April 25, 2009
that why she goes?
I am speechless…how can she bring back a story 3 years ago and hit the story back at me.
Does she know what happened? Does she feel that I wasn’t the same person I was then? Of all the words that could be said, she chose to say something like that.
“That’s why she left you”. She dare say that phrase out loud. She dare assume the story goes the same like hers. She over step the border.
See that she didn’t know me at all. See that I was correct after all. I know she hates me for what I have did, but does she need to react in this way? How to let her know that my days with S were 100 times sweeter than her.? Her jealous heart would not accept a single thing I say.
How will she know that I wasn’t a high demand person that I am now?
How will she know that I listen to every word S says?
How will she know that S was everything to me?
How will she know that it took almost two years to put S down?
How will she know that I blame myself so much even it wasn’t my fault to be blame?
I won’t blame M, coz she really doesn’t know. I never make an effort to tell her when we’re together. I told myself I won’t love someone as much again. And that was my selfish decision. after S, it mold me, changed me to become so cold even if I was hot on the outside but on the inside my heart is stone cold.
I spent and did a lot of things together with M, but a short period with S was enough to cover anyone’s memories. Just memories exist in me, and to this moment I know I won’t be with S again even if she comes back to me. Just because of how much she hurt me, like how I hurt M. i wont step closer to S again. yet I hurt M even deeper. And I’m alright now if she doesn’t accept me back. coz i've put S in the dungeon as well.
The same feeling I felt 3 years ago, now being felt by the one I love so much now. I am just out of order became so filthy and not to be sympathized on. For I still could not forgive S.
3 years ago me, didn’t have a car, didn’t have money to spent on, didn’t have a handphone for a year (coz spoilt by her) didn’t have a flexible mom, had responsibilities to handle, had a mom that keeps scolding your innocent friends, had a mom that gives pressure on me and S.
I could not go out at night, I could not go back late after school, I could not bring her to dinner, I couldn’t be by her side always (even if I were, she was still vulnerable to night life creatures).
I thought she was the one that wouldn’t see material things as a fact of a relationship. Sadly she did, and she left me there to be alone. She was as cruel as I am to you. Within two months she went on happily with another and they move on. Without me she continued their relation for almost a year.
Just because she is the same with the others, she wants the things that I could not give her at that moment, but I did not ask much from you. I know you could not, and I didn’t push you far. I just ask for a simple understanding and care when I am not happy. Maybe you see that I was so strong and I hate to be disturbed when I am down. Your simple smile could cheer my day, but you choose to kill it.
I am sorry that I became so short tempered. Its coz I thought u would know what I want by now. I thought u would understand me without saying much.
I remember the 1st month we were together, I told you before one of the reason I love you is because u have a pure heart, and you will love someone with all your heart and not by material things alone.
That was what captivates me to you.
don't say that was why she left me, coz u don't know. you dont. you forgot how i fight my way to where i stand. how i work hard to be "mature". i work on to be financially stabil and work on my relationship with mom. you dont know how much i fight for to stand here now. i would be me now if it wasn't for S.
// posted by curious @ 5:17 PM 
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