March 31, 2009
no!
saying no to emo...
no more emo, just me o...
standing up on my own two feet again and not crawling on thorns and stones.
not singing a sad song to turn it around, just need to slow my pace down, not rushing into anything like a blind mouse.
come on and open your eyes to see, you're capable to turn it all around like u once did. why pretend to be somebody else?
when you're in Rome, do what the Romans do. i conclude in my way, when i meet someone, i blend in too much with them till i lose my own special essence. in chinese they say, meet ghost talk ghost's language, meet people talk people's language.
i forgot totally how to get back there, and i don't know where to start. at least now i know i fall too hard agaiN........and i know what's the main problem in me.
me not being me, but what is it i truly lost? where to find the thing that i don't even know what is it. im confusing myslef to much. STOP!
im on the way there, i know that i am. just pardon my manner at this moment and the past i've been in the most bizzare way. just unable to control it.
i was proving to the world something i don't even know where it would take me. proving the correct thing in a wrong way. just bull shiting in the end.
what is it u want to impress? why concern so MUCH on how people see you? u really cant pleased all...not each and everyone you meet. no Michelle Leong u can't.
what is it u want the most? where does it lead you? do u fill in the blanks? or u just sit in the corner waiting for someone? to care, to bother, to pity u? that's not you!
where is your true smile? that smile that killed so many (exagerating)... that smile that... that lah... where is your heart? ur passion? ur aim? ur dream? could u see it now? u need not that pity...
u r not that strong, and not that weak... u are... who u are...and you'll be...
don't go lingering away, following that wrong step, that wrong you...that wrong way...
i will be, the me, that janice wants to see...
no more emo, just me o...
standing up on my own two feet again and not crawling on thorns and stones.
not singing a sad song to turn it around, just need to slow my pace down, not rushing into anything like a blind mouse.
come on and open your eyes to see, you're capable to turn it all around like u once did. why pretend to be somebody else?
when you're in Rome, do what the Romans do. i conclude in my way, when i meet someone, i blend in too much with them till i lose my own special essence. in chinese they say, meet ghost talk ghost's language, meet people talk people's language.
i forgot totally how to get back there, and i don't know where to start. at least now i know i fall too hard agaiN........and i know what's the main problem in me.
me not being me, but what is it i truly lost? where to find the thing that i don't even know what is it. im confusing myslef to much. STOP!
im on the way there, i know that i am. just pardon my manner at this moment and the past i've been in the most bizzare way. just unable to control it.
i was proving to the world something i don't even know where it would take me. proving the correct thing in a wrong way. just bull shiting in the end.
what is it u want to impress? why concern so MUCH on how people see you? u really cant pleased all...not each and everyone you meet. no Michelle Leong u can't.
what is it u want the most? where does it lead you? do u fill in the blanks? or u just sit in the corner waiting for someone? to care, to bother, to pity u? that's not you!
where is your true smile? that smile that killed so many (exagerating)... that smile that... that lah... where is your heart? ur passion? ur aim? ur dream? could u see it now? u need not that pity...
u r not that strong, and not that weak... u are... who u are...and you'll be...
don't go lingering away, following that wrong step, that wrong you...that wrong way...
i will be, the me, that janice wants to see...
March 21, 2009
mouse part III
Almost 3 months…
Mouse tried to give up loving the girl, but that feeling could not go away like that. As mouse felt it could not make the girl love it like a normal boy, mouse never forces the girl to love it.
Everyday mouse would accompany the girl, and even just a little time together, mouse was satisfied enough. Be it 5 minutes or 30 minutes. But as each day passes, it is like counting the days left for the girl to be here.
Before she leaves, mouse really want to know whether the girl feel the same way towards mouse.
Sometimes the mouse put too much hope on the girl to agree, and it grew disappointed. Yet the mouse stayed strong, having a ready heart for anything that comes by.
Sometimes staying strong just gave a wrong impression to the girl. To create a better road to walk on, yet it made it harder for mouse to move on. Why act so strong?
The mouse is locked inside, unable to perform its best, to show how the girl could be loved. It is lock until the girl opens the key.
But as time passes by, mouse grew much weaker. It has not much strength left to go on. Mouse could see that the girl start to move away, and turn cold towards the mouse. Everything turns to winter’s weather as now another wall exists, blocking summer’s sunlight from passing through.
Could mouse go on? It could only if the girl demolish that wall that start to exist. Letting sunlight shine on mouse’s face once again.
