May 18, 2009
change blog lah..
out with the old
in with the new
May 15, 2009
why am i not happy
I don’t know why, but it is bugging me. Why do I have to logic so much? I am the type that loves to run away from unhappy things and made sure I turn my back on it.
I may be upset and overwhelmed by something bad that happen, but I usually get over it. I really hope that you all see that. If I put a smile on my face, please respect that it is really a smile. How fake that smile may hinder my sadness, but it isn’t easy, so don’t pull me back down which question of concerns. I hate!
If one day I keep quiet, and don’t say a word, and if one day I look different than the other day, don’t come to me and say what is wrong? How are you feeling? And the most hated and ‘pantang’ phrase is “Are u ok?”…
Hey, if I am really ok, ur such question make it feels that like I am not that ok…meng meng, I am ok de..u ask like tat like I am crazy…ish~~…words of concern it may be…but for me, It makes me remember that actually there’s something wrong and I have to think about it…
Maybe this is not the best solution, but escaping all sadness is my way of life, and my key to survive.
I’d gone through many downturns this year…but I am up and going. I am putting down the pain. If I am hurting myself with actions that I should not do…please let me be…I will feel better that way. But if my actions hurt other people, tell me fast, tell me quickly…sometimes we may be blinded and can’t see well.
I led my life all this way all the while. Don’t change me, coz I am really happy with myself. Don’t forget I am a talkative and always tell others about unnecessary things. If I am feeling sad or what I do tell it out…I don’t keep it all to myself often.
If I miss, I miss. If I love, I love. If I don’t like, I will say. If I am unhappy, I’ll mention.
Thanks for friends that concern so much, and for those who know how much I lost, but without lost, we won’t appreciate the things around us more, and without lost, we won’t find that we have much more. Losing things is sometime a growing pain, but who don’t lose anything?
The passage of cure through pain is the most important thing. Dwelling on what we lost isn’t gonna get us anywhere ok?
Fake now I may be, but I am not hurting anyone and I am happy with myself.
May 14, 2009
tummy
Need to get back in shape. This few months I’ve not taken good care of my own body.
Sometimes I get so skinny, and suddenly I become fat. This process goes on for months since I finish last year’s exam.
For your information I am fat now. My eye bags, no more red lips, skin complexion like dead corpse, tummy bulged out, and more grey hair again. I start to look like an old man.
I really need to get on the tracks again to get back my rock solid figure…kekeke…
I’ve not eaten well, and I may commit to gastric problems. Sometimes I don’t eat, or sometimes I eat too much (especially at night)…soon my cheeks will turn black and look like the guys in The Black Parade by MCR.
My eating disorder has become a habit, and really need to adjust it. Besides, sleeping isn’t a big problem for this pig. I either sleep too much, or I just get 4 hours of sleep. My endurance has weakened so much I become like ah pek.
I can’t face friends that I don’t meet often, coz I may just frighten them and I can’t let them see how disgusting I’ve become. I want to rejuvenate and look as fresh as possible.
At this age especially, we all should look our best, it’s the prime of our young adult life. So I can’t take it if I have a big tummy, grey hair, and pale white face.
Been jogging frequently lately, made sure I work out at least an hour a day, twice a week.
If u know me well, u’ll know I love running, and working out lately has become my favorite past time. Usually after work I will go take a few rounds at the park behind my house…I don’t care how late it is, I still make sure I make my curfew. I even manage to go out after 8pm, this may sound dangerous, but it’s quite safe as there are many guards around, I still need to keep a look out for bad guys though…
Yep…getting back in shape now…
Sometimes I get so skinny, and suddenly I become fat. This process goes on for months since I finish last year’s exam.
For your information I am fat now. My eye bags, no more red lips, skin complexion like dead corpse, tummy bulged out, and more grey hair again. I start to look like an old man.
I really need to get on the tracks again to get back my rock solid figure…kekeke…
I’ve not eaten well, and I may commit to gastric problems. Sometimes I don’t eat, or sometimes I eat too much (especially at night)…soon my cheeks will turn black and look like the guys in The Black Parade by MCR.
My eating disorder has become a habit, and really need to adjust it. Besides, sleeping isn’t a big problem for this pig. I either sleep too much, or I just get 4 hours of sleep. My endurance has weakened so much I become like ah pek.
