on the past, nor blame myself so much on all the wrong choices. As ‘tomorrow’ waits for me to claim the right to live better for myself, friends, and maybe you.

I’ll take hold of my days here as the ‘me’ I used to be, a happier me.

episodes

2009-05-10T15:29:00.000+08:00

We live through many stages of our life, and go through many challenges as well as sweet memories. Yet each episode of our life has an ending. So does this episode.

Been watching many drama series lately, and most of the time the last chapter is always captivating. Whether the ending is a sad one or a happy one, it is still the end.

I made many decisions, and made many moves, and turn the pages to find out what’s next. Sometimes I even jump a few pages, or fast forward the cd just to find out what will happen next.

I open many chapters and closed some, yet the episode is still there. Turn left; turn right, I am still in a circle.

3 years ago, a fantasy story became a nightmare. I may think that I’ve turn to the last page, yet I still hold on to it. As days become weeks, weeks become months, and months become years, I open new chapters before I closed the last one.

Years past and now here I am. I look back and see how the story goes. One episodeafter the other another, I really can’t chase.

The beginning and the end, many things happened so fast for me to even glance.

I write my last note, and put down the book. On the last page, it is written, The End.

Whether I like the ending or not it really is the end. Sometimes we may want a better ending, but in the story it is written that way. We can just take it as an additional experience that had gone through.

We tend to change, be it by time, or by people. For better or worse, it is an episode in our life. For me, each episode is a lesson. Sometimes we may learn things the hard way, but hey, I came back.

This series has come to its end. Another episode close.

i'll never love again

2009-05-04T18:30:00.002+08:00

I was wrong to let you walk right out of my life.
I was dumb to think that i could survive,
Was a fool to think the grass was
Greener on the other side.
Now it hurts to know that it means that i,

I'll never love again, never, never.

I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again,

I was stupid to think that any love
could compare to the love that you gave to me from you,
was a fool, yes a fool to think that
I'd find anywhere, anyone is better for me than you,

I'll never love again, never, never.

I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,

I'll never fall in love again,

And now my heart is stone cold because you've gone, gone away, gone away

Gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away

I'll never love again, never, never.

I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again

i'll never love again-Taio Cruz

lately

2009-05-03T18:48:00.002+08:00

So tired today, my brain is smashed and can’t see things properly. I am having migraines again and I am not using my brain at all…haha…

Been missing her so much lately, but all I do is just sit here waiting for the sun to come down and the moon to come up. How come I always repeat history, making myself suffer here by myself.

I am lying back, but I can’t focus myself. I stop thinking about her, and I tell myself I will feel better. Yeah, I do feel much more relieve, and this is what I should feel. I don’t want to hurt myself more, I dun wan to be a fool more and more.

Yet I am not pushing her away. I just need to relax first…I am doing well for a week or two, then I miss her so much again…

I constantly tell myself don’t be affected by mere emotions. Im doing well and I know I can pull through.

it's not too late

2009-05-03T18:00:00.001+08:00

I believe that the word “too late” doesn’t exist in my dictionary and I can’t define its true meaning.

It isn’t too late for anything to happen, just whether you want it to happen or not?

It was too late for me to study and sit for my STPM, but I excel in it. Could I say that the stars and hearts she folded for me in that bottle made a miracle for me? It is like a fantasy dream come true.

I thought it was too late sometimes for things to change, but we always make it through, and finish all the task that were given to us. I remember all the datelines for presentations and all, but it always is finish no matter how hard we pull through, we make it.

I also thought that it was too late for her to change, but she did change, and when she changed I told myself it is too late. Whatever she does, it is too late. I won’t turn back and I won’t let her in again.

Even friends who had brain ask her to stop loving me. I had changed, and it is too late for her to do anything to make me go back. Thus she easily rapidly, put me down. Hate me instead.

I showed the world that I and she won’t be together again, and I made everyone see that I am not worth it for her. No one beside her encourage her to love me again, especially not her own heart. It was rational.

To everyone, everything is too late. Nothing she can do to reverse it. Had anyone see me? Was anyone of them by my side? Then why judge people as they see? I told the world I am a playboy, and those people trust that I am. I am disappointed to those who admit that I am. I am sure you know who you are, reading this or not. You add black dots into your conversation.

Then, “it is too late, our time has passed”, the same phrase use against me when I reach out for her.

I return to where I was and suppose to be, but she told me that I am too late. It’s hard to believe as it happened only for a month.

If in the beginning I felt it was too late, and I turn back. Why now all of you follow what I am doing? We may be different, be we are humans with feelings, and that leads us back to the same line of people.

I will wait, wait till how late it may be u said, and continue to wait as if I never knew its meaning. I’ll show you, that it’s not too late.

it's coming back

2009-05-01T19:02:00.003+08:00

I had loads of fun yesterday and laugh our heads off like before.

I thought I will lose this and not able to get it back, but I did. I thought everything will change but it remains the same waiting for me, with open arms they welcome my presence.

Went back to school with Jr yesterday and waited our turns to go up the stage for our very proud moments. Teachers congrats me nonstop, encouraging me to excel better. I smile my way through the whole scene. I never felt more proud of myself than yesterday ‘cause I made another history again in school.

After all that we went to Say Li’s dental shop again, did chilled out and admire her all so wonderful private “clinic”. Had exquisite Thai food for lunch and went to sing K later on. It’s funny that our room was next to Sky’s and the form 5 gang. We sang a lot of English songs that day, maybe its cause we sang too many songs last week so we chose songs that we seldom sing. What a funny situation when KY changes her tone of voice from boy to gal, and gal to boy.

For the first time, we went to go “boxing”. Hahaha, at least we went to the arcade and throw our fist at the boxing machine there. We waited till the guys move away then only we went to play that machine. Jr’s blow is of coz the best; he got the highest score of all of us.

After all that we went to Hau Kee’s to eat crab meat and steamboat at yuelik. Jr was so excited to eat the crab he promote so much how tasty those buttermilk crabs will be till our taste glands keep squirting saliva out. It was worth it though how much it cost for us. i still remember i was suppose to have a dinner with her dad and it was crab as well. eating the crab was delicious, yet every bite reminds me more about her.

While we were eating steamboat we did bring back old stories to talk about even the times before all 3 of us had gf’s. Couldn’t believe that 2 years past like that, and in these two years, I changed so much more.

There were many happy memories and I could cherish more of it now and in the upcoming days I will spent with them. No matter how many people may come and go out of our lives, we 3 stay together. one love undivided. There just nowhere else I should go. I will stand here with them, Sisz, and M6N.

I may have many people around me, and not able to divide my own self, but these people mold my life and are my life boat in life. Every journey of my life, I wont back them down. I don’t want to be someone that moves on so fast with life till I disappear from the face of the earth.

as every part of our life we meet different people, i'm glad that we able to meet up at this pathway of our journey.

being cool

2009-04-29T15:29:00.001+08:00

Being cool. (I hope I am doing what I am saying)

I’ve not find her since last wed. I don’t want to put her into my mind right now actually. I want to go on my days without any hindrance.

I’m excited about tomorrow by the way. I’m going back to school to get two awards for academic excellence. It is not a usual scene because I don’t get many awards for academic excellence. haha.

But it is heart pounding to get the award for best subject and best student in STPM. I shouldn’t be so proud coz there ain’t many competitors around. I should say that it was easy without ex classmates like Queen B, CY, RE, and yah you know who u r lah…

Most of my classmates are in Science stream anyway…

It is killing me that I am going into a school that now sees me as a monster playboy. I won’t feel as welcome or as belong as I did before. The girls, the staring eyes of those who knows. The atmosphere will be as if I am standing there alone in a corner, while everyone will just stare and whisper softly to themselves.

The very place I should feel belong now has become a place I least want to enter alone. Even if my heart wants to see her the most, Now I don’t. There may be still girls that are close this monster. But my heart wants to be close to you know who. They have created a huge wall for me.

The worst part is, these little girls have talk of false gestures of me in front of the others. Spreading stories far from the truth. Where do I stand? No power in me to stop it for I started it. I want to hide myself. But why do I need to? How could I shut those f***ing mouth.

I can’t say anything coz I am really a sucker. I can’t mind what they say now, even if all this is bringing her further away from me. I just stand here. I don’t have to prove anything no more. Doing nothing is the best thing. The more I do, the messier it gets.

I will stop blood from flowing rapidly for I need to stop this heart from losing more blood. Really need to restore my strength, my faith, my dignity.

That’s what I have to do.

lucky

2009-04-26T12:45:00.002+08:00

Remember the song lucky? It just reminds me of me n S. I was lucky to be in love with my best friend.

I was lucky to been there where we had been. Everything seems so easy and went according to the wind. I want to be here, and she wants to be where I am as well. She wants to do that, and would want to play along as well.

I run, she run. She dance I dance. Everywhere I am, there she’ll be. Not by me side all the time by in our hearts we kept each other. Her presence is always with me everywhere I go, and so does what she felt.

Without saying a word more, both of us always blurt into laughter. We could make a fool out of ourselves and still look cool. Without missing her a second longer, her called is always a minute away and always on the right time when I needed her the most.

Each time it was like telepathic. She knows whenever I need her, like superwomen, and I always be the one to encourage through her dark times. It’s such a waste that we could not take mum’s pressure further up.

Frankly, mum and I fought lesser when she was around, she always knew what to say, and lecture me not to shout at mum. She told me to stay calm, don't fight back a word mum say, and it worked very well. But mum grew crazy after my hand phone was crash. There it started. mum blame S alot. I tried to fix the problem, but mum keep making it messier. Mum’s relationship with her grew tense as well. till this moment i still blame mum for making her leave me.

We still live side by side each other. Even if we fought, we still make up, thus bonding our relationship even closer. It would never come into anyone’s mind that we would break up. The seas were calm and there were no storms to be seen.

We knew each other too well, but I over see that I wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t the one who is financially secure. I could not give her the material things she wants instead I gave her more headaches too think about. Each night she would be vulnerable to the night life she love so much.

She was the one who had many people chasing after her, but we both just laugh at the guys that go after her. I never grow jealous of any guys, instead I felt ok even if he gave S presents. Just because the trust between me and her was so strong, nothing could go wrong.

But I never thought that the problem was that. I never thought about it.
Anyway, it was over and I am glad I learned so much from her. So much till I feel that I don’t need to put so much in a love, ‘cause it will go away after all.

I don’t love so much. Yet I unconsciously fall for you. I thought back our memories, but I throw them right out the window. It’s ok if I can’t find it back anymore. ‘Cause I hate myself more than you hate me. I don’t need your sympathy; I’ll just live my life ahead.

that why she goes?

2009-04-25T17:17:00.003+08:00

I am speechless…how can she bring back a story 3 years ago and hit the story back at me.

Does she know what happened? Does she feel that I wasn’t the same person I was then? Of all the words that could be said, she chose to say something like that.

“That’s why she left you”. She dare say that phrase out loud. She dare assume the story goes the same like hers. She over step the border.

See that she didn’t know me at all. See that I was correct after all. I know she hates me for what I have did, but does she need to react in this way? How to let her know that my days with S were 100 times sweeter than her.? Her jealous heart would not accept a single thing I say.

How will she know that I wasn’t a high demand person that I am now?
How will she know that I listen to every word S says?
How will she know that S was everything to me?
How will she know that it took almost two years to put S down?
How will she know that I blame myself so much even it wasn’t my fault to be blame?

I won’t blame M, coz she really doesn’t know. I never make an effort to tell her when we’re together. I told myself I won’t love someone as much again. And that was my selfish decision. after S, it mold me, changed me to become so cold even if I was hot on the outside but on the inside my heart is stone cold.

I spent and did a lot of things together with M, but a short period with S was enough to cover anyone’s memories. Just memories exist in me, and to this moment I know I won’t be with S again even if she comes back to me. Just because of how much she hurt me, like how I hurt M. i wont step closer to S again. yet I hurt M even deeper. And I’m alright now if she doesn’t accept me back. coz i've put S in the dungeon as well.

The same feeling I felt 3 years ago, now being felt by the one I love so much now. I am just out of order became so filthy and not to be sympathized on. For I still could not forgive S.

3 years ago me, didn’t have a car, didn’t have money to spent on, didn’t have a handphone for a year (coz spoilt by her) didn’t have a flexible mom, had responsibilities to handle, had a mom that keeps scolding your innocent friends, had a mom that gives pressure on me and S.

I could not go out at night, I could not go back late after school, I could not bring her to dinner, I couldn’t be by her side always (even if I were, she was still vulnerable to night life creatures).

I thought she was the one that wouldn’t see material things as a fact of a relationship. Sadly she did, and she left me there to be alone. She was as cruel as I am to you. Within two months she went on happily with another and they move on. Without me she continued their relation for almost a year.

Just because she is the same with the others, she wants the things that I could not give her at that moment, but I did not ask much from you. I know you could not, and I didn’t push you far. I just ask for a simple understanding and care when I am not happy. Maybe you see that I was so strong and I hate to be disturbed when I am down. Your simple smile could cheer my day, but you choose to kill it.

I am sorry that I became so short tempered. Its coz I thought u would know what I want by now. I thought u would understand me without saying much.

I remember the 1st month we were together, I told you before one of the reason I love you is because u have a pure heart, and you will love someone with all your heart and not by material things alone.

That was what captivates me to you.

don't say that was why she left me, coz u don't know. you dont. you forgot how i fight my way to where i stand. how i work hard to be "mature". i work on to be financially stabil and work on my relationship with mom. you dont know how much i fight for to stand here now. i would be me now if it wasn't for S.

blind

2009-04-24T14:05:00.001+08:00

Semua sudah buta…

Where is the love? ~~~~ Why everyone is just giving up their love? Forget yesterday, throwing their happiness away. We only see the pain we feel now and want to say goodbye. So goodbye we say and better we do feel.

Being able to put down a burden, we feel relief. Reality check, how long does this last? If your heart still has her, why you leave her? Reality check no. 2, why do you only see your pain? Why do you see that only you suffer, and the other don’t understand what you want, don’t care as much as you want her to care.

