April 08, 2008
my fault
din go to school again as usuall...even now that i am suspended from being a prefect for a month...
Jr came this morning...accompany me through this really hard time...
thinking twice wether to go to confucian to see d basketball competition or not...
wether i would see her not...in the end i went...really dun wanna be at home...
i reach there just as they finish skul...but yet i din see her...maybe its coz she dun wana see me...even if i did see her...what would i say to her? how would we see each other?
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Its my fault to blame…it all started way back when during the week after her exam in march…
That was when I find that her thinking and mine differs…a lot...at that moment I said to myself how am I to cope with someone that thinks exactly the opposite of me?
She reminded me of how cruel can love be…of how sinister it could be…all I wanted was just a pure relationship...but just by loving someone is really not enuf…really it isn’t..
She’s independent, I know…cud she not let loose abit…and let someone like me come into her world?
At work wher we see each other most of the time…is even more dreadful after the week we had our skul holidays…we barely talk to each other, and she always think that I ‘fat pei hei’ coz I don’t say a word…believe me, its not that I dunwan to…its coz I am really tired and work is really not the place I talk most…
At times wen I told some of d daily things that happen in skul o wat problems I am facing…she would just pour cold water on me…is that how to comfort someone?...i am really not use to it, I am sorry…mayb in her eyes, what I told her is just too childish for her to listen…therefore I chose to kip quiet… “talk more, wrong more”…
As I loose confidence each time I am in front of her…I really acted out stupidly…even the conflict between me n dear mum…I cant hide it away from her…of how dear mum owaz do even stupid-er things than me…I am really ashamed of dear mum…I really dun do things well…that is just my weakness…that she cant accept…
I don’t talk well,
I can’t handle situations properly,
I am retarded…
A month before her burfday, I work 4 days a week, wen I oni work Sats n Suns…I know that I use a lot of $, n I really wanna buy sumthing nice for her, like wat she bought for me…I mange to save a sum…but I still wana be thrifty, I save up my on phone bills…as she’s a maxis user, n I am a digi user, I cudn’t sms her as I din even have the money to top up…my mum wouldn’t lend me her handphone…I know that this situation would only last a while…but I was wrong, that little while I din’t sms her brought enuf disaster for both of us…I regret…
I cant think of anything now…I’ve no longer the strength to continue typing out what has happened before…
I oni want myself to be back myself…I really dun wana push myself too hard to the extend that I can’t recognize myself…I can’t maneuver my life properly…I am afraid I am going the wrong way…to change myself for the better? Or be back the m-leong that suppose to be…
Come on lah…you can do it….HOU MOU?!
// posted by curious @ 9:01 PM 
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