I can’t face friends that I don’t meet often, coz I may just frighten them and I can’t let them see how disgusting I’ve become. I want to rejuvenate and look as fresh as possible.
At this age especially, we all should look our best, it’s the prime of our young adult life. So I can’t take it if I have a big tummy, grey hair, and pale white face.
Been jogging frequently lately, made sure I work out at least an hour a day, twice a week.
If u know me well, u’ll know I love running, and working out lately has become my favorite past time. Usually after work I will go take a few rounds at the park behind my house…I don’t care how late it is, I still make sure I make my curfew. I even manage to go out after 8pm, this may sound dangerous, but it’s quite safe as there are many guards around, I still need to keep a look out for bad guys though…
Yep…getting back in shape now…
May 12, 2009
do i?
Sometimes I think whether I am supposed to love or not?
This may seem negative, but I do find out in the end that I did my best.
Sometimes there are guidelines that it is supposedly exist. How a guy should be, and how a girl should be, but maybe those are just how people see things and indirectly create a “must” for either guy or girl to become.
In a relationship, you should be like this, and she should be like that. If it all falls into place, then it is perfect. While if it doesn’t, u’ll say nothing is perfect, and u either give up that relationship, or bear with what you have, then mend things with choices you think.
Now remember we’re not making a wrong or right impression, coz everything is just how u see it or how u feel it.
For me, sometimes I can’t rational how my emotions react and in the past I did lost control of my own emotions and mind as well. Sometimes I think too much and in the end adding more pain into my own suffering. With a cuckoo mind, whatever I think may result in extra catastrophe.
And this few days I think, actually do I really love? What does it means? How does it work? And if I know, will it be another thing that is affected by how the world sees?
Doing a lot of things, do a little, or do nothing. How do u see it? Care for a lot of things, care for a little, or care for nothing. How do u see it? Understand a lot, understand a little, or understand nothing. How do u see it?
Do, care, or understand…what shows that you love someone or the other way?
I think back of myself, as what this post is mainly is about, whatever I do, does it shows how much I love? Where is the measurement in that? Have I practice it in the correct way or is it the way either the world or she sees?
As the saying goes, although the person doesn’t love you the way you wanted, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all their heart. This phrase applies to everyone, including me.
I admit I didn’t put my head in the correct way and my heart in another way. I shut tight my deep thoughts even I could not find. Blinded by my own pride and greed, I don’t know what I wanted.
After many wrong paths and challenges I confront, I found peace somewhere I don’t need to look for. I just needed to reach out and ask form God. He knew me, watch me as I grow and the best place to find myself is to be back in the place I was mold.
I don’t have to lean on the past, nor blame myself so much on all the wrong choices. As ‘tomorrow’ waits for me to claim the right to live better for myself, friends, and maybe you.
I’ll take hold of my days here as the ‘me’ I used to be, a happier me.
May 10, 2009
episodes
We live through many stages of our life, and go through many challenges as well as sweet memories. Yet each episode of our life has an ending. So does this episode.
Been watching many drama series lately, and most of the time the last chapter is always captivating. Whether the ending is a sad one or a happy one, it is still the end.
I made many decisions, and made many moves, and turn the pages to find out what’s next. Sometimes I even jump a few pages, or fast forward the cd just to find out what will happen next.
I open many chapters and closed some, yet the episode is still there. Turn left; turn right, I am still in a circle.
3 years ago, a fantasy story became a nightmare. I may think that I’ve turn to the last page, yet I still hold on to it. As days become weeks, weeks become months, and months become years, I open new chapters before I closed the last one.
Years past and now here I am. I look back and see how the story goes. One episodeafter the other another, I really can’t chase.
The beginning and the end, many things happened so fast for me to even glance.
I write my last note, and put down the book. On the last page, it is written, The End.
Whether I like the ending or not it really is the end. Sometimes we may want a better ending, but in the story it is written that way. We can just take it as an additional experience that had gone through.
We tend to change, be it by time, or by people. For better or worse, it is an episode in our life. For me, each episode is a lesson. Sometimes we may learn things the hard way, but hey, I came back.
This series has come to its end. Another episode close.
May 04, 2009
i'll never love again
I was wrong to let you walk right out of my life.
I was dumb to think that i could survive,
Was a fool to think the grass was
Greener on the other side.
