April 21, 2008
walk on
No longer do I yearn for the past now…
Guess that I couldn’t bear to see myself repeat that same mistake…
Too tired to do so many stupid things…just to prove that I can do better than last time… maybe I din grow up…but I know what I am doing now…that’s all that matters…
Trying so hard to push myself to that limit…to the extend that I am the best…but I really gotta know that I am not…no one is perfect…know where I stand, and where I came from…
I’ve let go of her…and I’ve found a someone…that I din’t notice of her existence since…
Since…I don’t recall…all I know is that she was there…but we din’t see ach other in this way we see each other now…
I tot of her as just a kid…as the bunch of gals she mix around with, I owaz underestimate them…yet heaven gave us a chance to talk to each other…pouring out our inner secrets…
Since then, we treat both as someone we can rely on…
Having fun is what we do most of the time…and in hard times, she listens to me, and most important of all she understands what I say…it comforts me in a way…
Guess that I’ve move on so quickly…I am happy that I am…
I really have no strength to chase for someone that doesn’t appreciate me at all…what I do n like doesn’t influence her at all, yet I am the one being change to be more like her…
Here I hold firm what I see in front of me now…
_____________________________________________________________________
got my new handphone today!! Really excited coz I don’t have to pay a single cent for it…
it’s a nokia 5310, blue…
now that I’ve a new hair cut, new hand phone, and a new someone…I just realize that quitting my job is a clever move…its clear that after I quit, everything turn out so smoothly for me…
even if I work, I find myself much more in debt than last time…I spend more, and still have to give a third of my salary to mum…
ha!! So free..so happy…but still in dept…waahahahah…..
Guess that I couldn’t bear to see myself repeat that same mistake…
Too tired to do so many stupid things…just to prove that I can do better than last time… maybe I din grow up…but I know what I am doing now…that’s all that matters…
Trying so hard to push myself to that limit…to the extend that I am the best…but I really gotta know that I am not…no one is perfect…know where I stand, and where I came from…
I’ve let go of her…and I’ve found a someone…that I din’t notice of her existence since…
Since…I don’t recall…all I know is that she was there…but we din’t see ach other in this way we see each other now…
I tot of her as just a kid…as the bunch of gals she mix around with, I owaz underestimate them…yet heaven gave us a chance to talk to each other…pouring out our inner secrets…
Since then, we treat both as someone we can rely on…
Having fun is what we do most of the time…and in hard times, she listens to me, and most important of all she understands what I say…it comforts me in a way…
Guess that I’ve move on so quickly…I am happy that I am…
I really have no strength to chase for someone that doesn’t appreciate me at all…what I do n like doesn’t influence her at all, yet I am the one being change to be more like her…
Here I hold firm what I see in front of me now…
_____________________________________________________________________
got my new handphone today!! Really excited coz I don’t have to pay a single cent for it…
it’s a nokia 5310, blue…
now that I’ve a new hair cut, new hand phone, and a new someone…I just realize that quitting my job is a clever move…its clear that after I quit, everything turn out so smoothly for me…
even if I work, I find myself much more in debt than last time…I spend more, and still have to give a third of my salary to mum…
ha!! So free..so happy…but still in dept…waahahahah…..
April 16, 2008
awaken
...aiyo, my hair short adi...
went to KY's house yesterday for a hair cut...still not use to this new hair cut...coz short...short~~~ but really its not bad lah...for some1 who doesn't go to hair trimming academy, its really not bad...my mum tot tat i went to a saloon or wat, but wen she know it was KY who cut it, she really din belive me...
hiaz, i today din go to skul again...last nite pn moorthy sms me say that today got cheer meeting, i oso ended up skipping skul...
i duno why, but i am really letting go...it seems so easy...i myself feel doubtful...
guess its coz we dont bother each others life...i go my way, and she goes hers...
i did wat i could, but it wasn't enuf, instead of sulking over it...i am standing up...
'sun kei ji yin' tis four words, KY owaz tell me...but i owaz say that it won't work, coz of how i act...how stupid i become in front of her...but now...i think that is the best way i can go on with...'sun kei ji yin'...as i am far away from her, she really doesn't disrupts me...
ha...can breathe once more...the upcoming camp, and my studies is wat i am looking forward to rite now...not to forget, the lower sixes...
went to KY's house yesterday for a hair cut...still not use to this new hair cut...coz short...short~~~ but really its not bad lah...for some1 who doesn't go to hair trimming academy, its really not bad...my mum tot tat i went to a saloon or wat, but wen she know it was KY who cut it, she really din belive me...
hiaz, i today din go to skul again...last nite pn moorthy sms me say that today got cheer meeting, i oso ended up skipping skul...
i duno why, but i am really letting go...it seems so easy...i myself feel doubtful...
guess its coz we dont bother each others life...i go my way, and she goes hers...
i did wat i could, but it wasn't enuf, instead of sulking over it...i am standing up...
