May 18, 2009
change blog lah..
out with the old
in with the new
May 15, 2009
why am i not happy
I don’t know why, but it is bugging me. Why do I have to logic so much? I am the type that loves to run away from unhappy things and made sure I turn my back on it.
I may be upset and overwhelmed by something bad that happen, but I usually get over it. I really hope that you all see that. If I put a smile on my face, please respect that it is really a smile. How fake that smile may hinder my sadness, but it isn’t easy, so don’t pull me back down which question of concerns. I hate!
If one day I keep quiet, and don’t say a word, and if one day I look different than the other day, don’t come to me and say what is wrong? How are you feeling? And the most hated and ‘pantang’ phrase is “Are u ok?”…
Hey, if I am really ok, ur such question make it feels that like I am not that ok…meng meng, I am ok de..u ask like tat like I am crazy…ish~~…words of concern it may be…but for me, It makes me remember that actually there’s something wrong and I have to think about it…
Maybe this is not the best solution, but escaping all sadness is my way of life, and my key to survive.
I’d gone through many downturns this year…but I am up and going. I am putting down the pain. If I am hurting myself with actions that I should not do…please let me be…I will feel better that way. But if my actions hurt other people, tell me fast, tell me quickly…sometimes we may be blinded and can’t see well.
I led my life all this way all the while. Don’t change me, coz I am really happy with myself. Don’t forget I am a talkative and always tell others about unnecessary things. If I am feeling sad or what I do tell it out…I don’t keep it all to myself often.
If I miss, I miss. If I love, I love. If I don’t like, I will say. If I am unhappy, I’ll mention.
Thanks for friends that concern so much, and for those who know how much I lost, but without lost, we won’t appreciate the things around us more, and without lost, we won’t find that we have much more. Losing things is sometime a growing pain, but who don’t lose anything?
The passage of cure through pain is the most important thing. Dwelling on what we lost isn’t gonna get us anywhere ok?
Fake now I may be, but I am not hurting anyone and I am happy with myself.
May 14, 2009
tummy
Need to get back in shape. This few months I’ve not taken good care of my own body.
Sometimes I get so skinny, and suddenly I become fat. This process goes on for months since I finish last year’s exam.
For your information I am fat now. My eye bags, no more red lips, skin complexion like dead corpse, tummy bulged out, and more grey hair again. I start to look like an old man.
I really need to get on the tracks again to get back my rock solid figure…kekeke…
I’ve not eaten well, and I may commit to gastric problems. Sometimes I don’t eat, or sometimes I eat too much (especially at night)…soon my cheeks will turn black and look like the guys in The Black Parade by MCR.
My eating disorder has become a habit, and really need to adjust it. Besides, sleeping isn’t a big problem for this pig. I either sleep too much, or I just get 4 hours of sleep. My endurance has weakened so much I become like ah pek.
I can’t face friends that I don’t meet often, coz I may just frighten them and I can’t let them see how disgusting I’ve become. I want to rejuvenate and look as fresh as possible.
At this age especially, we all should look our best, it’s the prime of our young adult life. So I can’t take it if I have a big tummy, grey hair, and pale white face.
Been jogging frequently lately, made sure I work out at least an hour a day, twice a week.
If u know me well, u’ll know I love running, and working out lately has become my favorite past time. Usually after work I will go take a few rounds at the park behind my house…I don’t care how late it is, I still make sure I make my curfew. I even manage to go out after 8pm, this may sound dangerous, but it’s quite safe as there are many guards around, I still need to keep a look out for bad guys though…
Yep…getting back in shape now…
Sometimes I get so skinny, and suddenly I become fat. This process goes on for months since I finish last year’s exam.
For your information I am fat now. My eye bags, no more red lips, skin complexion like dead corpse, tummy bulged out, and more grey hair again. I start to look like an old man.
I really need to get on the tracks again to get back my rock solid figure…kekeke…
I’ve not eaten well, and I may commit to gastric problems. Sometimes I don’t eat, or sometimes I eat too much (especially at night)…soon my cheeks will turn black and look like the guys in The Black Parade by MCR.
My eating disorder has become a habit, and really need to adjust it. Besides, sleeping isn’t a big problem for this pig. I either sleep too much, or I just get 4 hours of sleep. My endurance has weakened so much I become like ah pek.
I can’t face friends that I don’t meet often, coz I may just frighten them and I can’t let them see how disgusting I’ve become. I want to rejuvenate and look as fresh as possible.
At this age especially, we all should look our best, it’s the prime of our young adult life. So I can’t take it if I have a big tummy, grey hair, and pale white face.
Been jogging frequently lately, made sure I work out at least an hour a day, twice a week.