You see that you told her, you tell yourself you gave her a SIGN. A sign for her to know that you’re giving up, “please care for me now, if not I will go”…Have you think that actually that “sign” you gave wasn’t big enough for her to see? All you feel is your pain, and you’re blinded.

Exhausted you say to yourself you had enough and you want to be selfish because you think that she was selfish as well, “why can’t I be selfish as well?” this phrase keeps playing in your mind. I gave her so much, I did so much, I just ask for a small small thing, but she could not give me. So you choose to give up.

You forgot all the good times you were together; you could not see that u use to hurt so much to see her hurt as much. You would not want her to cry; want to let her be on top of the world. You’ll climb up Mount Everest for her, pull down the moon for her. She was the one you love. Why do you only see pain in her now?

Are you blind? Where has the love gone? She wasn’t as selfish as you are now. You are exhausted yes, but is breaking up the answer? Please don’t follow my footsteps. All this matter can be solve, you just need to keep calm, and be rational, give him a chance and see how he change for you.

All this don’t take a week or two, please it takes months. You can continue to be selfish if you want. But you won’t be happy. You did not see how he could change for you, he could be so much better for you, and both of you could be happier. Don’t fail this test.

I failed. Don’t you fail. You may suffer so much more when you realize both of you could be better. When you realize who you love the most is him will he be by your side again?

Don’t just see the pain you feel. Remember the times you had together and he’s the only one you shared so much with. If he could change, will it be a waste if you throw it away and can’t get back?

Don’t be blind like me…

just hate laa~

2009-04-24T13:38:00.001+08:00

If hate is what it has become, then hate la…

I have no power over anything. I should say I could not even control my own emotions.

I always say use my brain, but I end up using my knee when it comes to relationships. Why is it so hard for me to relax? Why don’t I enjoy it like I do when I was with S?

If she wants to hate me, let her be, coz now I hate myself even more than she does. I can’t ask for forgiveness, nor could I say anything actually. The more I blurt out, the more stupid I get. The more movement I make, the messier it get.

As you can see another move more, the knife cuts in deeper. The wound bleeds even more unable to be healed. I should lay low from the beginning but I keep on running and running faster towards her. I tried to walk but I always end up running after her.

If I say I feel nothing now, actually I really don’t feel a thing. I just want to go back to enjoy my life. I don’t want to add misery into myself, and I don’t want to make her hate me more. I am just tired and more exhausted.

For me, the pain of hating myself covers up her hatred for me. So I can’t feel a thing now, just living my life with friends around me and enjoy the moment that passes. I really hope I can do what I am saying. Coz saying really ain’t enough. I keep banging into the wall again and again.

Let it be, just let It be…I don’t want to care don't want to hear don’t want to know…

See myself in the mirror…Owh~~ so beautiful~~

8 hours

2009-04-21T12:42:00.000+08:00

We balance our day with 8 hours of sleep, 8 hours of work, and 8 hours of play, but we hardly follow that rule right? Instead we may end up sleeping 4 hours, work or studying more than 10 hours, n play around an hour or more…

im not trying to prove anything here, but we hardly c people working or studying 8 hours a day now. even travelling sometimes take up an hour plus… why is it so dull? Especially if you’re working, I don’t want to see myself in the future ending up working n working my life off.

Imagine ur time being bought at a price by a company. How much depends a lot on what you graduated on, and what type of boss u have. And imagine u don’t have any freedom to choose how many hours u work and u keep working till u get the job done, but when does the job actually gets done? One comes after the other.

Soon u have to spent overtime to finish everything that is due. Soon you realize u don’t have much time for other things…play, friends, and family doesn’t consist in your lifestyle anymore. Maybe u try to sleep lesser to gain back the leisure u lost. But in the long run…how does your health report shows?

After graduating form 6, working really took up a lot of my time to the extend I don’t see daylight for more than an hour, and I live in the dark eventually have no time to meet up the friends in high school.

Time…really matter a lot to us and different people value time in different ways and make use of it differently. For me now, I do hope to spend more time with friends and love ones and have fun a bit as I just graduate a heck of an exam. Working so hard like a ‘kuli’ really isn’t the thing I want now. I still have so damn much more years to live and work…this is the time to have fun!

This job im working in Low Yat now is perfect for me. I really work 8 hours a day but in between I log on the internet, watch movies, and chat a lot…its like having 8 hours more of leisure time in the 24 hours we have a day. After work I have enough time to chill out and keep track with mom as well as house work…

This temporary job is indeed cool, now I just want to be in this solitude sanctuary.

I conclude today that I went to sing k at greenbox the other day, and had loads of fun celebrating nicky’s birthday…and guess how long we sing for. Exactly 8 hours! Sing till our throat burst. The best thing is, that wasn’t even my off day. We sing from 8pm till 4am in the morning. ( all u can sing package)

Waiting for uni acceptance. Hope to get into a good uni and get the course I want~ pray with me…

Gan cheong o~~~

can't keep running

2009-04-19T16:39:00.002+08:00

Been running far away from track lately, need to come back to the right course.

Is there a need to run? In some ways yes, but sometimes running might just cause to me to make a wrong turn and BANG, into a wall. So running ain’t goanna help at all.

Sometimes I run away from the truth, and run away from problems, leading to more trouble at the end of my journey. Sometimes I take short cuts that may lead to success, but sometimes lead to failures.

I am walking now, but I can’t resist myself to sometimes jog a little. When I jog, I accelerate again, without thinking, I choose to lie, cheat my way. Come on, all this for what? You are so hopeless, u think u’ve change to be better, yes, u did change yet u still hold on to how people may think about u.

Isn’t the truth just easy to say? You bother too much how people may see u. I despise myself a lot for being such a foolish liar. So fake of u. I thought I had my way around the corner; actually I turn back to where I started.

Don’t run too fast, u need to slow down and feel the wind. Now relax, and say to yourself don’t add another lie to your life, admit what you are doing and be proud of it, because what you are doing now isn’t wrong. You are moving the right step, and you are putting the things back into place.

It isn’t wrong to admit that you were wrong, you’ve admit it in front of your friends and almost the whole world, but why could you not face the person that you always see every day? What are you afraid of? Afraid of being condemn? Afraid of being the wrong one?

Why are you so blinded? Is it because you’ve made so many mistakes you could not admit that what you are doing now is really correct? Please stand bold to yourself. Lying will not help, it will just add up to more and more lies…

Slow down Michelle, think…use your damn brain…. Remember; nothing is impossible.

nonsense

2009-04-19T13:16:00.002+08:00

How could such a person exist in my circle of close friends?

How can I let her into my life? And make a mess in it? I feel very fed up of this girl, I can’t stand her, she’s even worse than Addy…

She’s been constantly doing very childish and unacceptable things you’ll never know. Sometimes predictable, and sometimes not.

Almost every day surely there is a box full of surprise up for me to open it. Even if I choose not to open the box, another bigger box appears. Everything just adds up together as it is all link to that person. I regret a great deal to know her.

How could this be true? How evil she may be, she isn’t as crazy as that? I bet u don’t know what the hell I am talking about, but I never seen someone like her in my entire life. I heard of stories of crazy ex girlfriends, but I never encounter any of them.

Why am I in such a dilemma? I don’t have to care or bother about her actually, but she keep popping up, doing crazy things not just in front of me, but secretly behind me as well, and that I really can’t accept. I’ve scolded her a GAZZILION times, but to no avail. She just doesn’t understand the language I speak to her! Is this punishment?

Oh God, please help me. It’s enough to be punished in this way, coz it really is killing me… from the inside out.

I need to get out of this…………but im not running far away enough…I need to accelerate my speed, and go faster before she chase after me again, n again….like a nightmare.

monk

2009-04-17T15:02:00.000+08:00

Been laying down quietly, calmly and trying to enjoy the breeze of the wind.

Keeping my cool and let everything fall into place. I can’t predict the next storm, but I hope that I’ll be strong for anything cause I don’t wanna fall so flat.

I m picking up pieces of my heart through this journey. Along the road I walk trying to find which piece is mine. Should I secure your heart with a broken one?

Attaching the pieces together now, making it look fine. With this whole heart I would love you as if I never been hurt before. Love you with all my might, squeeze each drop of me for you.

Making sure this I don’t get lost in dense emotions that may cause chaos but be calm as I am walking this quiet road.

I may have everything in the world, but all is nothing if I can’t share it with you. Would you not join me? As we take on each storm that passes by. Would you not take my hand.

Unhealed, everything remains a dark stormy night to me. But I’ll go through this storm of life no matter what, I cannot back down or fall to sip the mud, but walk straight on forward till I reach the destination.

I will continue to lay here, meditating, reflecting, and have a sharp mind. Won’t be overwhelmed by rigid emotions alone, but with heart and mind I combine to stay alive.

i did it!

2009-04-14T12:39:00.003+08:00

I told myself when I enter form 6, I will excel in my studies. And yeah baby, I did it.

I knew I would not be able to participate in many sports activities, especially my passion for running. So I told myself, although I may not excel in sports this 2 years, I will focus on my studies. I won’t get the best student for co-curricular, but I will be one of the best students in a subject, or even better overall best student of form 6!

Hehehe…I am dreaming again…

I did amazingly in STPM, and I am really grateful for what I’ve got although it may not be full pointer, but it is really a miracle, from god. I really was so happy till I tear a few drops of tears down my cheeks.

See that I gave up during my time in form 6, even SK by me oso felt the laziness overwhelming each part of our bodies. Lost and numb, we really didn’t know what to do, where to start, and what the hell are we in school for?

If I would recall, I tell you being in form 6 was a nightmare. You don’t have the initiative to study when work after work is pile up on ur desk. What type of work? RUBBISH to be exact. I really don’t wanna complain, but even some teachers are pain in the neck. You’ll understand if r in the same class with me.

I failed my test many times, and even not show up for exams. Out of 136 of school days, I present 86 times only…(I’ve check the record book)…I was really hopeless in exams as well as school activities being held. I really lost it. Lost my touch, lost myself to self condemned.

6 months before STPM, I started my journey, yet I still don’t know where to start, I’ve even got myself involve in a dance performance during the trials, I wanted to back out and just let it survive by itself, but after all the wrong steps I’ve made. I still want to make up something, and show to the world I still can manage a team of people.

But still it was not the proudest moment of my form6 year. It work out well, but I’ve hurt so many people along the way, and gave the wrong impression each time I could not control my anger.

I enslave myself towards studying right after trials were done, and the dance performance was finish. didn't bother how many pimples pop up, or if my eyes swollen. didn't care about anything that was happening around me. not even if there's an earthquake...

I studied 24/7 day and night I made love with the books all around me. I was Romeo to be exact, coz I spent 3 hour for each subject a day not to forget an hour break before I date the other subject.

I was in a state of nothing else is more important than what I study. I set my mentality that I am gonna finish this race with all of my effort no matter what. If I win or lose, I did my very best and I didn’t regret a single thing I’ve done during that month.

Yet I still doubt that I wouldn’t score well. I never thought that I would get better results than the others. Even when the date approaches when we will soon know our results, I wasn’t hopeful.

In the end, I’ve done it. I prove to myself that I can do it. I regain all the confidence I lack during f6, and I was on top of the world. The whole process that day that I took my results was so memorable, of how Pn. Yong called me to inform my results. Tears of joy filled my eyes the very moment I heard “you’ve got 2 A’s and 2 B’s”…

To past all the subjects and one A was enough for me, but I got more than I ask for. That very moment, all my effort was paid off. All that one month of quarantine and another month of sucker exams was worth it. Two months of anxiety and stress. I did it…yeah…I did it.

rainier than december

2009-04-12T18:36:00.002+08:00

Rainier than December…miss you more than ever.
Skies always look gloomy these days, and it’s hard for me to step out in the sunshine.

Maybe the sky is crying out the tears I keep inside, unable to erupt. If it does, would there be thunderstorms and hurricanes?

I am growing cold becoming cold blooded as I am stuck here in air-condition rooms. My fingers freezes till the extend I can’t feel its existence. My skin may dry off soon and wrinkle twice as fast as the old lady next door. My complexion may be fairer but soon i'll look lifeless. I don’t want to look like a dead zombie.

I’ve lost a few pounds and soon slim down to look like a beauty. Adding up all this features, I may soon look like a drug addict.

Thank God, when all falls down, I still have home which lives mum that is in an unwavering mood. I’ve been at home this few days, and almost a week now I lock myself from the world outside away from my insanity. Being at home now isn’t as hard as last time. mum n I do calm down a lot and sometimes joke around…

It is really a retreat and a refugee camp.

Not seeing anyone, not meeting anyone at night. Just finish my chores at home, chat a little and go to sleep as fast as possible. In dreams, time past faster. As always, night time is always the hardest time of the day to go through, especially when u miss someone. Wouldn’t you agree?

I do hope that time fades her pain, and restore her faith in me.

blue moon

2009-04-11T19:01:00.001+08:00

Everything is blue under the blue moon.

Up and down…up n down, like waves beating up the ocean. That’s what my mood will be.
But when I want to feel better again, when I want to sweep the dust off my palms and help myself up. Tons of bricks come falling on me again.

This heart is so heavy now, and nothing can really cheer it up. even if my dream suddenly come true, I may break out into tears from everything. All because I have to face up with not just one person who left my life, my world, but a bunch. No I should be frank. Two to be exact.

J story keeps coming back to me wherever I go. Whatever I do. Each time I meet up someone, there the story goes. I really can’t predict and control myself if someone ask me about her again. How come too frequent this question comes back?

Tomorrow will be exactly one month. Or should I say tonight will be exactly one month that she’d left us all. I really don’t wanna think about it. But everything is coming back. There’s always something that reminds us, there always someone that bangs on my door.

Each time I answer ordinarily as if I am ok with it, I always add a smile towards the conversation.

But hey, I am not ok…

Ish! I hate to say this, but actually I am ok. Just that each time I recall, there it still lingers in my mind a while, and when another person come up to me and I have to tell them all over again… haiz…

I don’t like to repeat one thing over and over again, but our friends have the right to know bout it as well. If I reply solemnly or if I don’t reply they will feel bad as well. So all I can do is to smile over it.

I miss her so…and miss M a lot too…but all I can do, and all I may do is just nothing in her eyes. Even if I want to appreciate her more now, it would only mean rubbish to her.

masih bermimpi...