Mouse tried to give up loving the girl, but that feeling could not go away like that. As mouse felt it could not make the girl love it like a normal boy, mouse never forces the girl to love it.
Everyday mouse would accompany the girl, and even just a little time together, mouse was satisfied enough. Be it 5 minutes or 30 minutes. But as each day passes, it is like counting the days left for the girl to be here.
Before she leaves, mouse really want to know whether the girl feel the same way towards mouse.
Sometimes the mouse put too much hope on the girl to agree, and it grew disappointed. Yet the mouse stayed strong, having a ready heart for anything that comes by.
Sometimes staying strong just gave a wrong impression to the girl. To create a better road to walk on, yet it made it harder for mouse to move on. Why act so strong?
The mouse is locked inside, unable to perform its best, to show how the girl could be loved. It is lock until the girl opens the key.
But as time passes by, mouse grew much weaker. It has not much strength left to go on. Mouse could see that the girl start to move away, and turn cold towards the mouse. Everything turns to winter’s weather as now another wall exists, blocking summer’s sunlight from passing through.
Could mouse go on? It could only if the girl demolish that wall that start to exist. Letting sunlight shine on mouse’s face once again.
only love myself
I just want to love myself, for I only love myself more than anything.
I can’t see myself as important in your eyes, and I cant see myself either as I stand in front of the mirror.
Where have I gone? And what has happened to me? Or is it me all the while, just that now I start to see myself much more clearly as everything is seen through.
That I only love myself, and myself only.
Kindness doesn’t equals to care, nor does care equals to love.
Even if I care and be kind, would it mean that I love as well?
I really can’t see this heart, as it only beats for itself.
Too easy for it to fall for a person, too easy to care, too easy for it to break, and too easy for it shatter.
Too easy to start, and much more easier to STOP.
Why act tough? Why pretend each time as if nothing has happened? Why do I still smile? Why do I continue the things I do? Continue live this way… for what am I doing all this?
I ask this questions…but where does the answer lies?
For what reason I have to care? To be kind, to concern, to all…and suck up all sorrow and pain from the outside to the inside. I just want to go away, and as I thought I am away, all comes back to me. Just when I start to feel happy, all of it comes back to me. Hitting me so hard, I find it so hard to even breathe.
Just too short the period, but after all that has happen, the sting in my heart is so unbearable.
I see that gap, and maybe letting go will turn things back to normal. I don’t want to see you far away. Just let things unwind as I move back. Please don’t pull me back in when I start to walk away. Don’t pull me back in, cause my heart can’t resist it.
As strong as u r, I know, don’t change too fast, as how I am altering.
Why so much things have to happen this period of time? Why suddenly in high spirits, and suddenly in such appalling mood. In the end misery covers up all joy.
Is it that hard to be ME again? Be that once again ever so free thinking me. Just after form 5, I could not see myself again. I can’t go back, I can’t move forth. As that incident hit me so hard, I’ll never that innocent and naïve again.
Again not being able to cry out loud, and let tears roll down hurts even more than to cry. If I could just cry. I want to…cause I really can’t breathe anymore.
I can’t see myself as important in your eyes, and I cant see myself either as I stand in front of the mirror.
Where have I gone? And what has happened to me? Or is it me all the while, just that now I start to see myself much more clearly as everything is seen through.
That I only love myself, and myself only.
Kindness doesn’t equals to care, nor does care equals to love.
Even if I care and be kind, would it mean that I love as well?
I really can’t see this heart, as it only beats for itself.
Too easy for it to fall for a person, too easy to care, too easy for it to break, and too easy for it shatter.
Too easy to start, and much more easier to STOP.
Why act tough? Why pretend each time as if nothing has happened? Why do I still smile? Why do I continue the things I do? Continue live this way… for what am I doing all this?
I ask this questions…but where does the answer lies?
For what reason I have to care? To be kind, to concern, to all…and suck up all sorrow and pain from the outside to the inside. I just want to go away, and as I thought I am away, all comes back to me. Just when I start to feel happy, all of it comes back to me. Hitting me so hard, I find it so hard to even breathe.
Just too short the period, but after all that has happen, the sting in my heart is so unbearable.
I see that gap, and maybe letting go will turn things back to normal. I don’t want to see you far away. Just let things unwind as I move back. Please don’t pull me back in when I start to walk away. Don’t pull me back in, cause my heart can’t resist it.