Now it hurts to know that it means that i,
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again,
I was stupid to think that any love
could compare to the love that you gave to me from you,
was a fool, yes a fool to think that
I'd find anywhere, anyone is better for me than you,
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again,
And now my heart is stone cold because you've gone, gone away, gone away
Gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again
I was dumb to think that i could survive,
Was a fool to think the grass was
Greener on the other side.
Now it hurts to know that it means that i,
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again,
I was stupid to think that any love
could compare to the love that you gave to me from you,
was a fool, yes a fool to think that
I'd find anywhere, anyone is better for me than you,
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again,
And now my heart is stone cold because you've gone, gone away, gone away
Gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away, gone away
I'll never love again, never, never.
I'll never find nobody who can love me like you do,
I'll never find nobody to treat me the way you do,
I'll never find nobody else babe,
I'll never fall in love again
i'll never love again-Taio Cruz
May 03, 2009
lately
So tired today, my brain is smashed and can’t see things properly. I am having migraines again and I am not using my brain at all…haha…
Been missing her so much lately, but all I do is just sit here waiting for the sun to come down and the moon to come up. How come I always repeat history, making myself suffer here by myself.
I am lying back, but I can’t focus myself. I stop thinking about her, and I tell myself I will feel better. Yeah, I do feel much more relieve, and this is what I should feel. I don’t want to hurt myself more, I dun wan to be a fool more and more.
Yet I am not pushing her away. I just need to relax first…I am doing well for a week or two, then I miss her so much again…
I constantly tell myself don’t be affected by mere emotions. Im doing well and I know I can pull through.
it's not too late
I believe that the word “too late” doesn’t exist in my dictionary and I can’t define its true meaning.
It isn’t too late for anything to happen, just whether you want it to happen or not?
It was too late for me to study and sit for my STPM, but I excel in it. Could I say that the stars and hearts she folded for me in that bottle made a miracle for me? It is like a fantasy dream come true.
I thought it was too late sometimes for things to change, but we always make it through, and finish all the task that were given to us. I remember all the datelines for presentations and all, but it always is finish no matter how hard we pull through, we make it.
I also thought that it was too late for her to change, but she did change, and when she changed I told myself it is too late. Whatever she does, it is too late. I won’t turn back and I won’t let her in again.
Even friends who had brain ask her to stop loving me. I had changed, and it is too late for her to do anything to make me go back. Thus she easily rapidly, put me down. Hate me instead.
I showed the world that I and she won’t be together again, and I made everyone see that I am not worth it for her. No one beside her encourage her to love me again, especially not her own heart. It was rational.
To everyone, everything is too late. Nothing she can do to reverse it. Had anyone see me? Was anyone of them by my side? Then why judge people as they see? I told the world I am a playboy, and those people trust that I am. I am disappointed to those who admit that I am. I am sure you know who you are, reading this or not. You add black dots into your conversation.
Then, “it is too late, our time has passed”, the same phrase use against me when I reach out for her.
I return to where I was and suppose to be, but she told me that I am too late. It’s hard to believe as it happened only for a month.
If in the beginning I felt it was too late, and I turn back. Why now all of you follow what I am doing? We may be different, be we are humans with feelings, and that leads us back to the same line of people.
I will wait, wait till how late it may be u said, and continue to wait as if I never knew its meaning. I’ll show you, that it’s not too late.
May 01, 2009
it's coming back
I had loads of fun yesterday and laugh our heads off like before.
I thought I will lose this and not able to get it back, but I did. I thought everything will change but it remains the same waiting for me, with open arms they welcome my presence.
Went back to school with Jr yesterday and waited our turns to go up the stage for our very proud moments. Teachers congrats me nonstop, encouraging me to excel better. I smile my way through the whole scene. I never felt more proud of myself than yesterday ‘cause I made another history again in school.
After all that we went to Say Li’s dental shop again, did chilled out and admire her all so wonderful private “clinic”. Had exquisite Thai food for lunch and went to sing K later on. It’s funny that our room was next to Sky’s and the form 5 gang. We sang a lot of English songs that day, maybe its cause we sang too many songs last week so we chose songs that we seldom sing. What a funny situation when KY changes her tone of voice from boy to gal, and gal to boy.
For the first time, we went to go “boxing”. Hahaha, at least we went to the arcade and throw our fist at the boxing machine there. We waited till the guys move away then only we went to play that machine. Jr’s blow is of coz the best; he got the highest score of all of us.