2009-04-10T18:30:00.001+08:00

I still dream that we would be together.

I still wish that it could happen. Illusions keep playing in my head, of how we will move ahead. I keep on dreaming, hoping that it’ll come true. Can’t believe I’ve become like this. So crazy.

I play out what will be, and I sit here quietly waiting. Waiting for my heart to break more and more each day. I am so afraid, as one day passes it brings you closer to him. Where would I stand then?

I would just lay aside in a corner, not able to get you back again.

I made so many promises to myself, but see it can’t be fulfill without you to be in it.

Why would you let me go now, that I am back. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t lie to me. Don’t break another heart. Cause it is enough to break my heart.

I dream of the future. Dream of you and me and how we would be. Why crush this dream of mine? i know I am guilty, but isn’t it enough that I have my own punishment already?

I’ll slow down…..

I’ll turn around and prove to you that it is real.

Even if I have no more strength left in me. I hope to watch your back, be that soft pillow for you to fall on, and be that spring to push you back up.

Not by words alone I don’t want to just say this.

courtesy in the lift

2009-04-10T11:36:00.004+08:00

I’ve been working here for 10 days, and realize some good manners still exist in our bustling city.

Every morning I will make my way up to the 4th floor by lift at 11am to be exact (the bus is also always on time). The lift (near the loading bay which is also near to Digi center) is always full with people.

While working in sg wang, everyday waiting for the lift is something you should fight for. If you’re not fast enough, then say goodbye and wait for the next turn, even if there is still place for a bunch of elephants.

But here, not just in the morning, but during lunch break, and also after work during the evening almost everyone practice good manners (in lift lah…)

there was one morning I thought no one is coming in, so I hurriedly press the 'close' button, suddenly the door open again and a guy came in. he didn't give a rude look on his face, but i still felt embarass and guilty. hey, it wasn't totally my fault because i didn't really c him.

But after that incident, I made sure I would look around before I enter the lift and see whether is there anyone rushing from behind or not. Because you see, doing a small good deed especially in the morning makes the day a happier one.

Each time I enter a lift, there’s surely someone pressing the <> button for other people to come in and in return they get a grateful thanks. Even if everybody is in a rush, there’s surely a little more time for you to wait for someone you may not know.

Here I don’t usually rush for the lift but be the 1st few inside. Yet I can feel how grateful that person would be when someone in the lift actually waited. It’s one good phenomenon going on in Low Yat.

Happy ^^

don't change

2009-04-09T14:37:00.003+08:00

Will she think of me?
Or just him instead,

Will she remember,
Or just forget,

Will she talk to me again?
Or keep silent till the end,

Will she forgive me,
Or hate me to be exact.

Well will she or will she not love me,

I will love her still,
In my heart she stays there still,
No one can change it,
Not even myself.

Even as night creeps in,
My hearts misses her so,
And if it rains,
So does the feeling flow.

I will wait.
Even as mountains fall down,
And seas tore apart,

I will wait.
Even if I would change my path,
Change my life, but not my heart.
It remains the same for you.

m2m

wasn't found after all

2009-04-08T12:42:00.001+08:00

The day I took you away from my heart is the day I start losing myself, without my notice.

When I left, I venture out to seek myself. Not long later I found one side that I lost. But by gaining this part, I lost even more of myself…

By leaving you, I linger too far away to another land I do not recognize. I try to adapt to this new place, but see I really could not. This place looks so nice, it lure me right in, and i did not take any precautions; I trust that this place is right for me.

But when I go in, it wasn’t like heaven but hell as I thought it would be. I burnt myself till my skin comes off and till I could not see my own self. I am lost.

Me without you is like a blind person without its stick. I really thought I don’t need you to be my stick. But I was wrong…again. I’ve gone too far away from where I should be, now I am looking back, and you’re not there for me.

See that I’m not myself, and I can’t be myself again without u. I din realize it until now. Unconsciously I’ve made you a part of me. I erased you from my thoughts, but keep coming back; especially when I was in hell.

When I thought I found myself, actually I did not…instead I became worst off. I may walk the road ahead alone, but I see that now I wasn’t that Michelle Leong that exists long ago.

As time washes away the pain S gave me, it wash away my true self with it as well. I am not that naïve anymore and I don’t wish to have the same past relationships I had. So I became different. I thought I was better, but actually I leave a part for me to rebel anytime.

And so beginning of this year, I rebel. I lost my loyalty, and I fail my test. The test between one going to work and one studying. I failed and could not re-sit this test, but all I can do is to make sure where my heart truly lies, and appreciate the moments ahead. With or without you.

blossom

2009-04-07T12:12:00.000+08:00

I planted a seed, but when it starts to bear its fruit, I cut it down.

I took my time to nurture it. I cared for it. I watered it, and made sure the sun don’t shine too hard on it.

But as time pass, I neglected it. I grew inpatient of it. All I needed was time, but as I walk through a garden, I saw wild flowers that blossom so well and marvelously…

I could not see that I have a seed with me, thus I go pluck those flowers for myself. I went on happily with my life and let that seed to grow on its own.

Yet no long after, the flowers ii pluck were actually poisonous for me and I became allergic of it till the extend I almost got ill and die because of it. There I realize everything was so different. What had happened to the seed I planted?

Just as I look back to see the seed, it isn’t there anymore. It becomes a flower now, and I could not recognize it. I wanted to care for it again, and make it mine. But it was too late. It isn’t mine now. I could not see it nor nurture it the way I did before.

The time I left it alone, It grew strong and I am so proud of it now. Even if we could not continue our road ahead together, I still hope the best for her, and the memories together are something that can’t be put away just like that.

I am thankful to once had you with me. And made me realize a lot of my weaknesses, not yours.

a month...

2009-04-06T16:11:00.002+08:00

does a month seem long or short? [keep your opinion to yourself]...

as for me, in terms of time, it is actually short, but how could so much have happened and changed in 30 days?...

and this shows me, in a month it is actually quite long...

for her to hurt that much...even before that month...she was damage by my greed and pride. dissapointed and betrayed, confused and hate.

within a month i let B into my life, and within a month i vomited her out. i could not swallow her nor taste how sweet love should be.

but by not saying no, i was getting ready to jump off a cliff as this pirate is pushing me to the end.

where was i at that moment? what happen to my brain? did it stop functioning, or just my heart hijacked it.

does anyone know that the heart has no eyes, only the brain sees. but what the hell happened?

and within a month, she's not there already. so fast this ship took off, like a rocket...like how i flew to pluto...

as i make my way back through space, through lightyears and lightyears, a month becomes so long.

a month....

don't need

2009-04-05T14:30:00.003+08:00

I see that I don’t need someone that can always be by my side whenever I need her. I just need her to love me and me to love her, and even oceans divide us, I will still love her.

I could see myself at that moment as if I froze time. In my mind, I constantly playback those scenes, of how I betrayed her. I stand beside myself, looking at myself. And how it hurts so much to be me.

It hurts to know that u’ll never be back. And I am just a fool to come back.

I can see that it doesn’t mean that we need to meet each day to love one another, or show how much you love that person. I could not see it…

I am sorry…

Deep down inside, something is calling. The bell is ringing. Wake up, look who’s always next to you. Next to your heart. Who have been a part of you? U change too fast, running away from the happiness you had, finding something else that isn’t there, finding someone to love you more.

But hey, come back…it was here all along, u just throw it away.

The tower was half build, on the way to the top, but I hammered it down. the times we had together will never be shared with another, and what we had wasn’t easy to build. I just don’t want to build another castle all over again. I am tired.

But when I come back home, u change the lock. And i don’t hold the key. Someone else have the key now. I am just a stranger that passes by. Only able to look through the window…

I fall so fast, and wake up so fast. I myself could not believe what had happened?

I don’t need someone to always be by my side if I don’t love her. I love you, and it’s true. So many times, so coincidentally you pop up. Why do u still appear in my heart? I’ve put you aside already. You should not appear.

Why do I regret what I did? Couldn’t I continue to be that monster? Why do have to wake up? And why when I wake up, you are not there anymore.

This is what I did. For u not to be there is ordinary. I can only blame myself not being able to know my own heart. And when I finally regret about it, it is too late.

hard to say i'm sorry

2009-04-05T11:18:00.002+08:00

Everybody need a little time away
I heard her say, from each other
Even lovers need a holiday
Far away from each other

Hold me now
It's hard for me to say, I'm sorry
I just want you to stay

After all that you've been through
I will make it up to you,
I promise you baby
And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me
I can't let go

Couldn't stand to be kept away
Not for a day, from your body
Wouldn't wanna be swept away
Far away from the one that I love

Hold me now
It's hard for me to say, I'm sorry
I just want you to know

Hold me now
I really wanna tell you I'm sorry
I could never let you go

After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you, I promise you
And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me
I can't let go

After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you, I promise you

You're gonna be the lucky one

When we get there gona jump in the air
No one will see us 'cause there's nobody there
After all, you know we really don't care
Hold on, I'm gonna take you there

Hard to Say I'm Sorry-Chicago

HATE

2009-04-04T16:46:00.002+08:00

I hate myself so much,

So much to the extend I hate looking at the mirror, I want to change my name, change my address, my look, change the things that can stop me from seeing myself.

Maybe I am just over saying this… but truly I hate myself right now, and the silly decisions I made.

I made such a fool of myself, even if the people around me could forgive me, I still feel that guilt so much inside of me.

How could I be so silly? What was I thinking? Why do I have to wake up from this and become even more guilty…if I could just sleep, and not know anything…but I can’t.

I was trap. To think that she could be that angel for me, I was so WRONG!... I put aside my dignity, put aside how people see me, put aside her past, but the whole situation over turn on me.

I am still numb and blur about it, how can such a person, I let her into my life. I know from the beginning that we walk different paths, but I still could put it aside. At that moment I was so blinded by the way she could treat me.

She was so good to me, and better than anyone could imagine. But all that was a lie, it had a price to pay for. It was wrapped up so nicely and under that disguise lays that trap for me.

I admit I was wrong that I did not push her away from the start, just because I was too greedy. But no one could imagine how much she changed in a few days. Just a few days were enough for me to see the truth. Why does everything have to happen so fast every time?

I’ve never met someone like B before, my friends did warn me to be careful, that whenever someone is good to you, they expect much more from you. They warn me not to go into the fire. But all I could see is a sincere heart that wants to be love as much as I do.

She hide a lot of things from me, and when we were together, all hell breaks loose. She is too good, and too bad. I find that I am really not suitable for her, as I can’t give her my all. She needs someone that can do that for her. That’s not me.

Could she not see that everything needs time, even how fast I rush, I still need to stop, still need to rest. I could not love her that fast. I hope you know what I mean.

I wasn’t giving up yet, I want to hold on as this is the weakest point of her life now. Yet again she breaks my trust and misused my care upon her. She had to make it so hard for the both of us, she had to say it.

I totally give up. I raise my white flag and surrender.

After that battle I will not show any mercy on her anymore. This I swear.

She makes me hate myself even more when I already hate myself. Why I could not see, or be stronger? Why was I so foolish? So so so so so foolish. I am awake now. And I really need to restore my brain and faith towards my own self. I really need to lock myself up to stop myself from being a monster.

Till I have faith in my own self again.

putting the rocks down..

2009-04-03T16:06:00.002+08:00

Im letting it go, unpacking the rocks that I carry up alongside the road I walk on..

It is too heavy for me to bear it anymore, and I keep on picking up rocks to add on my burden.

In the end I hurt myself too much to go on. I will sit down hear quietly as I should from the start.

Slow things down a bit, and be satisfied with what I have or had.

I have only a pair of hands, and a back to support. I really don’t have so much room for that many rocks to carry. Picking up unnecessary weight up on my shoulder.

I may grow stronger form all this exercise, but its overloading, and the rocks increases before I could grow stronger. I just want to rest that is all.

I see that I don’t have to gain so much by doing even more…I should see that I have people to care for me from the beginning…why become so greedy?...

Maybe the answer is I am greedy all the while, and it finally become the worst of worst. Become too proud of myself to the extend I don’t see myself.

That once little me…in a short period of time, become so big…and was swollen with pride. Look at yourself now, where have u gone? How far u reach what u want to succeed?

You did not…

Now u are just back to zero…could you not stay calm like u once did? When the sky fall down on you, u would just let it be ur blanket…u were…the one people were proud of u… learn from u, admire u….but now, u become too proud of yourself…

I am 20…and where I stand? Moving along as the wind blow u…

I sit here now, and reflect…I thank god that I am looking back…n make my past my lessons for the future…I thank god I have time now, to stop and see…not banging into the wall again and again…

So I will be…

pokai in bus...

2009-04-02T15:32:00.002+08:00

Today is another normal day with my daily routine, as I wake up, bath, eat breakfast, water the plants, set up my hair, and out I go to take bus…

But today I pokai in the bus for very first time in my entire life. To think that I am so agile n stabil, I came clean today. Hahaha…

The bus suddenly stop to avoid the car in front, when it break I was push the front, but still could stand up… but when the driver accelerate with force, I fall backwards and landed on my bum…

I tried to grab hold of anything, but there were only people around me…I can’t grab them, if not they will accuse me of molestation…

No one was laughing but I myself wanted to laugh out…but how to laugh like that in the bus…

The conductor was nearby at that moment, he held out his hands to help me up, I hesitated cause he wasn’t handsome enough, yet I had no where to grab except all the asses around me…

Thank god there weren’t anyone I know in the bus…but there were those I see everyday as we all take bus at the same time everyday…

I change to a new job again, in Low Yat now…the highest floor to be exact. Here I am too free, and really a nice environment…8 hours a day, 1 hour break, no one to bother me, I really do feel that I need this solitude from everything outside, and from everyone…

Here I have 8 hours to reflect on things, find myself, blog, log on the internet, read, study, chat, and basically just do whatever I want. (in this small box only)…

I do feel much more relax here, no stress, or burden…no responsibility…no nothing…

I just want to be a lazy bug awhile…as so much has happened within this few months, I really nid a break from all this hard work.