If u know me well, u’ll know I love running, and working out lately has become my favorite past time. Usually after work I will go take a few rounds at the park behind my house…I don’t care how late it is, I still make sure I make my curfew. I even manage to go out after 8pm, this may sound dangerous, but it’s quite safe as there are many guards around, I still need to keep a look out for bad guys though…
Yep…getting back in shape now…
May 12, 2009
do i?
Sometimes I think whether I am supposed to love or not?
This may seem negative, but I do find out in the end that I did my best.
Sometimes there are guidelines that it is supposedly exist. How a guy should be, and how a girl should be, but maybe those are just how people see things and indirectly create a “must” for either guy or girl to become.
In a relationship, you should be like this, and she should be like that. If it all falls into place, then it is perfect. While if it doesn’t, u’ll say nothing is perfect, and u either give up that relationship, or bear with what you have, then mend things with choices you think.
Now remember we’re not making a wrong or right impression, coz everything is just how u see it or how u feel it.
For me, sometimes I can’t rational how my emotions react and in the past I did lost control of my own emotions and mind as well. Sometimes I think too much and in the end adding more pain into my own suffering. With a cuckoo mind, whatever I think may result in extra catastrophe.
And this few days I think, actually do I really love? What does it means? How does it work? And if I know, will it be another thing that is affected by how the world sees?
Doing a lot of things, do a little, or do nothing. How do u see it? Care for a lot of things, care for a little, or care for nothing. How do u see it? Understand a lot, understand a little, or understand nothing. How do u see it?
Do, care, or understand…what shows that you love someone or the other way?
I think back of myself, as what this post is mainly is about, whatever I do, does it shows how much I love? Where is the measurement in that? Have I practice it in the correct way or is it the way either the world or she sees?
As the saying goes, although the person doesn’t love you the way you wanted, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all their heart. This phrase applies to everyone, including me.
I admit I didn’t put my head in the correct way and my heart in another way. I shut tight my deep thoughts even I could not find. Blinded by my own pride and greed, I don’t know what I wanted.
After many wrong paths and challenges I confront, I found peace somewhere I don’t need to look for. I just needed to reach out and ask form God. He knew me, watch me as I grow and the best place to find myself is to be back in the place I was mold.
I don’t have to lean on the past, nor blame myself so much on all the wrong choices. As ‘tomorrow’ waits for me to claim the right to live better for myself, friends, and maybe you.
I’ll take hold of my days here as the ‘me’ I used to be, a happier me.
May 10, 2009
episodes
We live through many stages of our life, and go through many challenges as well as sweet memories. Yet each episode of our life has an ending. So does this episode.
Been watching many drama series lately, and most of the time the last chapter is always captivating. Whether the ending is a sad one or a happy one, it is still the end.
I made many decisions, and made many moves, and turn the pages to find out what’s next. Sometimes I even jump a few pages, or fast forward the cd just to find out what will happen next.
I open many chapters and closed some, yet the episode is still there. Turn left; turn right, I am still in a circle.
3 years ago, a fantasy story became a nightmare. I may think that I’ve turn to the last page, yet I still hold on to it. As days become weeks, weeks become months, and months become years, I open new chapters before I closed the last one.
Years past and now here I am. I look back and see how the story goes. One episodeafter the other another, I really can’t chase.
The beginning and the end, many things happened so fast for me to even glance.
I write my last note, and put down the book. On the last page, it is written, The End.
Whether I like the ending or not it really is the end. Sometimes we may want a better ending, but in the story it is written that way. We can just take it as an additional experience that had gone through.
We tend to change, be it by time, or by people. For better or worse, it is an episode in our life. For me, each episode is a lesson. Sometimes we may learn things the hard way, but hey, I came back.
This series has come to its end. Another episode close.
May 04, 2009
i'll never love again
I was wrong to let you walk right out of my life.
I was dumb to think that i could survive,
Was a fool to think the grass was
Greener on the other side.
Now it hurts to know that it means that i,
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again,
I was stupid to think that any love
could compare to the love that you gave to me from you,
was a fool, yes a fool to think that
I'd find anywhere, anyone is better for me than you,
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again,
And now my heart is stone cold because you've gone, gone away, gone away
Gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again
I was dumb to think that i could survive,
Was a fool to think the grass was
Greener on the other side.
Now it hurts to know that it means that i,
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again,
I was stupid to think that any love
could compare to the love that you gave to me from you,
was a fool, yes a fool to think that
I'd find anywhere, anyone is better for me than you,
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again,
And now my heart is stone cold because you've gone, gone away, gone away
Gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again
i'll never love again-Taio Cruz
May 03, 2009
lately
So tired today, my brain is smashed and can’t see things properly. I am having migraines again and I am not using my brain at all…haha…
Been missing her so much lately, but all I do is just sit here waiting for the sun to come down and the moon to come up. How come I always repeat history, making myself suffer here by myself.