'sun kei ji yin' tis four words, KY owaz tell me...but i owaz say that it won't work, coz of how i act...how stupid i become in front of her...but now...i think that is the best way i can go on with...'sun kei ji yin'...as i am far away from her, she really doesn't disrupts me...
ha...can breathe once more...the upcoming camp, and my studies is wat i am looking forward to rite now...not to forget, the lower sixes...
April 14, 2008
not a step further
Stop here, not a move further…
Guess this is where I stand, as if I step in further, it would just make me realize the thruth..
That hurts even deeper by each step I made, by each step she moved…
The last day of work, was the last day I saw her…that was four days before, and since I dunno when, we’ve not talk like normal before…
I feel even stupid that each time I message her, she’ll never reply…even dense when I dunno what to do…
Could I say we have nothing for each other, not a sweet memory for the both of us to keep…so if I let go, there isn’t anything holding me back…should I open my eyes and see it earlier…
I am once again deceive…not by beauty, but her inner being…I am deceive…
I bring myself this…mess…I should be strong enough to handle it…that my eyes were blinded once again…I am fooled…
Where could I find? Someone…that someone…I stopped…I rested…when I thought I am ready to love, I’ve hurt…and being hurt back again…that equal hurt, rolls over to this even deeper pain…
I feel empty once again…I am useless…
Guess this is where I stand, as if I step in further, it would just make me realize the thruth..
That hurts even deeper by each step I made, by each step she moved…
The last day of work, was the last day I saw her…that was four days before, and since I dunno when, we’ve not talk like normal before…
I feel even stupid that each time I message her, she’ll never reply…even dense when I dunno what to do…
Could I say we have nothing for each other, not a sweet memory for the both of us to keep…so if I let go, there isn’t anything holding me back…should I open my eyes and see it earlier…
I am once again deceive…not by beauty, but her inner being…I am deceive…
I bring myself this…mess…I should be strong enough to handle it…that my eyes were blinded once again…I am fooled…
Where could I find? Someone…that someone…I stopped…I rested…when I thought I am ready to love, I’ve hurt…and being hurt back again…that equal hurt, rolls over to this even deeper pain…
I feel empty once again…I am useless…
April 13, 2008
...
Its still bugs me though…
Had a successful BBQ dinner on Friday nite…never been so relax, as most of the things sapphire house gals did…and not to forget TY’s mum n dad, and maids…
Rite after the dinner, 4 cheer gals overnited at my house…so ‘shuang’ o… 4 leng lui sleep at my bedroom…wahaha…it was a bit pack as Jr, KY, n XJ oso overnited as well…imagine 8 ppl in one room…that nite broke record…as the most amount of ppl sleeping in my room before were oni 6…
A bit sad that some cudn’t come…a bit sad that I am still this way...a bit sad that I still have “some” things to do…the term a bit really means a bit…
____________________________________________________________
Have I finally figured it out?
That I sud let it be…not doing anything…coz there’s nothing I can do…is this the way to the solution?....i don’t wan…I feel myself letting go a little by little…as I know how happy she is without me…I will jus erase myself out of her life…and in a month o two, there’ll be no more m’leong in her dictionary at all…
Why am I holding on? Holding on to someone that already have someone taking care of her…wudn’t it be better if I just let go, as our minds and thoughts differs…we wudn’t be happy even as such little mix-up is killing me now…how to live on later?
To change myself…to suit her…suit her thinking…make myself think more mature…the more I think about it…the more immature I get…I become…if what I am now isn’t what she likes…then why sud I change?...i want someone that sees me…and is proud of who I am…
Of all the people I meet, I find her the one that isn’t even interested in the things I do…I never draw myself to close to people who are like that…but why her?...of all the one I fall for…they could at least see a spark in me…but why not her? Hasn’t she love me before?...who she really love, me or another someone that looks like me?...huh?...