For me to be able to function well again…I nid this hibernation…alone…

slow me down

2009-04-01T16:22:00.003+08:00

Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me downDon't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Pass me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall

Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
I need you to slow me down
Slow me down
Slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe
Somebody please
Slow me down

Slow Me Down-Emmy RossuM

no!

2009-03-31T01:52:00.003+08:00

saying no to emo...

no more emo, just me o...

standing up on my own two feet again and not crawling on thorns and stones.

not singing a sad song to turn it around, just need to slow my pace down, not rushing into anything like a blind mouse.

come on and open your eyes to see, you're capable to turn it all around like u once did. why pretend to be somebody else?

when you're in Rome, do what the Romans do. i conclude in my way, when i meet someone, i blend in too much with them till i lose my own special essence. in chinese they say, meet ghost talk ghost's language, meet people talk people's language.

i forgot totally how to get back there, and i don't know where to start. at least now i know i fall too hard agaiN........and i know what's the main problem in me.

me not being me, but what is it i truly lost? where to find the thing that i don't even know what is it. im confusing myslef to much. STOP!

im on the way there, i know that i am. just pardon my manner at this moment and the past i've been in the most bizzare way. just unable to control it.

i was proving to the world something i don't even know where it would take me. proving the correct thing in a wrong way. just bull shiting in the end.

what is it u want to impress? why concern so MUCH on how people see you? u really cant pleased all...not each and everyone you meet. no Michelle Leong u can't.

what is it u want the most? where does it lead you? do u fill in the blanks? or u just sit in the corner waiting for someone? to care, to bother, to pity u? that's not you!

where is your true smile? that smile that killed so many (exagerating)... that smile that... that lah... where is your heart? ur passion? ur aim? ur dream? could u see it now? u need not that pity...

u r not that strong, and not that weak... u are... who u are...and you'll be...

don't go lingering away, following that wrong step, that wrong you...that wrong way...

i will be, the me, that janice wants to see...

mouse part III

2009-03-21T00:42:00.000+08:00

Almost 3 months…

Mouse tried to give up loving the girl, but that feeling could not go away like that. As mouse felt it could not make the girl love it like a normal boy, mouse never forces the girl to love it.

Everyday mouse would accompany the girl, and even just a little time together, mouse was satisfied enough. Be it 5 minutes or 30 minutes. But as each day passes, it is like counting the days left for the girl to be here.

Before she leaves, mouse really want to know whether the girl feel the same way towards mouse.
Sometimes the mouse put too much hope on the girl to agree, and it grew disappointed. Yet the mouse stayed strong, having a ready heart for anything that comes by.

Sometimes staying strong just gave a wrong impression to the girl. To create a better road to walk on, yet it made it harder for mouse to move on. Why act so strong?

The mouse is locked inside, unable to perform its best, to show how the girl could be loved. It is lock until the girl opens the key.

But as time passes by, mouse grew much weaker. It has not much strength left to go on. Mouse could see that the girl start to move away, and turn cold towards the mouse. Everything turns to winter’s weather as now another wall exists, blocking summer’s sunlight from passing through.

Could mouse go on? It could only if the girl demolish that wall that start to exist. Letting sunlight shine on mouse’s face once again.

only love myself

2009-03-21T00:34:00.000+08:00

I just want to love myself, for I only love myself more than anything.

I can’t see myself as important in your eyes, and I cant see myself either as I stand in front of the mirror.

Where have I gone? And what has happened to me? Or is it me all the while, just that now I start to see myself much more clearly as everything is seen through.

That I only love myself, and myself only.

Kindness doesn’t equals to care, nor does care equals to love.

Even if I care and be kind, would it mean that I love as well?

I really can’t see this heart, as it only beats for itself.

Too easy for it to fall for a person, too easy to care, too easy for it to break, and too easy for it shatter.

Too easy to start, and much more easier to STOP.

Why act tough? Why pretend each time as if nothing has happened? Why do I still smile? Why do I continue the things I do? Continue live this way… for what am I doing all this?

I ask this questions…but where does the answer lies?

For what reason I have to care? To be kind, to concern, to all…and suck up all sorrow and pain from the outside to the inside. I just want to go away, and as I thought I am away, all comes back to me. Just when I start to feel happy, all of it comes back to me. Hitting me so hard, I find it so hard to even breathe.

Just too short the period, but after all that has happen, the sting in my heart is so unbearable.

I see that gap, and maybe letting go will turn things back to normal. I don’t want to see you far away. Just let things unwind as I move back. Please don’t pull me back in when I start to walk away. Don’t pull me back in, cause my heart can’t resist it.

As strong as u r, I know, don’t change too fast, as how I am altering.

Why so much things have to happen this period of time? Why suddenly in high spirits, and suddenly in such appalling mood. In the end misery covers up all joy.

Is it that hard to be ME again? Be that once again ever so free thinking me. Just after form 5, I could not see myself again. I can’t go back, I can’t move forth. As that incident hit me so hard, I’ll never that innocent and naïve again.

Again not being able to cry out loud, and let tears roll down hurts even more than to cry. If I could just cry. I want to…cause I really can’t breathe anymore.

untitled

2009-03-19T02:20:00.003+08:00

I thought of many titles to suit this post but yet I couldn’t.

I never thought this could take so long for me to sit down and type. To gather my guts and evoke her into my state of mind.

I just cant imagine how it happened. Each time I think about it, n each time I want to type this post I stop a moment to mend this bleeding heart.

How was it she felted at that moment? Where is she now? Was she happy? How is it to be dead?

I lost a friend, a childhood friend, a sister, a twin. 15 years we were friends, and to think that it would add up to 50…I was wrong.

So much we went through…so much we did together. But so much more we DID NOT. I regret only not being able to perform the best of our friendship. As all of us thought of there is always still TOMMORROW. i regret the past four years of her life I wasn’t always there, and oh how I envy other people, of how their friendship is so strong.

Each time both of us meet, is like two planets meeting up. How far their distant, and difficult to meet. But too common our thoughts, needless to say a word more, but to understand what has gone wrong or right.

I always yearn to have that best friend, as she is the one that can make it happen. But now I lost someone who knows me better than me…where, who to find another her? That entire secret, all that experience just buried with her…only leaving me to remember.

Of how our life were too common, our mom, dad…single parent child, with no brothers or sisters only friends we gain as sisters.

And as sisters, we fought, we make up, and we cheer each other up. I still remember how rebellious I was in primary school, and how we hated each other. Yet we were always in the same society or club till secondary school. How close we were like sticky melted sweets.

Each year’s scout camping trip we would sign up together and watch each other’s back in the woods.

We would talk on the phone for hours since the age of 10. Making the phone bill reach RM300.
We went to Malacca together around standard 5.
We went to your house to swim each week and almost drown ourselves once.
We went out late in the middle of the night together.
We went to the same tuition together
We took the same school bus.
Wanted to move out and live together.
Wanted to buy Vios together.
And each time u had a problem, u would call me first.
We even cut our wrist together.
Each time we would think of the solution together.
You would advise me in my relationship.
You hated peanut in nasi lemak, and I’ll eat 4 u,
I hated the sambal, and pass it to you,
Eat bak kut teh together,
Go Safari Lagoon together,
you wanted to a optician, while i wanted to be a lawyer.
you'll love red, and i'll like blue.
Did so many many many many many many things together.

Yet, I neglected you after form 4. You left to Subang, and we were no longer there physically for each other. Yes we may think that you’ll be alrite, yes we’ll think you would come back soon, and yes I did not an effort to find u.

Each time you come back to KL, we would update each other bout everything. For so long, you’ve suffered too much. But how happily I live here in KL. However depress you will always be in Subang, I would not truly know. At those time, a friend start to feel worthless. Even the heart misses each other, there were no actions taken.

We could do better. Friend, we could have been better. I can’t find you anymore, can’t have that conversation anymore, coz no one go through it except us. US.

I really don’t want to be sad u see. For me I tell myself u r happy, we did not promise each other anything, and that is why I can let u go easily. But to lose u, means our sister circle shrink smaller.

From 7 ppl….to only 2 ppl.

1st Sze po to New Zealand
2nd Valerie to another school
3rd Loke to another state
4TH Chan to another school
5th YOU to another world

Leaving duo me and Cho together while Chan, Loke, and Valerie as individuals else where.

And to think that all would seem well as we entered secondary school as u, me and cho. U had to go away. If I were to say u are the closest friend to me, I feel guilty cause actually I wasn’t.

I could do better. You would need to suffer so much at Subang if I dare to fight your mum, if I dare to bring you back, if I was just brave enough to push them all away. I only regret not being better.

Thank you so much for being my sis.

I don’t want to remember what we went through during our childhood, coz every time I do; it reminds me that u r not here.

I don’t want to think that u r gone, coz there’s so much that have not been done. I don’t want to feel sad, coz in life u felt misery, till u had Him.

I want to cry so much, but tears ain’t rolling down.

you are happy now, i don't have to worry. you're the 1st to get married but too bad we could attend your wedding dinner, and the bride's maid as we said we would be.

but all is destined, and i am truly happy for u, u finally led a happy life... that smile on your face in that box shows it.

rest in peace sis.

room

2009-02-25T03:43:00.000+08:00

Here once again back to zero. Now the eyes open to see that it had been a job all this while.

I work my way to that hidden room, yet as I almost reach it I forgot to bring the key. I turn back, turn away from it, and lose my chance towards it again. The road I fight for disappear right before my eyes.

I weep not being able to reach the very place I found. Just like catching lightning in your hands, to find that room so bare. Why did I let this happen. To drop the key, is to go back to where I started. Maybe I’ll find another place that has my heart install.

But maybe isn’t enough for me. As I reconsider that very mistake I made, I had no strenght left in me to go on. To take back what I said, to take back what I did, and to do what I never did.
Could it all turn back, could I undo time. To go back where I drop that key.

If you’re listening to my heart screaming, please help me I beg. Show me the way to that room once again. For my heart lies there, unable to be taken away. I’ll go take that key again, but I need you to light the way, be my guide n take me there. Taking that step, front, left, or right, but not backwards please.

Forgive my recklessness, I wasn’t as strong as I thought I could be. I am weak without you. And if I go on finding that room alone, I will not make it. Don’t leave me here lost again. I really needed u, although I constantly denied it in front of u.

I made myself as bold as a lion, making my way through dense surroundings, but I struggle to combat against sorrow without you. I am sorry, a chance is all I need. I long to find that room even if it means I can stay only a few months, weeks, or days.

Would you contradict my willingness, as eager I am, I am keen to reach that room. I will not give up even if i turn blind, if I lose my legs, my hands, because I already lost my heart that’s lock inside that room.

I keep my smile not for me, nor anyone else, but remain only for that someone in that room. I am no hero for anyone, won’t be a hero without you. Tell me how could I be a hero without that someone to protect? No, I am just a wimp. A worthless rat.

Don’t let this moment go, it’ll never come back, don’t let blood flow, this second is ours to share.

As it flies, and as we look back, I don’t want to regret each thing that passes by. For time is something we can’t rotate. To loose something is better than to loose ALL.

white flag

2009-02-24T22:47:00.004+08:00

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

wHitE fLaG- dIdO

love me not

2009-02-24T00:51:00.002+08:00

I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

No more waiting, No more aching
No more fighting, No more trying

Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just gonna let it fly

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

Love me..

the Corrs- what can i do

mouse part II

2009-02-21T00:41:00.006+08:00

not long after that, the girl finally found out what mouse actually felt towards the girl.

to think that it will end their friendship, it ended the anxiety mouse felt. no more the mouse need to hide its feelings, altering its true character, blinding the girl from seeing the true mouse.

for once the mouse could break free, breathing once again.

through words the girl found out how the mouse truly feel. and through those words the girl was amaze, in disbelief to see this other side. the girl then knew what had gone wrong with mouse and the way it reacted recently. for once it came clear to her.

yet she did not feel the same way towards poor mouse. she loved mouse as a friend, not even close as a lover. a simple feeling, not complicated by mouse's thoughts. still a pure mind, unaffected by mouse's feelings, she offered sincere friendship towards the mouse.

at the same time, mouse felt a mixture of relief and disappointment. relief, as the secret is finally out, no more masks. yet a ready heart to be disappointed. for it could not hope for more, it was contented to have the girl continue to be by her side. Like a shadow mouse kept close to her.

as days pass, mouse gave unconditional love towards a girl that gave sincere friendship. still a small part of mouse hope one day the girl could love the mouse as it did for the girl.

she'll be the first person he thinks each morning,
the one he wants to protect, from harm, sorrow, and tears,
and replace it with joy, laughter, and delight,
a swords to fend all fears,
n shelter her smile from fading.

all this because she gave mouse something worth a great deal, which is.....her smile. All is enough for mouse to remain as just a shadow.

as his heart overcomes his head, he could give his all and just maybe once again he will fall too hard.

valetine's eve

2009-02-14T02:16:00.002+08:00

i really thought that i will go through this day feeling empty and unsatisfied.

in this 24 hours, alot of things happened and made everybody's mood turn 360 degree. i am really glad that i am not feeling emo, instead i feel so much relieve and proud to say that i am satisfied.

yet nicky, 613, and Fiona made me worry about them so much. 2nite, i saw all 3 of them broke down feeling extremely blue and each of them have their love ones by their sides. while here i am alone i feel even better than 3 of them.

here we see how frustrated it is even you been with the same partner for more than a year or two. To think that happiness follows side by side with loyalty. i may loose someone to hold this valentine's day but i still can keep my heart in a safe place.

the heart stays beating only to live a day longer.

how you spent your valentine's eve? Me?... 4 of us played mahjong till early morning while sipping whisky and gobbling snacks. seems that i ain't that alone after all. valentine's makes no sense if u r single or not. its just another day for u to hope for more, and sometimes ending up disappointed more.

Just let this day past with a calm heart not expecting more, but giving more will make is easier for everyone. cherish all that you have and be grateful of who is beside u now, be it that person may be your love one or not. It could even be your mum or dad, sis, bro, friend, cat, or even mouse...

mouse

2009-02-13T15:41:00.004+08:00

this is a story about a mouse...

this mouse fell deeply in love with a girl, yet two worlds divided them apart. Mouse may be independent not to concern what other rats think about, yet the most important of all is what the girl sense.

mouse could not love the girl longer for she will leave soon to another place, a place too far for a mouse to travel. as each day passes, mouse tried so hard not to love the girl more, but the mouse is trap in that hole that is being dug deeper each second.