As strong as u r, I know, don’t change too fast, as how I am altering.
Why so much things have to happen this period of time? Why suddenly in high spirits, and suddenly in such appalling mood. In the end misery covers up all joy.
Is it that hard to be ME again? Be that once again ever so free thinking me. Just after form 5, I could not see myself again. I can’t go back, I can’t move forth. As that incident hit me so hard, I’ll never that innocent and naïve again.
Again not being able to cry out loud, and let tears roll down hurts even more than to cry. If I could just cry. I want to…cause I really can’t breathe anymore.
March 19, 2009
untitled
I thought of many titles to suit this post but yet I couldn’t.
I never thought this could take so long for me to sit down and type. To gather my guts and evoke her into my state of mind.
I just cant imagine how it happened. Each time I think about it, n each time I want to type this post I stop a moment to mend this bleeding heart.
How was it she felted at that moment? Where is she now? Was she happy? How is it to be dead?
I lost a friend, a childhood friend, a sister, a twin. 15 years we were friends, and to think that it would add up to 50…I was wrong.
So much we went through…so much we did together. But so much more we DID NOT. I regret only not being able to perform the best of our friendship. As all of us thought of there is always still TOMMORROW. i regret the past four years of her life I wasn’t always there, and oh how I envy other people, of how their friendship is so strong.
Each time both of us meet, is like two planets meeting up. How far their distant, and difficult to meet. But too common our thoughts, needless to say a word more, but to understand what has gone wrong or right.
I always yearn to have that best friend, as she is the one that can make it happen. But now I lost someone who knows me better than me…where, who to find another her? That entire secret, all that experience just buried with her…only leaving me to remember.
Of how our life were too common, our mom, dad…single parent child, with no brothers or sisters only friends we gain as sisters.
And as sisters, we fought, we make up, and we cheer each other up. I still remember how rebellious I was in primary school, and how we hated each other. Yet we were always in the same society or club till secondary school. How close we were like sticky melted sweets.
Each year’s scout camping trip we would sign up together and watch each other’s back in the woods.
We would talk on the phone for hours since the age of 10. Making the phone bill reach RM300.
We went to Malacca together around standard 5.
We went to your house to swim each week and almost drown ourselves once.
We went out late in the middle of the night together.
We went to the same tuition together
We took the same school bus.
Wanted to move out and live together.
Wanted to buy Vios together.
And each time u had a problem, u would call me first.
We even cut our wrist together.
Each time we would think of the solution together.
You would advise me in my relationship.
You hated peanut in nasi lemak, and I’ll eat 4 u,
I hated the sambal, and pass it to you,
Eat bak kut teh together,
Go Safari Lagoon together,
you wanted to a optician, while i wanted to be a lawyer.
you'll love red, and i'll like blue.
Did so many many many many many many things together.
Yet, I neglected you after form 4. You left to Subang, and we were no longer there physically for each other. Yes we may think that you’ll be alrite, yes we’ll think you would come back soon, and yes I did not an effort to find u.
Each time you come back to KL, we would update each other bout everything. For so long, you’ve suffered too much. But how happily I live here in KL. However depress you will always be in Subang, I would not truly know. At those time, a friend start to feel worthless. Even the heart misses each other, there were no actions taken.
We could do better. Friend, we could have been better. I can’t find you anymore, can’t have that conversation anymore, coz no one go through it except us. US.
I really don’t want to be sad u see. For me I tell myself u r happy, we did not promise each other anything, and that is why I can let u go easily. But to lose u, means our sister circle shrink smaller.
From 7 ppl….to only 2 ppl.
1st Sze po to New Zealand
2nd Valerie to another school
3rd Loke to another state
4TH Chan to another school
5th YOU to another world
Leaving duo me and Cho together while Chan, Loke, and Valerie as individuals else where.
And to think that all would seem well as we entered secondary school as u, me and cho. U had to go away. If I were to say u are the closest friend to me, I feel guilty cause actually I wasn’t.
I could do better. You would need to suffer so much at Subang if I dare to fight your mum, if I dare to bring you back, if I was just brave enough to push them all away. I only regret not being better.
Thank you so much for being my sis.
I don’t want to remember what we went through during our childhood, coz every time I do; it reminds me that u r not here.
I don’t want to think that u r gone, coz there’s so much that have not been done. I don’t want to feel sad, coz in life u felt misery, till u had Him.