After all that we went to Hau Kee’s to eat crab meat and steamboat at yuelik. Jr was so excited to eat the crab he promote so much how tasty those buttermilk crabs will be till our taste glands keep squirting saliva out. It was worth it though how much it cost for us. i still remember i was suppose to have a dinner with her dad and it was crab as well. eating the crab was delicious, yet every bite reminds me more about her.
While we were eating steamboat we did bring back old stories to talk about even the times before all 3 of us had gf’s. Couldn’t believe that 2 years past like that, and in these two years, I changed so much more.
There were many happy memories and I could cherish more of it now and in the upcoming days I will spent with them. No matter how many people may come and go out of our lives, we 3 stay together. one love undivided. There just nowhere else I should go. I will stand here with them, Sisz, and M6N.
I may have many people around me, and not able to divide my own self, but these people mold my life and are my life boat in life. Every journey of my life, I wont back them down. I don’t want to be someone that moves on so fast with life till I disappear from the face of the earth.
as every part of our life we meet different people, i'm glad that we able to meet up at this pathway of our journey.
April 29, 2009
being cool
Being cool. (I hope I am doing what I am saying)
I’ve not find her since last wed. I don’t want to put her into my mind right now actually. I want to go on my days without any hindrance.
I’m excited about tomorrow by the way. I’m going back to school to get two awards for academic excellence. It is not a usual scene because I don’t get many awards for academic excellence. haha.
But it is heart pounding to get the award for best subject and best student in STPM. I shouldn’t be so proud coz there ain’t many competitors around. I should say that it was easy without ex classmates like Queen B, CY, RE, and yah you know who u r lah…
Most of my classmates are in Science stream anyway…
It is killing me that I am going into a school that now sees me as a monster playboy. I won’t feel as welcome or as belong as I did before. The girls, the staring eyes of those who knows. The atmosphere will be as if I am standing there alone in a corner, while everyone will just stare and whisper softly to themselves.
The very place I should feel belong now has become a place I least want to enter alone. Even if my heart wants to see her the most, Now I don’t. There may be still girls that are close this monster. But my heart wants to be close to you know who. They have created a huge wall for me.
The worst part is, these little girls have talk of false gestures of me in front of the others. Spreading stories far from the truth. Where do I stand? No power in me to stop it for I started it. I want to hide myself. But why do I need to? How could I shut those f***ing mouth.
I can’t say anything coz I am really a sucker. I can’t mind what they say now, even if all this is bringing her further away from me. I just stand here. I don’t have to prove anything no more. Doing nothing is the best thing. The more I do, the messier it gets.
I will stop blood from flowing rapidly for I need to stop this heart from losing more blood. Really need to restore my strength, my faith, my dignity.
That’s what I have to do.
April 26, 2009
lucky
Remember the song lucky? It just reminds me of me n S. I was lucky to be in love with my best friend.
I was lucky to been there where we had been. Everything seems so easy and went according to the wind. I want to be here, and she wants to be where I am as well. She wants to do that, and would want to play along as well.
I run, she run. She dance I dance. Everywhere I am, there she’ll be. Not by me side all the time by in our hearts we kept each other. Her presence is always with me everywhere I go, and so does what she felt.
Without saying a word more, both of us always blurt into laughter. We could make a fool out of ourselves and still look cool. Without missing her a second longer, her called is always a minute away and always on the right time when I needed her the most.
Each time it was like telepathic. She knows whenever I need her, like superwomen, and I always be the one to encourage through her dark times. It’s such a waste that we could not take mum’s pressure further up.
Frankly, mum and I fought lesser when she was around, she always knew what to say, and lecture me not to shout at mum. She told me to stay calm, don't fight back a word mum say, and it worked very well. But mum grew crazy after my hand phone was crash. There it started. mum blame S alot. I tried to fix the problem, but mum keep making it messier. Mum’s relationship with her grew tense as well. till this moment i still blame mum for making her leave me.
We still live side by side each other. Even if we fought, we still make up, thus bonding our relationship even closer. It would never come into anyone’s mind that we would break up. The seas were calm and there were no storms to be seen.
We knew each other too well, but I over see that I wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t the one who is financially secure. I could not give her the material things she wants instead I gave her more headaches too think about. Each night she would be vulnerable to the night life she love so much.