The friendship between mouse and the girl became stronger, sharing their laughthers and past experience. they seem like the best of friends as evrything start to match. As their friendship grew stronger, unfortunately so did how mouse felt for her.Slowly the mouse could not take over its own feelings.

Mouse put that mask to hide what truly lies underneath and mouse maintain its smile each day although its heart hurt tremendously not being able to let the girl know how it feels yet to let the girl know how the mouse felt would definitely terrify her.

As that fake mask that was use to cover the secret start to fade, the mouse build up barriers of invisible walls to stop that feeling from over flowing. Yet as the walls build higher, the mouse grew more exhausted, and everything back-fired against the mouse as the girl lost the sense of trust between them.

As the wall is being build by the mouse, their friendship soon start to shattered as well. the girl felt that distance and gap between them. As the secret slowly appears while the mouse reacts towards its own feeling and carelesness. She couldn't feel the trust between these two friends.
while mouse tried to mend things, it actually made the hole bigger. the gap grew further while the mouse hide its tears among smiles that does not last.

The girl grew disappointed not knowing what has gone wrong with mouse, and soon grew frustrated to see mouse acting so weirdly. At this point, mouse does not know what it could do, as the mouse’s smile start to fade away as sorrow overcomes all happiness.

In the girl, mouse found true happiness and sincere friendship, and had the most memorable days of its mouse life. The mouse could not bear loosing the girl as a friend, what more to expect as a lover. Will it be selfish it the mouse kept its feelings a secret? The girl only saw the weakness in mouse as it start to complain about everything that happens, all those sweet
memories slowly being erased.

The mouse did seek other mice for help, and in front of them mouse could not even lift a single smile. Its laughter was gone as mouse loses its authority towards its own right to love someone.

It wasn’t easy either to maintain that smile in front of the girl. Yet the girl said mouse was selfish to act as the mouse likes not caring the girl feelings, hiding some thing from her was to abused the trust between them, when actually the mouse felt even more painful not being able to let the girl know.

If the mouse could choose the world around it, it would wish to be a human who can give the girl pure love and joy. In reality, it is just a fantasy. The mouse could not hope for anything from the girl, maybe just more misunderstandings as this remain a selfish secret.

If one day the girl may find out how the mouse felt, would she see how hard was it to be mouse. Maybe yes, and probably no. Because the girl will not love that mouse, as it is something even you and I could not accept, or do you?

Even yes the girl may leave soon, it will be too selfish for the mouse to let the girl know how it feel. That would hurt both the girl and the mouse. As the mouse try to provide friendship instead of love, it continues to suffer even deeper...

manual

2009-02-04T00:42:00.001+08:00

It is amazing that I made it alive without a scratch today.

Today suppose to be a worry free just an ordinary day…until once again I come close to driving the all wonderful MANUAL car…

It just happened spontaneously when my boss asks me drive the car back and fetch him at 7pm…I hesitated but yet I agreed…

When I step into the car, I had to refresh abit how would I move the clutch and get into gears…yet making my way out of the Times Square 4th floor car park wasn’t an easy thing to do when I’ve not driven a manual car for more than a year, (I must admit that Im darn stupid)…

Sudden stops and bumpy side turns not to miss the car’s engine stop each time near a junction…how pathetic, how embarrassing…but all that was in my mind was just to get back home and FAST!...

Fiona who sat beside me was quite encouraging although at the same time she was worried. She manage to hide her fears and calm me down whenever I get too excited…

Hahaha…what a funny situation…making my way back safely was a challenge, but back to Pavilion almost make me breathless. Going back to pavilion was even worst than I could imagine. Traffic jams turned the whole situation into a nightmare. Almost reaching our destination, I could bear the engine stopping a few times in a single road, I gave up and ask boss to come over to California Fitness to take over.

For me it was a huge relief! The torture of embarrassment could not be bare a second longer. I raise my white flag.

Yet that experienced is one I should not forget. It should come handy in “emergency times”…

_______________________________________________________

Its mum’s burfday, and this year really is a happy year. Really am grateful for friends who celebrated it with mum and their contribution means a lot to both me and mum.

Thanks!

so close-ost

2009-01-28T16:34:00.001+08:00

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
Just like me (Just like me)
They long to be
Close to you.

Close to you- Karen Mok

lonely new year...

2009-01-27T22:38:00.002+08:00

As for me, i never hope much for chinese new year...

every year its the same boring thing --roting myself in ghost town KL...

yet last few years had some turns...mum n i started to visit some "far away" relatives...and i did go to a house or two during new year...

especially last year...goin out almost evryday with the guys at work...singing K at Leong's house in Kepong...dine at Sushi King...when to watch midnite movie...ah....the days~~

but this year....not even a bird in the sky...all bak to kampung...or start work early...or at another state, or at another country...

people...where are you?....

four fine days of holidays...to think that i could spend at least one day out with my frens...ziah?...

today is d second day of CNY...2ml n d day after is also as quite as a graveyard...

yet...thank the Lord...today i went to visit some long lost relatives at Kampar...
to say that i am happy...NO...to say that i am sad...NO...i am just numb...

in one day time i got as many angpaos combine together for the last four years of CNY angpaos i got...cool...but the RM dint triple...hahahahahaha...

get to meet for the first time many uncles and aunties...to me, there really got no leng chai, or leng lui...thank god in the break of time...came two leng lui..and, they are working in KL too...

fuh~~ travel back to KL with butt pain...duno what kind of car seat i sat on...like rock...pity my ass...

anyway...i wish evryone good health, smoothness in studies, more beautiful or handsome, more money...and a wonderous not lonely new yeAR....

found

2009-01-21T00:06:00.003+08:00

its been awhile, i've not completely let myself loose. sometimes its hard to even take a deep breath.

maybe its cause i tied myself up, bound to punish my ownself, not letting myself being loved the proper way. i really need to gasps for fresh air, as i am drowning from my polluted mind.

growing up also means to know more...yet i really wish that sometimes i don't know. at least being naive makes my life go easier...as i add sugar and spice into whatever i think, i really can't make out what the hell i am thinking?

simple things i tend to make it so complicated, n who ends up suffering? ---myself---

why am i bound up to make everyone happy, but not myself? why am i so use to cheer every1 elses but didn't bother to care about myself?...i really think that i have enough...its time to cheer everyone as well as importantly MYSELF...

i found my answer...thank you...

[players dont write like this...]

Crush?

2009-01-18T23:44:00.003+08:00

I hung up the phone tonight,
something happened for the first time, deep inside
It was a rush, what a rush
Cause the possibility that you would ever
Feel the same way about me
It’s just too much .. just too much
Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized, and I just got to know

*Chorus
Do you ever think, when you’re all alone
All that we could be,
Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it really just another crush
Do you catch a breath, when I look at you
Are you holding back, like the way I do
Cause I’m trying, try to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away, going away

Has it ever crossed your mind when we were hanging
Spending time girl, are we just friends
Is there more, is there more
See it’s a chance we’ve gotta take
Cause I believe we can make this into
Something that will last, last forever, forever

*Chorus

Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized And I just got to know

*Chorus
Do you ever think, when you’re all alone
All that we could be, Where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it really just another crush
Do you catch a breath, when I look at you
Are you holding back, like the way I do
Cause I’m trying, try to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away, going away

Crush-David Archuleta

Empty

2009-01-18T23:38:00.002+08:00

A new year, a new life, a new way, a new start

Just coz everything is new…I have to get use to many things…

For instance, no more school life…no more secondary school teachers, new friends, new environment, new job…almost everything is new…

Yet I can’t cope with so many changes, this drastic revolution…

Making me feel as if I am taking this road alone…to a destination I really do not know…

I can’t see what is in front of me, what is laid at first, is now disarray… everything is just a blur image…studies, work, and even love…

How would I step up front? And conquer all barriers I face.

All those who are dear to me, now seems so far away…everyone may be just a phone call away…yet the feeling differs…

I really want to just run to a place…where there’s no one else but me…just me in a land cover in white snow and fading trees…there on top of the mountain I will scream it all out…all, that I am unsatisfied…no fears, no tears…just me…

break free

2008-10-15T20:19:00.002+08:00

aint it funny that most of us do things at the very last minute and complain bout how difficult life is...when actually its our fault to blame..

and every time we realize that its our fault we would then be in a such a bad mood...
and yet we never chamge...the cycle just goes on...and on...

yah..i m 'experiencing' d same thing now...n its my studies...i really m shivering right down to my toes...n im still wasting time everyday doing unnescessary things...

could i save myself? could i be someone who is more organize? somethimes i envy other ppl who could manage their time or daily things so smoothly...

i have to say that i m really pathethic...but i see some improvement in some other things i do...yet some things no matter how prepared u r, other ppl just spoils it.. being incooperative n all...haiz..d circle just goes on...and on..

i wan to be free! haiz...could anyone slap me? n tell me to be strong? i m really going down...i just nid to go through this two months...y cant i do it? i wan to score..score like hell...i wan to get into local U...i wan to get really super duper results!

but i m sked...i love to procastinate..love to do other things...love to sleep, love to play...love, love, love...i really nid to give them all up...give up my bad habits...

hope dear mum doesnt make it so hard for me like what happened during my SPM...

fuh~~~~

addicted

2008-10-11T00:50:00.002+08:00

been crazy about Harvest Moon this few days..could even play till 4am in the morning...

this game sudnt be played by me at right this moment when im having my STPM, n especially wen im so big now...

really acting like a small kid...couldnt contol my desires for this magnificent game...

yet though i noe i will surely get bored of it soon...

mum found out how i secretly play the game in my room...n i got caught red handed...

fuh~~~~

i really must stop this addiction of mine....

bye...

2008-10-07T00:41:00.000+08:00

isnt it ironic?

how we've meet someone, and we have to say goodbye...

i said a brief gudbye to someone i met not long ago...to think that that gudbye was for eternal...

i never experince something like that before...but i m really upset about it... to see him passed away in front of me...with all his family n frens by his bedside...

chanting a bhuddist chant, n crying to see his heartbeat turned 0%...

that scenario lasted for more than 30 mins...till the nurse have to say that we only have 5 more minutes to see him, b4 the nurse take out all the tiubs n wires away from him...

i have to admit it was a hard sight to bare...i even told myself to be strong about it...

this few days i've been a vegetarian...i guess its the only thing i can help myself feel better...

i just hope that i wont have to bear such a scene in my teen n young adult life...

Tragic

2008-10-01T22:36:00.002+08:00

could never expect this to happen.

when oni tat day i saW him...today i see him lying there...

although not a very close fren, but it still struck me to pray for him.

He has quite a charming feature, n really a nice guy...although he smokes abit, but he's quiting now...could see him popping 'Fisherman's Friends' every time he wants to smoke.

this guy fren of mine, met an accicent on Sunday evening. At that time, i was at a charity dinner enjoying the company of my frens...little did i know that he was suppose to be at the charity dinner as well..

i only know that he met with an accident on Monday...when 4th sis sms me bout it...i merely doubted...but who would joke about it?

to hear that he was in ICU, meaning that he is in a critical state...evryone rushed to see him...

couldn't believe that 4th sis was so shocked till she cried, n couldn't eat, nor sleep well...

to me, 4th sis is a tough gal...yet she broke down in tears...

to see him in ICU, bandaged...it hurts inside to see him swollen...n injured like that...

there were so many comments from the doctors, n it was all negative...d doctors even said that he was brain dead on Monday, n might not even make it that nite...

but really thank God, since yesterday he improved alot...he made it till today, n he had his 3rd surgery today...a succesful one...the surgery is for is liver, brain, n hands...

finally, docs say that he is in a stabil mode...although he nay have many scars, or even break a bone or two...His life is still going on...and he will make it...we know he can...

He is strong, and his will to live is as well...let's all bow our heads and continue to pray for Khai Ping...

update abit...

2008-08-24T14:38:00.003+08:00

so bored a...

will be attending the church annieversary later, but i am going to grow mold in this house coz i can do anything much...

i am suppose to be here at 1pm, n now its adi 2:40pm... guess this leave me some time to on9...

So busy arh...

Later nid to present a dance n a short sketch, while other people eat n eat... nid to be there earlier 4 rehearsal some more...

but at least its a dinner near the mines, i am sure it will be great fun as well...

___________________________________________________________________

the upcoming events tat i have to go through oso piles up day by day...

n this is the time i am starting my 'last minute' revision... haiz, wat a failure...

oni noe how to eat, sleep, and shit...

....

got to go la.....

fading away...

2008-08-21T12:39:00.002+08:00

i guess i wont be blogging for a while, coz i've been so busy for the past few weeks...

really ther's so much to share, but too little time for me..

having my stpm trials in mid sept, having to rush a dance by october...

Prom is today, guess i look so handsome rite now, with my black suit, navy blue tie, n grey vest on...

plan to electrify some beauties to their hearts today...(if there is any beauties by the way...)

this coming sunday will be the church's 30th anniversary...dance and drama practice again, i really duno what to wear on that day...i have to be girly girly...urgh!

22nd August, (2ml) is our 4th month anniversary...nothing special actually, but its actually the longest relationship i have, besides anyone esle...so it means something as well...

school reopens next monday...guess i need to make sure i wake up evry morning, if not i'll get a real scolding from her...*die*...

kekeke...gotta go to the prom now within an hour now...so cherio~~~

'Love Letter'

2008-07-10T19:45:00.001+08:00

He sent me a love letter in friendster comment before that Friday. He told me how much he loved me. But when I on9 on last Thursday and saw HIS love letter, I quickly told HIM that we are impossible. I sent to both HE and His current girlfriend but HE couldn’t accept me rejecting his love for me. That is why he came to school on Friday to tell me how much he love me.

His girlfriend told HIM that I didn’t on9 therefore I didn’t see the love letter. SHE was very angry that I didn’t see the love letter. HE told HER to tell my friends to ask me to on9 so that I could see his love letter for me. This is all because HE love me too much.