I am lying back, but I can’t focus myself. I stop thinking about her, and I tell myself I will feel better. Yeah, I do feel much more relieve, and this is what I should feel. I don’t want to hurt myself more, I dun wan to be a fool more and more.
Yet I am not pushing her away. I just need to relax first…I am doing well for a week or two, then I miss her so much again…
I constantly tell myself don’t be affected by mere emotions. Im doing well and I know I can pull through.
it's not too late
I believe that the word “too late” doesn’t exist in my dictionary and I can’t define its true meaning.
It isn’t too late for anything to happen, just whether you want it to happen or not?
It was too late for me to study and sit for my STPM, but I excel in it. Could I say that the stars and hearts she folded for me in that bottle made a miracle for me? It is like a fantasy dream come true.
I thought it was too late sometimes for things to change, but we always make it through, and finish all the task that were given to us. I remember all the datelines for presentations and all, but it always is finish no matter how hard we pull through, we make it.
I also thought that it was too late for her to change, but she did change, and when she changed I told myself it is too late. Whatever she does, it is too late. I won’t turn back and I won’t let her in again.
Even friends who had brain ask her to stop loving me. I had changed, and it is too late for her to do anything to make me go back. Thus she easily rapidly, put me down. Hate me instead.
I showed the world that I and she won’t be together again, and I made everyone see that I am not worth it for her. No one beside her encourage her to love me again, especially not her own heart. It was rational.
To everyone, everything is too late. Nothing she can do to reverse it. Had anyone see me? Was anyone of them by my side? Then why judge people as they see? I told the world I am a playboy, and those people trust that I am. I am disappointed to those who admit that I am. I am sure you know who you are, reading this or not. You add black dots into your conversation.
Then, “it is too late, our time has passed”, the same phrase use against me when I reach out for her.
I return to where I was and suppose to be, but she told me that I am too late. It’s hard to believe as it happened only for a month.
If in the beginning I felt it was too late, and I turn back. Why now all of you follow what I am doing? We may be different, be we are humans with feelings, and that leads us back to the same line of people.
I will wait, wait till how late it may be u said, and continue to wait as if I never knew its meaning. I’ll show you, that it’s not too late.
May 01, 2009
it's coming back
I had loads of fun yesterday and laugh our heads off like before.
I thought I will lose this and not able to get it back, but I did. I thought everything will change but it remains the same waiting for me, with open arms they welcome my presence.
Went back to school with Jr yesterday and waited our turns to go up the stage for our very proud moments. Teachers congrats me nonstop, encouraging me to excel better. I smile my way through the whole scene. I never felt more proud of myself than yesterday ‘cause I made another history again in school.
After all that we went to Say Li’s dental shop again, did chilled out and admire her all so wonderful private “clinic”. Had exquisite Thai food for lunch and went to sing K later on. It’s funny that our room was next to Sky’s and the form 5 gang. We sang a lot of English songs that day, maybe its cause we sang too many songs last week so we chose songs that we seldom sing. What a funny situation when KY changes her tone of voice from boy to gal, and gal to boy.
For the first time, we went to go “boxing”. Hahaha, at least we went to the arcade and throw our fist at the boxing machine there. We waited till the guys move away then only we went to play that machine. Jr’s blow is of coz the best; he got the highest score of all of us.
After all that we went to Hau Kee’s to eat crab meat and steamboat at yuelik. Jr was so excited to eat the crab he promote so much how tasty those buttermilk crabs will be till our taste glands keep squirting saliva out. It was worth it though how much it cost for us. i still remember i was suppose to have a dinner with her dad and it was crab as well. eating the crab was delicious, yet every bite reminds me more about her.
While we were eating steamboat we did bring back old stories to talk about even the times before all 3 of us had gf’s. Couldn’t believe that 2 years past like that, and in these two years, I changed so much more.
There were many happy memories and I could cherish more of it now and in the upcoming days I will spent with them. No matter how many people may come and go out of our lives, we 3 stay together. one love undivided. There just nowhere else I should go. I will stand here with them, Sisz, and M6N.
I may have many people around me, and not able to divide my own self, but these people mold my life and are my life boat in life. Every journey of my life, I wont back them down. I don’t want to be someone that moves on so fast with life till I disappear from the face of the earth.
as every part of our life we meet different people, i'm glad that we able to meet up at this pathway of our journey.
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