She was the one who had many people chasing after her, but we both just laugh at the guys that go after her. I never grow jealous of any guys, instead I felt ok even if he gave S presents. Just because the trust between me and her was so strong, nothing could go wrong.
But I never thought that the problem was that. I never thought about it.
Anyway, it was over and I am glad I learned so much from her. So much till I feel that I don’t need to put so much in a love, ‘cause it will go away after all.
I don’t love so much. Yet I unconsciously fall for you. I thought back our memories, but I throw them right out the window. It’s ok if I can’t find it back anymore. ‘Cause I hate myself more than you hate me. I don’t need your sympathy; I’ll just live my life ahead.
I was lucky to been there where we had been. Everything seems so easy and went according to the wind. I want to be here, and she wants to be where I am as well. She wants to do that, and would want to play along as well.
I run, she run. She dance I dance. Everywhere I am, there she’ll be. Not by me side all the time by in our hearts we kept each other. Her presence is always with me everywhere I go, and so does what she felt.
Without saying a word more, both of us always blurt into laughter. We could make a fool out of ourselves and still look cool. Without missing her a second longer, her called is always a minute away and always on the right time when I needed her the most.
Each time it was like telepathic. She knows whenever I need her, like superwomen, and I always be the one to encourage through her dark times. It’s such a waste that we could not take mum’s pressure further up.
Frankly, mum and I fought lesser when she was around, she always knew what to say, and lecture me not to shout at mum. She told me to stay calm, don't fight back a word mum say, and it worked very well. But mum grew crazy after my hand phone was crash. There it started. mum blame S alot. I tried to fix the problem, but mum keep making it messier. Mum’s relationship with her grew tense as well. till this moment i still blame mum for making her leave me.
We still live side by side each other. Even if we fought, we still make up, thus bonding our relationship even closer. It would never come into anyone’s mind that we would break up. The seas were calm and there were no storms to be seen.
We knew each other too well, but I over see that I wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t the one who is financially secure. I could not give her the material things she wants instead I gave her more headaches too think about. Each night she would be vulnerable to the night life she love so much.
She was the one who had many people chasing after her, but we both just laugh at the guys that go after her. I never grow jealous of any guys, instead I felt ok even if he gave S presents. Just because the trust between me and her was so strong, nothing could go wrong.
But I never thought that the problem was that. I never thought about it.
Anyway, it was over and I am glad I learned so much from her. So much till I feel that I don’t need to put so much in a love, ‘cause it will go away after all.
I don’t love so much. Yet I unconsciously fall for you. I thought back our memories, but I throw them right out the window. It’s ok if I can’t find it back anymore. ‘Cause I hate myself more than you hate me. I don’t need your sympathy; I’ll just live my life ahead.
April 25, 2009
that why she goes?
I am speechless…how can she bring back a story 3 years ago and hit the story back at me.
Does she know what happened? Does she feel that I wasn’t the same person I was then? Of all the words that could be said, she chose to say something like that.
“That’s why she left you”. She dare say that phrase out loud. She dare assume the story goes the same like hers. She over step the border.
See that she didn’t know me at all. See that I was correct after all. I know she hates me for what I have did, but does she need to react in this way? How to let her know that my days with S were 100 times sweeter than her.? Her jealous heart would not accept a single thing I say.
How will she know that I wasn’t a high demand person that I am now?
How will she know that I listen to every word S says?
How will she know that S was everything to me?
How will she know that it took almost two years to put S down?
How will she know that I blame myself so much even it wasn’t my fault to be blame?
I won’t blame M, coz she really doesn’t know. I never make an effort to tell her when we’re together. I told myself I won’t love someone as much again. And that was my selfish decision. after S, it mold me, changed me to become so cold even if I was hot on the outside but on the inside my heart is stone cold.
I spent and did a lot of things together with M, but a short period with S was enough to cover anyone’s memories. Just memories exist in me, and to this moment I know I won’t be with S again even if she comes back to me. Just because of how much she hurt me, like how I hurt M. i wont step closer to S again. yet I hurt M even deeper. And I’m alright now if she doesn’t accept me back. coz i've put S in the dungeon as well.
The same feeling I felt 3 years ago, now being felt by the one I love so much now. I am just out of order became so filthy and not to be sympathized on. For I still could not forgive S.