That Friday he came to school, I told HIM again that I don’t love HIM, bcoz he already have a girlfriend, I don’t love his money, and especially I don’t love seeing HIM. He couldn’t accept that I rejected HIM. His friend was jealous, so He hit me by kicking me. There we had a small fight.

His girlfriend just stand there and do nothing bcoz She knows that He love me too much and accept the fact. Afta that, She went back to school, and he left school. He was heart broken. So he plan to revenge.

On our way to Sunny Beach, He came back and spurt fizzy coca-cola on me. I guess He knew that I love coca-cola so much, he decided to pour in on me. At that time, I really can feel that he love me, but I already have someone I love. Give up lah….

He sent me two love letters altogether. That is why I have to reply his comments in friendster. Even if I don’t reply him, he plan to come to school and tell me how much he love me. Aww…so touching…

Just standing there, Coz she dun care

2008-07-09T19:45:00.000+08:00

Today I din go to school instead I slept at home. I am relieve that I don’t have to see HER ‘beautiful’ face…*vomit*…

To those who saw what happened that day, will also see that she just stood there like a mannequin. As MC hurried in n rushed to bring HER out, She walk out slowly, purposely. She didn’t want to be there, didn’t want to stop what HE is doing, she want it to be serious I guess.

Although she was pulled out, she just stand aside a didn’t bother to stop the fight. HER friend LK cried inside school to know that something bad has happened, she cried to know that SHE was someone like tat. Don’t forget, LK is her friend, and the other gals in HER gang said ugly things to LK…is this how she treat her friends?

To think that SHE didn’t want HIM to come was really a bloody lie! In school that day, SHE ask her friends, one of which is LK to call me to come to school. Why on earth she want me to come to school if SHE don’t want HIM to come. I heard so many people ask me to show up in school that day. WHY?

Like Ting Ting case a few years ago, SHE just sat down there and cry. At that time I really pity HER, I felt sympathy for her. I tot that she really was the victim of that case. But soon did I noe that she find people to scold both Ting Ting n d other who was involve in that triangle love story.

Wan May scolded TT. That story was hot at that time, d whole school knew, and made TT name so busuk d. but so was HER name. seniors said that SHE only know how to pretend. SHE look for CMK, Wan May n others to make sure TT go down. What for? This gal really vengeful, full of hate in her. And unforgiving. She really want those who hurt her to die. But in front of u she look so innocent.

She din care about HIM actually. SHE never tot that if that day the person I hit wasn’t ah bi, but HIM den how? If that day He got hurt, how? She dint even stand close to HIM, coz I believe that she feel so malu. Malukan dunia a…

That night HE call KY and apologize for that incident. he said sorry to KY. But not me. Now lets use our brains and think how did that happened? Because she cared for KY more than HIM. She didn’t want to hurt KY. But I also have to admit that KY was not involve. KY didn’t do anything. But don’t forget, that day HE n his fren pulled KY away 1st that day, KY told me that HE really wanted to hit KY, coz HE was holding his fist so tight n showing it up in the air.

There are so many questions…so many to tell…everyday I am writing an essay here very exhausting leh...ask me do homework oso not that semangat…Haha…I summarize the story, so maybe I forgot to jot down other pathetic stuffs SHE did… niway maybe not gonna update ani post di…need to rest my hands…haha

Facts to her Lies

2008-07-08T18:38:00.001+08:00

After breaking with KY bcoz of HIM was already sumthing critical she did. She kept on bothering KY…KY doesn’t belong to Her, why still wana hold on to KY afta d break up? If She with Him just so that KY would forget Her, den y still scold MC? She ‘ejek’ MC can…we ‘ejek’ Her two words canot LAH?!

It was such a nuisance to go through tat period of time. She promise to me that even if She really with Him, asked her not to let KY noe…But after breaking up for not more than a MONTH She wore a pink odm watch, a present from Him..

It was bad enuf to break up with KY, then still go and wear tat watch, some more got write ther “….& PINKY 4EVA”… not long afta tat, she send a text message to KY n said She’s giving ky bac all d stuffs ky gave. She quote that “ALL THIS HAS NO MEANING FOR ME ADI”… this made KY so angry, frustrated n sad. But she din giv back the bag a…stupid~~ hahahha~~ now she’s using a kinder garden bag, suitable for her leh..

No one ask back for the bag, but how does KY feel seeing her still bringing that bag, that will make KY feel tat got ‘hope’ gah…seeing a gal she loved having a new bf. How wud u feel? It is enuf…

One find day, MC n KY pretend to be together. It was only pretend. She was too clever to believe that dey were together. That is where the trouble start, n everything comes out. Sum Tin Ha, Her friend who always sms KY, send message to KY again. This time telling KY tat “She is very sad n heartbroken, WHY MC TAKE HER MOST BELOVED AWAY?”…WAT?!! who is her most beloved? Not HIM meh? They already together wat.

What about She saying that She was more HAPPIER wit KY den wi Him. Why? Worst part is, every time in class She would say out bad things to MC. She say can, we say cant geh…how does MC feel a? She even say that “ if u hav girlfriend oso, dun be with a girl tat is in d same class with me, its very hurting”, “KY hug MC in school more than ME”…what is all this? Apa?? What hurt? She not got bf meh?

There were still so many things she did…even she cut Her hair, she go n tell people that she cut it bcoz of KY. So tat she can forget KY. Why want forget KY? Oso break d loh. She sud love Him more not KY lah, coz she purposely break up wit KY bcoz of Him.

We din treat her bad before this. I remember starting of school she couldn’t go to BUDI class she was very sad, she told KY, (tat time adi break up a) so KY ask me if I could help. Bcoz I help sioo yien go to Anggerik class before, n Wan May oso ask my help b4. She oso no geh…so use me la…but I still help Her. I went to her class, wen to c Pn Ong. But too bad, she was too stupid, can’t help her…she now still in C class ahahahahhaa!

In her damn blog, she adi write so many stupid de things. YOU think I duno meh, thx to people sibuk sibuk go c ur blog n tell me…b4 I call u that 2 words u adi start the war. You start it, how come you cant be like your sister? People respect your sister, but really not you.

Blog Wars-the Next Level

2008-07-07T18:43:00.003+08:00

I’ve heard so much today. So much from students in F5, F4, and even F3. Guess the younger ones dun hav a clue of what’s going on. I am glad tat all this happened. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at all the facts I’ve heard today. It is really starting to get interesting.

Thx to Friday’s incident, students are aware of this. Evry1 starting to see her horrible side. For those who already knew what actually happened suddenly come out and tell me more black things. Wow! I’m so delighted. To hear so much more…please tell me more…

All I heard today was from various people, not connected to this situation. What they say, really make me relieve, bcoz they back up wat we tot of Her. We now know tat we didn’t accused her simply. We didn’t just talk nonsense, we told the truth. We voice out how we felt about her actions.

Just saying words, just by listening to what they say. I already feel a sense of victory. Time by time, it will become a tremendous VICTORY. She may look tough, truly she is just losing it slowly. All tat we thought of Her, all that we claimed, n said, were truly more than 60% true. Where the other 40% go? Hiding behind her mask, behind her lies, pretending to be pity.

To think tat she had what it takes. BLEK PUI! Who she think she is? Queen of SMKPJ? Come on, please look into the mirror. Glass break loh…

Please don’t be so thick skin here, you really dun have a place to stand in this place, in d society. You must not forget who we are. Who are on our side of this game. You only hav Him. And who else will even bother help u bring us down? I really don’t c anyone else giving u a helping hand. Who a??

I oso found out today that a lot of people leaving comments in your blog. Wow! I din noe tat! You’ve become a SUPERSTAR. Congratulations yah! Surely all this is bcoz u are so hated by not just ME, but SEMUA ORANG~ (except ur beloved lah)…all thanks to urself.

She really isn’t embarrassed or ashamed by the humiliation brought to Herself. Sad to say that when more n more people know d truth, does She still have place to stand mou? Thick skin-nya~~~

Do stick around and enjoy the upcoming post tomorrow, I assure u great pleasure!

Just standing there, Coz she dun care.
Facts of her Lies

The thruth is out there

2008-07-06T14:10:00.001+08:00

I can’t help but feeling excited about tomorrow…I’m not sure why, but I just do.
I feel much beta today, a new inspiration n no longer guilty. Boy how fast tat happened.

An act of love was perform out by a guy d same age as mine. This wud be a compliment if he wasn’t on d minor side. I am glad to announce tat all this happen to benefit us d most. A trap made by themselves 4 themselves.

An incident tat revealed her very dark side to all. A move she made without thinking of the consequences. What if the teachers call us to the “Room”? Who will be blame for such an act? The eyes of people who saw, and ears tat heard. Questions roaming around.

What was it all about? Slowly the truth spreads out. Who will look the ugliest? As the influential group in school, wouldn’t she find a hole to hide up her face, her shame. She may stand tall n still talk loud, but at will people’s perspective on her? What he had done made a gateway of opportunity for us to bang her back down.

To think tat he was protecting his most beloved, he destroy her. Her face, her dignity, her status…it ain’t mean anything no more…to be her, I would be shameful…how could she bring us down? Just to think tat she alone can do it. He cud have done beta. Just too bad it was a wrong move. A wrong step.

Never have I encounter such a thing in my 18++ years of my life. I may have a few tat will support what I say, but hey, if she can do it, I CAN do it better. If she can write n get away with it, why can’t I? if she can babble and not get bash up by her own words, den I sud too…sudn’t I?

This progress in internet publishing technology has both harmed n might benefit us all. She chose to abuse it. Well this tool may come in handy at some times. Cheers!

i am OK..

2008-07-05T00:54:00.000+08:00

An incident occur yesterday as a once in a lifetime thing.

Right now I jus couldn’t put things together. For once I let anger to conquer me. I’ve let it take me over. Couldn’t think appropriately as everything went so quickly. Thinking about nothing, nothing but just to keep KY away from it. Instead I got myself deeper into the situation.

Before all this, everything was done just to create anger. Making a stir in d air, jz to make her feel how it wud be felt by anyone in tat situation. In a situation tat every1 thinks d exact opposite of the truth. The bended truth being spread till it reaches our ears.

Trying to be strong, to be bold, to stand out from it. Trying to bring d truth back. Yet I was carried away. Being abused blindly by anger I was. Too carried away till we went away from the main point. Ending in sumthing ugly. Sumthing I never tot of.

In an issue of settlement ended up in a physical fight. A selfish fight. A fight tat made no point, no meaning to it. Instead I’ve made those closest to me worry. How cud I be so selfish? To think tat I am d only one. Tat I stand alone, yet I am no longer single. I js cudn’t act so selfishly. For I have some1 tat shares my joy n pain with me. I rili dun1 her to feel my pain…sorrowed bcoz of me.

There were really no means for fighting, but why take steps so violently? Is it d way to settle it? A physical fight? I chose to come alone, to prove tat I didn’t mean to fight, but I doubt that it was just a normal settlement, he was so ready, so full of fire, any1 cud c jz by his body language.

To act in a tat way was their decision. A decision being influence by a sinister plotter. A plotter who deceived d very man she loves. She did it before, I wont be surprise tat she repeats it. It is what she is excellent in. A record…as she creates her own history. Bravo!

To jot down what she’ve done, wud just make me easily bcum like her. We chose to keep queit before all this, but 4 what? So that she cud continue being a fool? Hurting almost every1 she comes across. Even friends close to her.

A few words spark out ragging fire in this atmosphere. If she could feel sorrow and misery by just two words in this very short time…den I’ve succeeded. And how does those multiple people feel by her own misdoings? Her immorality…we are not people tat let some1 steps all over us over n over again…I am sure you r not either. But how does it feels? When u face tis in school almost everyday? When u just ignore it…n let it go worst? Stand in our shoes n see…

What she felt was only for a while. What was felt by d other side was enormous…n truly not a short period…I certain u tat…Has any1 wondered, WHY NOW?

This goes out to a guy who loves a gal with all his heart. Yet his virtues are blinded by it.

Regards...remember...

walk on

2008-04-21T20:30:00.002+08:00

No longer do I yearn for the past now…

Guess that I couldn’t bear to see myself repeat that same mistake…

Too tired to do so many stupid things…just to prove that I can do better than last time… maybe I din grow up…but I know what I am doing now…that’s all that matters…

Trying so hard to push myself to that limit…to the extend that I am the best…but I really gotta know that I am not…no one is perfect…know where I stand, and where I came from…

I’ve let go of her…and I’ve found a someone…that I din’t notice of her existence since…
Since…I don’t recall…all I know is that she was there…but we din’t see ach other in this way we see each other now…

I tot of her as just a kid…as the bunch of gals she mix around with, I owaz underestimate them…yet heaven gave us a chance to talk to each other…pouring out our inner secrets…

Since then, we treat both as someone we can rely on…

Having fun is what we do most of the time…and in hard times, she listens to me, and most important of all she understands what I say…it comforts me in a way…

Guess that I’ve move on so quickly…I am happy that I am…

I really have no strength to chase for someone that doesn’t appreciate me at all…what I do n like doesn’t influence her at all, yet I am the one being change to be more like her…

Here I hold firm what I see in front of me now…

_____________________________________________________________________

got my new handphone today!! Really excited coz I don’t have to pay a single cent for it…

it’s a nokia 5310, blue…

now that I’ve a new hair cut, new hand phone, and a new someone…I just realize that quitting my job is a clever move…its clear that after I quit, everything turn out so smoothly for me…

even if I work, I find myself much more in debt than last time…I spend more, and still have to give a third of my salary to mum…

ha!! So free..so happy…but still in dept…waahahahah…..

awaken

2008-04-16T19:30:00.002+08:00

...aiyo, my hair short adi...

went to KY's house yesterday for a hair cut...still not use to this new hair cut...coz short...short~~~ but really its not bad lah...for some1 who doesn't go to hair trimming academy, its really not bad...my mum tot tat i went to a saloon or wat, but wen she know it was KY who cut it, she really din belive me...

hiaz, i today din go to skul again...last nite pn moorthy sms me say that today got cheer meeting, i oso ended up skipping skul...

i duno why, but i am really letting go...it seems so easy...i myself feel doubtful...

guess its coz we dont bother each others life...i go my way, and she goes hers...
i did wat i could, but it wasn't enuf, instead of sulking over it...i am standing up...