Or maybe its coz she sees the real me that she can’t accept, and what she’s doing make me can accept it as well…that’s it…that is it…I am still the one to blame…
I am really a useless fool…I sud look into the mirror and see that fool looking back…
Had a successful BBQ dinner on Friday nite…never been so relax, as most of the things sapphire house gals did…and not to forget TY’s mum n dad, and maids…
Rite after the dinner, 4 cheer gals overnited at my house…so ‘shuang’ o… 4 leng lui sleep at my bedroom…wahaha…it was a bit pack as Jr, KY, n XJ oso overnited as well…imagine 8 ppl in one room…that nite broke record…as the most amount of ppl sleeping in my room before were oni 6…
A bit sad that some cudn’t come…a bit sad that I am still this way...a bit sad that I still have “some” things to do…the term a bit really means a bit…
____________________________________________________________
Have I finally figured it out?
That I sud let it be…not doing anything…coz there’s nothing I can do…is this the way to the solution?....i don’t wan…I feel myself letting go a little by little…as I know how happy she is without me…I will jus erase myself out of her life…and in a month o two, there’ll be no more m’leong in her dictionary at all…
Why am I holding on? Holding on to someone that already have someone taking care of her…wudn’t it be better if I just let go, as our minds and thoughts differs…we wudn’t be happy even as such little mix-up is killing me now…how to live on later?
To change myself…to suit her…suit her thinking…make myself think more mature…the more I think about it…the more immature I get…I become…if what I am now isn’t what she likes…then why sud I change?...i want someone that sees me…and is proud of who I am…
Of all the people I meet, I find her the one that isn’t even interested in the things I do…I never draw myself to close to people who are like that…but why her?...of all the one I fall for…they could at least see a spark in me…but why not her? Hasn’t she love me before?...who she really love, me or another someone that looks like me?...huh?...
Or maybe its coz she sees the real me that she can’t accept, and what she’s doing make me can accept it as well…that’s it…that is it…I am still the one to blame…
I am really a useless fool…I sud look into the mirror and see that fool looking back…
April 09, 2008
crawl myself out of bed by almost noon...
it feels so much beta at home den sitting in class listening to Pn Ramlah...rather die den sitting in her class for a period...
wen to ts to meet up XJ n KY...later to gold river...ther i saw a shop selling wantan mee...saw d chinese writin below d 'wan' word...it look so familiar...never notice its writin in my life b4...it was her last name...
some say i sud give up, as that may be d purpose of what she is doing...but how cud i? especially wen ther is so much misunderstandin...dun i have the chance to correct it? or sud i say, i dun nid to do it...its just a waste of strength...so wat if v settle this? that scar still remain...she may not heal that instant...i may not heal that instant...
this guessing game i dun wana play...listen to me...listen to my heart...but why don't i open my mouth?!!!
i've become too afraid...i feel so useless...this never happened before...i duno how to face it...i never come across someone who thinks like her...
i....i duno wat to do...each step i made, i am so afraid to make d wrong move...1 wrong move wud just take my life away...it is so dangerous...
now that we hardly see...hardly talk...wen are we gona be normal again? this i do not know...but please...dun let this last any longer...let's not suffer like this...or sud i say, dun let me go trough this misery....
this weekend wud really be busy...as i finally stop work...ther'll be a celebration party for Sapphire house...two to be exact...hope that it'll go well...
it feels so much beta at home den sitting in class listening to Pn Ramlah...rather die den sitting in her class for a period...
wen to ts to meet up XJ n KY...later to gold river...ther i saw a shop selling wantan mee...saw d chinese writin below d 'wan' word...it look so familiar...never notice its writin in my life b4...it was her last name...
some say i sud give up, as that may be d purpose of what she is doing...but how cud i? especially wen ther is so much misunderstandin...dun i have the chance to correct it? or sud i say, i dun nid to do it...its just a waste of strength...so wat if v settle this? that scar still remain...she may not heal that instant...i may not heal that instant...
this guessing game i dun wana play...listen to me...listen to my heart...but why don't i open my mouth?!!!
i've become too afraid...i feel so useless...this never happened before...i duno how to face it...i never come across someone who thinks like her...
i....i duno wat to do...each step i made, i am so afraid to make d wrong move...1 wrong move wud just take my life away...it is so dangerous...
now that we hardly see...hardly talk...wen are we gona be normal again? this i do not know...but please...dun let this last any longer...let's not suffer like this...or sud i say, dun let me go trough this misery....
this weekend wud really be busy...as i finally stop work...ther'll be a celebration party for Sapphire house...two to be exact...hope that it'll go well...
April 08, 2008
my fault
din go to school again as usuall...even now that i am suspended from being a prefect for a month...
Jr came this morning...accompany me through this really hard time...
thinking twice wether to go to confucian to see d basketball competition or not...
wether i would see her not...in the end i went...really dun wanna be at home...
i reach there just as they finish skul...but yet i din see her...maybe its coz she dun wana see me...even if i did see her...what would i say to her? how would we see each other?
