April 04, 2009
HATE
I hate myself so much,
So much to the extend I hate looking at the mirror, I want to change my name, change my address, my look, change the things that can stop me from seeing myself.
Maybe I am just over saying this… but truly I hate myself right now, and the silly decisions I made.
I made such a fool of myself, even if the people around me could forgive me, I still feel that guilt so much inside of me.
How could I be so silly? What was I thinking? Why do I have to wake up from this and become even more guilty…if I could just sleep, and not know anything…but I can’t.
I was trap. To think that she could be that angel for me, I was so WRONG!... I put aside my dignity, put aside how people see me, put aside her past, but the whole situation over turn on me.
I am still numb and blur about it, how can such a person, I let her into my life. I know from the beginning that we walk different paths, but I still could put it aside. At that moment I was so blinded by the way she could treat me.
She was so good to me, and better than anyone could imagine. But all that was a lie, it had a price to pay for. It was wrapped up so nicely and under that disguise lays that trap for me.
I admit I was wrong that I did not push her away from the start, just because I was too greedy. But no one could imagine how much she changed in a few days. Just a few days were enough for me to see the truth. Why does everything have to happen so fast every time?
I’ve never met someone like B before, my friends did warn me to be careful, that whenever someone is good to you, they expect much more from you. They warn me not to go into the fire. But all I could see is a sincere heart that wants to be love as much as I do.
She hide a lot of things from me, and when we were together, all hell breaks loose. She is too good, and too bad. I find that I am really not suitable for her, as I can’t give her my all. She needs someone that can do that for her. That’s not me.
Could she not see that everything needs time, even how fast I rush, I still need to stop, still need to rest. I could not love her that fast. I hope you know what I mean.
I wasn’t giving up yet, I want to hold on as this is the weakest point of her life now. Yet again she breaks my trust and misused my care upon her. She had to make it so hard for the both of us, she had to say it.
I totally give up. I raise my white flag and surrender.
After that battle I will not show any mercy on her anymore. This I swear.
She makes me hate myself even more when I already hate myself. Why I could not see, or be stronger? Why was I so foolish? So so so so so foolish. I am awake now. And I really need to restore my brain and faith towards my own self. I really need to lock myself up to stop myself from being a monster.
Till I have faith in my own self again.
So much to the extend I hate looking at the mirror, I want to change my name, change my address, my look, change the things that can stop me from seeing myself.
Maybe I am just over saying this… but truly I hate myself right now, and the silly decisions I made.
I made such a fool of myself, even if the people around me could forgive me, I still feel that guilt so much inside of me.
How could I be so silly? What was I thinking? Why do I have to wake up from this and become even more guilty…if I could just sleep, and not know anything…but I can’t.
I was trap. To think that she could be that angel for me, I was so WRONG!... I put aside my dignity, put aside how people see me, put aside her past, but the whole situation over turn on me.
I am still numb and blur about it, how can such a person, I let her into my life. I know from the beginning that we walk different paths, but I still could put it aside. At that moment I was so blinded by the way she could treat me.
She was so good to me, and better than anyone could imagine. But all that was a lie, it had a price to pay for. It was wrapped up so nicely and under that disguise lays that trap for me.
I admit I was wrong that I did not push her away from the start, just because I was too greedy. But no one could imagine how much she changed in a few days. Just a few days were enough for me to see the truth. Why does everything have to happen so fast every time?
I’ve never met someone like B before, my friends did warn me to be careful, that whenever someone is good to you, they expect much more from you. They warn me not to go into the fire. But all I could see is a sincere heart that wants to be love as much as I do.
She hide a lot of things from me, and when we were together, all hell breaks loose. She is too good, and too bad. I find that I am really not suitable for her, as I can’t give her my all. She needs someone that can do that for her. That’s not me.
Could she not see that everything needs time, even how fast I rush, I still need to stop, still need to rest. I could not love her that fast. I hope you know what I mean.
I wasn’t giving up yet, I want to hold on as this is the weakest point of her life now. Yet again she breaks my trust and misused my care upon her. She had to make it so hard for the both of us, she had to say it.
I totally give up. I raise my white flag and surrender.
After that battle I will not show any mercy on her anymore. This I swear.
She makes me hate myself even more when I already hate myself. Why I could not see, or be stronger? Why was I so foolish? So so so so so foolish. I am awake now. And I really need to restore my brain and faith towards my own self. I really need to lock myself up to stop myself from being a monster.
Till I have faith in my own self again.
// posted by curious @ 4:46 PM 
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