'sun kei ji yin' tis four words, KY owaz tell me...but i owaz say that it won't work, coz of how i act...how stupid i become in front of her...but now...i think that is the best way i can go on with...'sun kei ji yin'...as i am far away from her, she really doesn't disrupts me...

ha...can breathe once more...the upcoming camp, and my studies is wat i am looking forward to rite now...not to forget, the lower sixes...

not a step further

2008-04-14T20:14:00.000+08:00

Stop here, not a move further…

Guess this is where I stand, as if I step in further, it would just make me realize the thruth..

That hurts even deeper by each step I made, by each step she moved…

The last day of work, was the last day I saw her…that was four days before, and since I dunno when, we’ve not talk like normal before…

I feel even stupid that each time I message her, she’ll never reply…even dense when I dunno what to do…

Could I say we have nothing for each other, not a sweet memory for the both of us to keep…so if I let go, there isn’t anything holding me back…should I open my eyes and see it earlier…

I am once again deceive…not by beauty, but her inner being…I am deceive…

I bring myself this…mess…I should be strong enough to handle it…that my eyes were blinded once again…I am fooled…

Where could I find? Someone…that someone…I stopped…I rested…when I thought I am ready to love, I’ve hurt…and being hurt back again…that equal hurt, rolls over to this even deeper pain…

I feel empty once again…I am useless…

...

2008-04-13T15:31:00.000+08:00

Its still bugs me though…

Had a successful BBQ dinner on Friday nite…never been so relax, as most of the things sapphire house gals did…and not to forget TY’s mum n dad, and maids…

Rite after the dinner, 4 cheer gals overnited at my house…so ‘shuang’ o… 4 leng lui sleep at my bedroom…wahaha…it was a bit pack as Jr, KY, n XJ oso overnited as well…imagine 8 ppl in one room…that nite broke record…as the most amount of ppl sleeping in my room before were oni 6…

A bit sad that some cudn’t come…a bit sad that I am still this way...a bit sad that I still have “some” things to do…the term a bit really means a bit…

____________________________________________________________

Have I finally figured it out?

That I sud let it be…not doing anything…coz there’s nothing I can do…is this the way to the solution?....i don’t wan…I feel myself letting go a little by little…as I know how happy she is without me…I will jus erase myself out of her life…and in a month o two, there’ll be no more m’leong in her dictionary at all…

Why am I holding on? Holding on to someone that already have someone taking care of her…wudn’t it be better if I just let go, as our minds and thoughts differs…we wudn’t be happy even as such little mix-up is killing me now…how to live on later?

To change myself…to suit her…suit her thinking…make myself think more mature…the more I think about it…the more immature I get…I become…if what I am now isn’t what she likes…then why sud I change?...i want someone that sees me…and is proud of who I am…

Of all the people I meet, I find her the one that isn’t even interested in the things I do…I never draw myself to close to people who are like that…but why her?...of all the one I fall for…they could at least see a spark in me…but why not her? Hasn’t she love me before?...who she really love, me or another someone that looks like me?...huh?...

Or maybe its coz she sees the real me that she can’t accept, and what she’s doing make me can accept it as well…that’s it…that is it…I am still the one to blame…

I am really a useless fool…I sud look into the mirror and see that fool looking back…

2008-04-09T19:14:00.002+08:00

crawl myself out of bed by almost noon...

it feels so much beta at home den sitting in class listening to Pn Ramlah...rather die den sitting in her class for a period...

wen to ts to meet up XJ n KY...later to gold river...ther i saw a shop selling wantan mee...saw d chinese writin below d 'wan' word...it look so familiar...never notice its writin in my life b4...it was her last name...

some say i sud give up, as that may be d purpose of what she is doing...but how cud i? especially wen ther is so much misunderstandin...dun i have the chance to correct it? or sud i say, i dun nid to do it...its just a waste of strength...so wat if v settle this? that scar still remain...she may not heal that instant...i may not heal that instant...

this guessing game i dun wana play...listen to me...listen to my heart...but why don't i open my mouth?!!!

i've become too afraid...i feel so useless...this never happened before...i duno how to face it...i never come across someone who thinks like her...

i....i duno wat to do...each step i made, i am so afraid to make d wrong move...1 wrong move wud just take my life away...it is so dangerous...

now that we hardly see...hardly talk...wen are we gona be normal again? this i do not know...but please...dun let this last any longer...let's not suffer like this...or sud i say, dun let me go trough this misery....

this weekend wud really be busy...as i finally stop work...ther'll be a celebration party for Sapphire house...two to be exact...hope that it'll go well...

my fault

2008-04-08T21:01:00.004+08:00

din go to school again as usuall...even now that i am suspended from being a prefect for a month...

Jr came this morning...accompany me through this really hard time...

thinking twice wether to go to confucian to see d basketball competition or not...

wether i would see her not...in the end i went...really dun wanna be at home...

i reach there just as they finish skul...but yet i din see her...maybe its coz she dun wana see me...even if i did see her...what would i say to her? how would we see each other?

______________________________________________________

Its my fault to blame…it all started way back when during the week after her exam in march…

That was when I find that her thinking and mine differs…a lot...at that moment I said to myself how am I to cope with someone that thinks exactly the opposite of me?

She reminded me of how cruel can love be…of how sinister it could be…all I wanted was just a pure relationship...but just by loving someone is really not enuf…really it isn’t..

She’s independent, I know…cud she not let loose abit…and let someone like me come into her world?

At work wher we see each other most of the time…is even more dreadful after the week we had our skul holidays…we barely talk to each other, and she always think that I ‘fat pei hei’ coz I don’t say a word…believe me, its not that I dunwan to…its coz I am really tired and work is really not the place I talk most…

At times wen I told some of d daily things that happen in skul o wat problems I am facing…she would just pour cold water on me…is that how to comfort someone?...i am really not use to it, I am sorry…mayb in her eyes, what I told her is just too childish for her to listen…therefore I chose to kip quiet… “talk more, wrong more”…

As I loose confidence each time I am in front of her…I really acted out stupidly…even the conflict between me n dear mum…I cant hide it away from her…of how dear mum owaz do even stupid-er things than me…I am really ashamed of dear mum…I really dun do things well…that is just my weakness…that she cant accept…

I don’t talk well,
I can’t handle situations properly,
I am retarded…

A month before her burfday, I work 4 days a week, wen I oni work Sats n Suns…I know that I use a lot of $, n I really wanna buy sumthing nice for her, like wat she bought for me…I mange to save a sum…but I still wana be thrifty, I save up my on phone bills…as she’s a maxis user, n I am a digi user, I cudn’t sms her as I din even have the money to top up…my mum wouldn’t lend me her handphone…I know that this situation would only last a while…but I was wrong, that little while I din’t sms her brought enuf disaster for both of us…I regret…

I cant think of anything now…I’ve no longer the strength to continue typing out what has happened before…

I oni want myself to be back myself…I really dun wana push myself too hard to the extend that I can’t recognize myself…I can’t maneuver my life properly…I am afraid I am going the wrong way…to change myself for the better? Or be back the m-leong that suppose to be…

Come on lah…you can do it….HOU MOU?!

couldn't express...

2008-04-07T19:34:00.004+08:00

i am so exausted now...

i never been so down, since...since you know who...left me...

i really can't take it...why is it so hard for two person to be together?

why is it that some of us couldn't appreciate people in front of us...

in this war for a while now...tot of giving up, really...but easier said than done...i am really lost now...it hurts so much, till i can't open my mouth to talk...how could this be? how could m-leong not talk...

we went well at first, didnt know that it would be like this now...it has come to not replying my messages, giving me cold words for me to listen, hiding from me as if i am a lunatic...

i admit that i am childish at times...and i can't match her matureness...
is that the problem we are facing?...

i really dont know...i don't know what to do? what to say?...i bcum numd in front of her...i never know why...i can't control it...i could cry just whispering what i want to say to her...

there are so much misunderstanding between us...i really duno wher to start...i want to open my mouth and talk...but each time i do, i feel even more stupid...someone please help me...

as work is pilling up...i really dun wish tat my emotions spoil other people's day...i really nid the energy to finish the upcoming camp our school organize...i dunwan to blew it...i dunwan to just think about this...think about her...think about how stupid i am...

i love her...i really do...i hope that she does too...

something...

2008-01-24T20:18:00.000+08:00

cant understand how it has been...all that has happened, just pass by so fast... its already 2008...

its almost a month now...and yet i still yearn on the past...sure nid to change myself... to transform into a mighty eagle...and not to be a lazy bug...Nid to be more responsible of my every actions...

a new year, a new start...yet all is lay aback...i am still, yes, unreliable M-Leong... why do i nid to bother?... surely this is my problem...always delaying important things and put myself first...

yet as responsibilties keep on adding up...stacking itself to form a huge mountain...i really nid a drill to just dig right through it...

it is still weird tat, even as people know how i do things, request after request keep pouring in... at times, i will definitely do my job...at times u just have to get ready to be disapointed... i am M-Leong...tat is why...

in 24 hours...as other could produce usefull output...and as for me...i wud lay around, gazing at the four walls of bedroom...and not to forget, that woody wooden plank on my double decker bed..tat is just pure M-Leong...

i cant help myself...not anyone would...just nid to recover myself...the more work i am given..the more i hide away from it...

no money ah!!

2007-10-21T01:57:00.002+08:00

Really dun understand how I used up all my money?

N I am working as a part time waiter…I have weekly income…yet…I still owe people money…while my frens who doesn’t work…have more money than me…

I could really find a wall and just bang on it…

It seems that I use money like running water…tis I cant deny…but…one thing I cant explain…since if I use so much…then why I have so liitle?...u get what I mean?...its really funny…mayb I jus don’t have enough…

Funny that I owaz use ‘future money’…even Jr says that I do…I realize that and I tried to put it to a stop…yet…it still occurs…

Anywayz…although I have not been sleeping well…I had been eating well…all this sleepless nites…makes me feel very hungry…eating 3 or 4 slices of sweet pancakes as late/ early as 1am continuously for two or even three nites…if I look down to see my toes….i only see my big fat belly…

Tis afternoon when I woke up…I had the mother of all back aches…it hurts so much till I jus laid down the whole day…well basically, till I have to go to work at nite…now it still aches…but not that much…if yes…I’ll die let u c…

Today didn’t c XQ er…blerh….

Last nite Christy sent rm5 to top up my credit…how kind of her..it is her burfday today!!! I wish her the best of all this year…she told me tat she saw Resident Evil n how that dead thing suck out another guy’s eye…wen I heard that…I really cud vomit…could not understand the thrill of people paying money to get frighten…

I slowly come to realize that a lot of people in my work place actually acknowledge me as a ‘fast’ worker…a hardworking one…c there r many labels in my work place…I am sure everywhere does too…n I am one of the top ones…hehehe…so hepi… M-LEONG, TOP WORKER…or WAITER OF THE MONTH/ even year…kakakakkakaka…. So syok…

Today, I got to know that CC has done sumting both I and Bb cud not accept…if I tell u…u oso cant accept too…but all wells that ends well…dun really care bout her niway…
Its really none of my business…dun act like God lah m-leong…u jus have to lay back n watch…

I wan go sleep…ZZZzzzzzzzzz………

no money ah!!

2007-10-21T01:57:00.000+08:00

Really dun understand how I used up all my money?

N I am working as a part time waiter…I have weekly income…yet…I still owe people money…while my frens who doesn’t work…have more money than me…

I could really find a wall and just bang on it…

Funny that I owaz use ‘future money’…even Jr says that I do…I realize that and I tried to put it to a stop…yet…it still occurs…

Today didn’t c XQ er…blerh….

Pindah ruMAH

2007-10-16T23:48:00.000+08:00

Over burden my back bone yesterday by helping J to shift house…

Was dozing off wen Joann called up…asking me where were I…
Realizing I was late…I din even had the time to comb my hair, drove straight away to Pandan Perdana…

We started bout 1030am…shift those milo boxes out from the house n into the lorry…
Though ther were macho guys to help move the stuffs…we too had to dirty our hands
And lift up boxes…ther were so many things the lorry had to come twice in order to finish moving up the stuffs…out of 100%...J’s belongings oni consists of mayb 20%, that’s the most I can giv u…all the rest belongs to her parents…

Duno why tat day I eat the ‘char siew’ rice taste so delicious…I ate n ate….mayb I was hungry…throughout the day, I played PSP most of the time…yah one thing I 4got, tat Adrian ah…so big size almost squeezed me to death during our journey to Sri Putramas (that’s the new house)….imagine five ppl were at the back of a Proton Perdana… so pack, got leg crams…

As v arrived, I was amazed by the swimming pool ther…the scenery, and the High Court, located opposite her new house…as u can see, she lives on the highest floor…we could see a spectacular view of KLCC…the facilities were not bad either…got karaoke room some more…it was really a high security place, were the facilities u use, u need to have an electronic ID card…even going into the building of each apartment uses that card…

The bad part is this new place of hers is really far…and not tat convenient for public transport…unless u have ur own vehicle…

The lightings in her house are very special too, blue lights are stored to create a techno feel…cool!...the switches r oso very special…they r big rectangular sizes, and has this small blue light on wen u off the switch (guess is handy wen u wan to on the light in the dark)…

Hah….so tired…last nite didn’t sleep well either…coz dear mum ‘fat chok’ again…
By the time I cud get some shut eye was 5am in the morning…I really wish I cud jus runaway n live my life…

disastrous nite

2007-08-21T18:25:00.000+08:00

the great disapointment...

17/8 was dear prom nite...hawaiian nite 2007...

months of planning...ended up in jus a few moments...

who would have tot tat it would be like tat?

everyone except me...

too careless of me...thinking that all will be fine...

evrything was okay...but not on that day!

too much to do in so little time...with insufficient help...all bcoz i tot it would go okay...

not short enuF

2007-07-26T20:10:00.000+08:00

Really love my hair when it was blonde…

Since school started..i really had the worst of the worst bad hair days…

Help me…

The length of my hair now is less then 2 inches…god noes how I am gona look if goes shorter…just imagine me with my short hair-do…

Its weird that it was the discipline teacher who told me to get a hair cut…as my hair was already short… they wan it to be shorter…

Where in the world is their common sense????