______________________________________________________
Its my fault to blame…it all started way back when during the week after her exam in march…
That was when I find that her thinking and mine differs…a lot...at that moment I said to myself how am I to cope with someone that thinks exactly the opposite of me?
She reminded me of how cruel can love be…of how sinister it could be…all I wanted was just a pure relationship...but just by loving someone is really not enuf…really it isn’t..
She’s independent, I know…cud she not let loose abit…and let someone like me come into her world?
At work wher we see each other most of the time…is even more dreadful after the week we had our skul holidays…we barely talk to each other, and she always think that I ‘fat pei hei’ coz I don’t say a word…believe me, its not that I dunwan to…its coz I am really tired and work is really not the place I talk most…
At times wen I told some of d daily things that happen in skul o wat problems I am facing…she would just pour cold water on me…is that how to comfort someone?...i am really not use to it, I am sorry…mayb in her eyes, what I told her is just too childish for her to listen…therefore I chose to kip quiet… “talk more, wrong more”…
As I loose confidence each time I am in front of her…I really acted out stupidly…even the conflict between me n dear mum…I cant hide it away from her…of how dear mum owaz do even stupid-er things than me…I am really ashamed of dear mum…I really dun do things well…that is just my weakness…that she cant accept…
I don’t talk well,
I can’t handle situations properly,
I am retarded…
A month before her burfday, I work 4 days a week, wen I oni work Sats n Suns…I know that I use a lot of $, n I really wanna buy sumthing nice for her, like wat she bought for me…I mange to save a sum…but I still wana be thrifty, I save up my on phone bills…as she’s a maxis user, n I am a digi user, I cudn’t sms her as I din even have the money to top up…my mum wouldn’t lend me her handphone…I know that this situation would only last a while…but I was wrong, that little while I din’t sms her brought enuf disaster for both of us…I regret…
I cant think of anything now…I’ve no longer the strength to continue typing out what has happened before…
I oni want myself to be back myself…I really dun wana push myself too hard to the extend that I can’t recognize myself…I can’t maneuver my life properly…I am afraid I am going the wrong way…to change myself for the better? Or be back the m-leong that suppose to be…
Come on lah…you can do it….HOU MOU?!
April 07, 2008
couldn't express...
i am so exausted now...
i never been so down, since...since you know who...left me...
i really can't take it...why is it so hard for two person to be together?
why is it that some of us couldn't appreciate people in front of us...
in this war for a while now...tot of giving up, really...but easier said than done...i am really lost now...it hurts so much, till i can't open my mouth to talk...how could this be? how could m-leong not talk...
we went well at first, didnt know that it would be like this now...it has come to not replying my messages, giving me cold words for me to listen, hiding from me as if i am a lunatic...
i admit that i am childish at times...and i can't match her matureness...
is that the problem we are facing?...
i really dont know...i don't know what to do? what to say?...i bcum numd in front of her...i never know why...i can't control it...i could cry just whispering what i want to say to her...
there are so much misunderstanding between us...i really duno wher to start...i want to open my mouth and talk...but each time i do, i feel even more stupid...someone please help me...
as work is pilling up...i really dun wish tat my emotions spoil other people's day...i really nid the energy to finish the upcoming camp our school organize...i dunwan to blew it...i dunwan to just think about this...think about her...think about how stupid i am...
i love her...i really do...i hope that she does too...
i never been so down, since...since you know who...left me...
i really can't take it...why is it so hard for two person to be together?
why is it that some of us couldn't appreciate people in front of us...
in this war for a while now...tot of giving up, really...but easier said than done...i am really lost now...it hurts so much, till i can't open my mouth to talk...how could this be? how could m-leong not talk...
we went well at first, didnt know that it would be like this now...it has come to not replying my messages, giving me cold words for me to listen, hiding from me as if i am a lunatic...
i admit that i am childish at times...and i can't match her matureness...
is that the problem we are facing?...
i really dont know...i don't know what to do? what to say?...i bcum numd in front of her...i never know why...i can't control it...i could cry just whispering what i want to say to her...
there are so much misunderstanding between us...i really duno wher to start...i want to open my mouth and talk...but each time i do, i feel even more stupid...someone please help me...
as work is pilling up...i really dun wish tat my emotions spoil other people's day...i really nid the energy to finish the upcoming camp our school organize...i dunwan to blew it...i dunwan to just think about this...think about her...think about how stupid i am...
i love her...i really do...i hope that she does too...
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