I want to cry so much, but tears ain’t rolling down.
you are happy now, i don't have to worry. you're the 1st to get married but too bad we could attend your wedding dinner, and the bride's maid as we said we would be.
but all is destined, and i am truly happy for u, u finally led a happy life... that smile on your face in that box shows it.
rest in peace sis.
I never thought this could take so long for me to sit down and type. To gather my guts and evoke her into my state of mind.
I just cant imagine how it happened. Each time I think about it, n each time I want to type this post I stop a moment to mend this bleeding heart.
How was it she felted at that moment? Where is she now? Was she happy? How is it to be dead?
I lost a friend, a childhood friend, a sister, a twin. 15 years we were friends, and to think that it would add up to 50…I was wrong.
So much we went through…so much we did together. But so much more we DID NOT. I regret only not being able to perform the best of our friendship. As all of us thought of there is always still TOMMORROW. i regret the past four years of her life I wasn’t always there, and oh how I envy other people, of how their friendship is so strong.
Each time both of us meet, is like two planets meeting up. How far their distant, and difficult to meet. But too common our thoughts, needless to say a word more, but to understand what has gone wrong or right.
I always yearn to have that best friend, as she is the one that can make it happen. But now I lost someone who knows me better than me…where, who to find another her? That entire secret, all that experience just buried with her…only leaving me to remember.
Of how our life were too common, our mom, dad…single parent child, with no brothers or sisters only friends we gain as sisters.
And as sisters, we fought, we make up, and we cheer each other up. I still remember how rebellious I was in primary school, and how we hated each other. Yet we were always in the same society or club till secondary school. How close we were like sticky melted sweets.
Each year’s scout camping trip we would sign up together and watch each other’s back in the woods.
We would talk on the phone for hours since the age of 10. Making the phone bill reach RM300.
We went to Malacca together around standard 5.
We went to your house to swim each week and almost drown ourselves once.
We went out late in the middle of the night together.
We went to the same tuition together
We took the same school bus.
Wanted to move out and live together.
Wanted to buy Vios together.
And each time u had a problem, u would call me first.
We even cut our wrist together.
Each time we would think of the solution together.
You would advise me in my relationship.
You hated peanut in nasi lemak, and I’ll eat 4 u,
I hated the sambal, and pass it to you,
Eat bak kut teh together,
Go Safari Lagoon together,
you wanted to a optician, while i wanted to be a lawyer.
you'll love red, and i'll like blue.
Did so many many many many many many things together.
Yet, I neglected you after form 4. You left to Subang, and we were no longer there physically for each other. Yes we may think that you’ll be alrite, yes we’ll think you would come back soon, and yes I did not an effort to find u.
Each time you come back to KL, we would update each other bout everything. For so long, you’ve suffered too much. But how happily I live here in KL. However depress you will always be in Subang, I would not truly know. At those time, a friend start to feel worthless. Even the heart misses each other, there were no actions taken.
We could do better. Friend, we could have been better. I can’t find you anymore, can’t have that conversation anymore, coz no one go through it except us. US.
I really don’t want to be sad u see. For me I tell myself u r happy, we did not promise each other anything, and that is why I can let u go easily. But to lose u, means our sister circle shrink smaller.
From 7 ppl….to only 2 ppl.
1st Sze po to New Zealand
2nd Valerie to another school
3rd Loke to another state
4TH Chan to another school
5th YOU to another world
Leaving duo me and Cho together while Chan, Loke, and Valerie as individuals else where.
And to think that all would seem well as we entered secondary school as u, me and cho. U had to go away. If I were to say u are the closest friend to me, I feel guilty cause actually I wasn’t.
I could do better. You would need to suffer so much at Subang if I dare to fight your mum, if I dare to bring you back, if I was just brave enough to push them all away. I only regret not being better.
Thank you so much for being my sis.
I don’t want to remember what we went through during our childhood, coz every time I do; it reminds me that u r not here.
I don’t want to think that u r gone, coz there’s so much that have not been done. I don’t want to feel sad, coz in life u felt misery, till u had Him.
I want to cry so much, but tears ain’t rolling down.
you are happy now, i don't have to worry. you're the 1st to get married but too bad we could attend your wedding dinner, and the bride's maid as we said we would be.
but all is destined, and i am truly happy for u, u finally led a happy life... that smile on your face in that box shows it.
rest in peace sis.
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