God help me…I really wanted to hide myself at home for a fortnight till my hair grows just nice…

Nooo…

I’ve exposed my bare head to the whole school…there were horrid laughters… I just could not bare it…some said I look like TWEETY bird…they say it was cute…damn it…TWEETY bird no hair wan lah okay??....some say I look like MICKEY… well its not MICKEY MOUSE…but Mickey as in the guy in DBSK instead…is that a compliment or??

Being a prefect on probationary isn’t easy as I have to be visible to everyone during essembly…guess how malu I felt…those faces…those sinister smiles…those…aih…

At least if I am in line…I can hide myself behind Jr…

The HORROR…

Inconsiderate people come up to me n say…u r a prefect now…u have to set an example…(this hair is not THE example)…guess they duno what lies behind the story…n they come make me feel even more down…

HEY.. please check things out properly b4 u say anything…Pn Yee ask me to cut my hair shorter de lah!! K?...bastards…!

So sad…n the saddest part is…Pn Moorthy ask me to cut my hair SHORTER!!!!

WAH?!! Have I not sacrifice enuf?...isn’t my hair short enuf??!! Aih~~~
At least Pn Moorthy stood up in front of the juniors and said that I look the way she wanted me to look like…that really relieve me a little…

Fuh~~~

LIANG GE's BACK

2007-07-08T16:41:00.000+08:00

anyone remember on old brown shirt with a singlet inside speaking in a strange accent of manglish?...

this year's role as the ever famous Jay Chou...it really was a burden u noe, coz i really dun wan spoil his image...anyhow...

compare to last year...i had more than two weeks to memorize the script i had...this time...only about 1 week plus...thank god the lines were'nt tat long...

brings bak a lot of memories of last years lantern festival... with RE as my "nu er"...and all...

murmuring in class the lines...in toilet...in the hall...at home...at the canteen...

turn out not on that day...while devouring a banana acting cool n relax...
have to thx SK for the script she had written..really a blast...she was using really really complex chinese that i never heard b4..so hard to pronounce...

eventually everything gone well...like last years role as liang ge..was call liang ge by evry1 i meet...now..jay chou...hahahha

still feel that liang ge more mesra...

the great release

2007-06-14T19:36:00.000+08:00

went to cherating last week really had a great time...

it was a 3 days 2 nites camp...ther i stay in a resort near the beach...

the scence was terrific...long walks on the beach, orange-ish blue-ish skies...the wind in ur face, the sound of the waves...just one thing missing...tats u ther wit me...

besides going to the beach, we went to kuantan town to look around...
along the way, aunties were buying dried seafood...we went for an eight person ride in a small boat jus enuf to fit eight of us...we went out to the sea...the vast sea..in a small boat...

the boat rock n rock, up n down it go, till sea water start splashing in... Mmm..salty...

the 1st nite, we went to a turtle sanctuary ther to c turtles, unfortunately, the tide was high(or low) i duno...therfore the turtles wont cum up to lay eggs...

but tats not all!!...we were given the opportunity to release baby turtles to the sea..wow! wat a fantastic thing to do...u sud have been ther...watchin those cudly little turtles crawling bak to sea...makes u wan cry(awww...)

Ceh...2nd nite was d climax..me n the boys gila gila din sleep...play PS...
played resident evil in the middle of the nite..

den, still got...6am in the morning...6AM...we went to the pool to play water polo...hahah...its like football in the pool, bt instead of using ur legs u use ur hand..n instead of dry land, u go into the water...wat a nutcase..

the water temperature was warmer den on land...so it was okay after all, as long as u stay in the water...

made it bak to kl wit a neckache...result of sleepin in a cacat-ed car seat... and so tat was all..took some pics...but could not upload it coz cant find stupid cable...later lah...hah...

'sai-D'

black

2007-06-14T19:01:00.000+08:00

yes, black...black in a sense...really black...

duno how to put it in words...sud have post tis long ago...

i am glad to say that i made it to f6 safely...thx for those who really prayed me..

d very 1st thing that i nida do was to dye my "kam mou" black...which i really felt heavy hearted...nemind black oni mah, so wat...looks nice oso wat...

but wen i dye back black...the colour is so intnsely black...it loos like i was wearing a wig...

see, i purposely bought this really strong dye for my really gold hair...end up i look like wearing a wig..."cha dou"...

by now it dosent look tat black adi..instead its starting to fade a bit, at the side ther can c a bit brown d...thats a result of washing my hairs two times a day...hahahaha...

starting f6 is really cool...everythings is cool...met cool frens...

juz finish the two weeks holiday...one thing that is starting to get on my nerves is that teachers constantly giving me work to do...i am like an odd job person...wei....

teachers expect me to be a sporting person accepting evrything they ask me to do..

NO!! stop it...u want me to excel in studies n u want me to do all ur "kao si lap sap"..

i dun wan means i dun wan lar...let other ppl do...yes i am a familiar face...but no not me AGAIN...find sum other ppl la...

sumtimes ther is this tot goin round my mind, whispering to myself saying that, if this skul no M-LeonG, will perish...hahahaha, jus a tot oni, not real wan okay?~~...

tis few days busy getting ready d dance performance for next sat...really really tired..dance abit ani whole body sakit..."sat pai"

tat day sk n i were appointed to do a presentation on eco...after sch on tat very day, we berkobar-kobar did our assignment..my 1st presentation..
my 1st f6 presentation, my 1st time doing work!!!!!

wah i am so proud of myself...hahahah(duno wen wil this last...lol)

hope tat i will be as hardworkin from d start till the end...

bugging me

2007-05-02T19:20:00.000+08:00

It’s not before long the form 6 intake and till now ther still isn’t any confirmation letter sent in…

It does bothers me a lot coz I didn’t really get a gud result…so tat means I can easily be rejected to carry on my form 6…die!!

Waited so long adi…even abandon the opportunity to get into TAR… if suddenly say I cant get into F6…I really can die let u all see…

Besides my appalling result…there is another barrier to overcome…

And tat is a high rank teacher who “loves” me…(I really meant hate)

She is more likely the one who bans students like to me from bringing the school’s reputation down…(so plz pray for me)

Pity me…I once tot that I am the only one who hasn’t receive the confirmation letter…

Thank god that isn’t true…been checking out the internet…but till now oso havnt cum out…I wonder y so long a??...its like already May the 2nd…and the intake would probably take place in mid May…

haiz…duno what kind of system is this..?... “last minute system" Suddenly the letter come today...ask me to go to school tomorrow…imagine that! Not knowing whether we were accepted or not…we wouldn’t buy school uniforms, and stationaries…

Shoes, shirts, and even my skirt oso havnt buy…”they” want us to go to school with only our underwear on…(guess that’s wat “they” want…)

Really makes me wonder…and doubt how “they” do things…makes ppl with low self-assurance like me suffer in anxiety…

I remember mum owaz nag us not to be a last minute person…not juz mum… but teachers and elders all around us…okay..i admit that I am a last minute person…

But I never tot that “they” never grow up from that habit…it seems that “they” encourage things to be done last minute…

Well all I can say is that I really nida know…jus want to know am I accepted…

At least if I am not...i can hurry to TAR or sumwher else to register a diploma course or some sort…

KILL ME…

never lonely...

2007-02-28T23:23:00.001+08:00

Goin thru so much…after skul life, though its jus a few months, but I feel that as though I’ve done a lot…

It’s a great turn out…I find myself not in misery…but in company…I do not dwell on the past so often and yet…I look to the future..i am no longer the miserable M-L3oNg…I am bold to say that I am happy…

I do not yearn for the past and people that sees me in a way I am not…

I am grateful fro I m no longer empty…though I am owaz temped to fill that hollow bark with things that shud not be in tat place…but I finally come to see things in another point of view…

No matter how badly I might want one thing…if I noe it will do no gud to me in the closing stages I will do my very best to stay away from the edge and not fall into it…

There I finally see myself happier…a feeling that will last and not just for a sligth moment…but till the day I die…

treasure

2007-02-28T23:23:00.000+08:00

A part of me was left behind…as time passes it consumes that part as well…there is no turning back…there is no way I can change it now…

I try to treasure every minute I have…but it seems that I dun live my life to the fullest…I waste time…I wasted meaningful friendships…I wasted opportunities by just moving the wrong step…

I came to realize that every step is vital…either to move forth, back, left or right…

Every decision impact what happens next…after banging head first to so many barriers in my life…I finally try to stop, think and control the next step…for I really do not want to waste time and energy to go through unnecessary hardships…

I am happy that I realize this soon enuf and not too late…

Never to bang into walls head first…but always try to see through it…see it in different angles…

As you can see there are many things we need to decide…and I dun jus mean the road to our studies…but what course of life we choose to live…what I want? What I need? And what I need to DO for it…

the art of driving

2007-02-24T23:16:00.000+08:00

its been precisely 8 hours of driving lesson i assume...

and it pop up into my mind...

DRIVE MUM'S CAR OUT!!!

HEHe...tat was exactly wat hapened on a normal thursday...

it so hapens that i go to the sports complex almost everyday...(to get bak in shape that is)..

and finally i was fed up of walking to Kg pandan so why not drive ther?...

for a person who does hav a license yet...i really shud not do tat...but hey..why not?

i drove all the way from maluri to kg pandan...(which is not close to 1km)..

oh yah.. i 4got to say tat...my teacher havn't teach me how to even park the car...

but anywayz...i made it...wihout a scratch..if i did..i would not be posting now...mayb i wud hav to face court?..or kena "lock-up"...maybe oni...

the funny bit is tat i did not even exceed the speed 60km per hour...ha! snail car.. thank god no one horn at me and gave tat "ini-jalan-u-beli-kah?!!" look...but just overtake me one by one....

as it was still the festive season...ther weren't many cars aroud either...so it was readlly save...n the road really like my father bought adi...

psst...my mum dint know a single bit of it at all!..i actually secretly took the keys from her..and put it back into place wher it was supose to be...

i was so ready to get a tight slap from her when i reach home..just if she found out...eventually she didnt!!

then my itchy butt tot tat i shud tell her..wat the heck? it wasnt tat bad?...i din kill som1 or wat...i din burn down a house or wat...so i broke it all out to her..

her looks???

NUMB... '_'

she din believe me...i had to confess the second time to convince her...n the third time i got scolding... T.T

from tat day onwards...my mum had to hide away the key just in case...ha...but i made up my mind not to do tat again..

i waited so long..why noy just wait a little while longer..3 more weeks to my test...he...

pray tat d "pemeriksa" guy is not d rasuah type...so tat i can past in just one test...

enuf is enuf

2007-02-01T16:49:00.000+08:00

Enuf traveling all the way to n fro to KLCC…
Enuf being exausted just because of traveling
Enuf sleeping in the bus…
Enuf being alone staring outside the bus…
Enuf being alone during lunch hour…
Enuf talking mostly Bahasa Melayu Evryday…
Enuf waking up as early as 7am just to make sure I won’t be late to work…
Enuf waiting for the rapid KL 107 bus for an hour!!!!!
Enuf starving to death…
Enuf freezing to death…
Enuf not spending more time at home(outside)….
Enuf la……..

I am changing job for sure…in the beginning I tot tat working in Kino was the idle job…

And yet no…MAN …its so boring I can die there…n also strict…I’ve been skipping work for a few days…and that’s not gud…

There are palces where I dun nid to interview but just call up n get the jod…
Let me see the choices:

Pat Kin Pat San café
Old Town Maluri
Or Guardian Pharmacy

My first choice would definitely be Pat Kin Pat San...i only work five hours a day, RM5 per hour, six days a week…no shift…just nite shift…7pm-12pm…the hard part is going back at midnite…my bicycle is lost…and most of them who have transportation dun pass by my place…fuh…and no shift…

Second would be Old Town Maluri…I don’t really have the details…but at least its near my place…erm…there got shift geh…the pay not that high…I hear my buddy working there say she doesn’t like it there…sooo….maybe not there either…

Last but not least…Guardian Pharmacy Taman Maluri…just less than a 5 minutes walk to my house…during breaks, I can just sit back, relax, and enjoy at my cozy home...
The pay is about rm700+ a month…including EPF…there are shifts…my working time is more flexible as I can change it easily..hehehe…all that I need is there…by being near to my house…I save up transportation fare, and lunch money…so about rm700+ is worth it I guess,….not yet add OT leh…as long as I am happy that matters…

One small problem…I don’t like Guardian’s uniform!!!!

overnited...

2006-08-31T10:27:00.000+08:00

fuh~~~

now i am at my fren's house..just awake from a few hours doze....having extreme fun over here....last nite's BBQ was awesome...did a lot of stupid stuffz...

i dun usually on9 at this point of time...coz i'll be dreaming away in dreamland...

but anyhow...evry1 is still sleeping...while i am awake..i did sleep though...just that dunno who go and scream "Yo, yo, yo" outside the house(behind the house-at the lorong there)...another fren of mine woke up earlier than me, coz she slept earlier...duh~~i heard her having her devotional time in the morning..while i was sleeping....and boy should i say it was comforting...after hearing that guy's "Yo, yo, yo..."...i was wide awake...den...i dunno why i repeated his words...i mumble a "Yo"...by the time i was to get on my feet...hahahaa...weird....
my fren who was awake, den laugh at me....it obvious that she knows that i am awake bcoz of that dumb guy at the back with his motor...goin..."Yo, yo, yo..."

anyhows... its great to wake up so early in the morning...especially when evry1 is asleep...kakakakau can see their silly faces...and in fact disturb them...and they might not even know....kakakaakaka....there are five guys...lying at the living room...(with mattreses of coz..)one of them crouch like a potato-so cute!~...one was face down on the sofa-wonder how is he able to breathe?...every1 sit on that sofa before some more.....yucks!...but he is oso very cute...the remaining three just cover themself with their blankets...nothing much...but their facial expression is one i will never be able to see...unless i go n kacau them la...wahahahaah....

looking forward to breakfast.. iam like starving right now...i havn't even bath or brush my teeth....better get going....if not..when the guys wake up...we will have to fight for the toilet...hahaa...no la...it is just better that i go cleanse myself...