3 years ago me, didn’t have a car, didn’t have money to spent on, didn’t have a handphone for a year (coz spoilt by her) didn’t have a flexible mom, had responsibilities to handle, had a mom that keeps scolding your innocent friends, had a mom that gives pressure on me and S.
I could not go out at night, I could not go back late after school, I could not bring her to dinner, I couldn’t be by her side always (even if I were, she was still vulnerable to night life creatures).
I thought she was the one that wouldn’t see material things as a fact of a relationship. Sadly she did, and she left me there to be alone. She was as cruel as I am to you. Within two months she went on happily with another and they move on. Without me she continued their relation for almost a year.
Just because she is the same with the others, she wants the things that I could not give her at that moment, but I did not ask much from you. I know you could not, and I didn’t push you far. I just ask for a simple understanding and care when I am not happy. Maybe you see that I was so strong and I hate to be disturbed when I am down. Your simple smile could cheer my day, but you choose to kill it.
I am sorry that I became so short tempered. Its coz I thought u would know what I want by now. I thought u would understand me without saying much.
I remember the 1st month we were together, I told you before one of the reason I love you is because u have a pure heart, and you will love someone with all your heart and not by material things alone.
That was what captivates me to you.
don't say that was why she left me, coz u don't know. you dont. you forgot how i fight my way to where i stand. how i work hard to be "mature". i work on to be financially stabil and work on my relationship with mom. you dont know how much i fight for to stand here now. i would be me now if it wasn't for S.
April 24, 2009
blind
Semua sudah buta…
Where is the love? ~~~~ Why everyone is just giving up their love? Forget yesterday, throwing their happiness away. We only see the pain we feel now and want to say goodbye. So goodbye we say and better we do feel.
Being able to put down a burden, we feel relief. Reality check, how long does this last? If your heart still has her, why you leave her? Reality check no. 2, why do you only see your pain? Why do you see that only you suffer, and the other don’t understand what you want, don’t care as much as you want her to care.
You see that you told her, you tell yourself you gave her a SIGN. A sign for her to know that you’re giving up, “please care for me now, if not I will go”…Have you think that actually that “sign” you gave wasn’t big enough for her to see? All you feel is your pain, and you’re blinded.
Exhausted you say to yourself you had enough and you want to be selfish because you think that she was selfish as well, “why can’t I be selfish as well?” this phrase keeps playing in your mind. I gave her so much, I did so much, I just ask for a small small thing, but she could not give me. So you choose to give up.
You forgot all the good times you were together; you could not see that u use to hurt so much to see her hurt as much. You would not want her to cry; want to let her be on top of the world. You’ll climb up Mount Everest for her, pull down the moon for her. She was the one you love. Why do you only see pain in her now?
Are you blind? Where has the love gone? She wasn’t as selfish as you are now. You are exhausted yes, but is breaking up the answer? Please don’t follow my footsteps. All this matter can be solve, you just need to keep calm, and be rational, give him a chance and see how he change for you.
All this don’t take a week or two, please it takes months. You can continue to be selfish if you want. But you won’t be happy. You did not see how he could change for you, he could be so much better for you, and both of you could be happier. Don’t fail this test.
I failed. Don’t you fail. You may suffer so much more when you realize both of you could be better. When you realize who you love the most is him will he be by your side again?
Don’t just see the pain you feel. Remember the times you had together and he’s the only one you shared so much with. If he could change, will it be a waste if you throw it away and can’t get back?
Don’t be blind like me…
just hate laa~
If hate is what it has become, then hate la…
I have no power over anything. I should say I could not even control my own emotions.
I always say use my brain, but I end up using my knee when it comes to relationships. Why is it so hard for me to relax? Why don’t I enjoy it like I do when I was with S?
If she wants to hate me, let her be, coz now I hate myself even more than she does. I can’t ask for forgiveness, nor could I say anything actually. The more I blurt out, the more stupid I get. The more movement I make, the messier it get.
As you can see another move more, the knife cuts in deeper. The wound bleeds even more unable to be healed. I should lay low from the beginning but I keep on running and running faster towards her. I tried to walk but I always end up running after her.
If I say I feel nothing now, actually I really don’t feel a thing. I just want to go back to enjoy my life. I don’t want to add misery into myself, and I don’t want to make her hate me more. I am just tired and more exhausted.
For me, the pain of hating myself covers up her hatred for me. So I can’t feel a thing now, just living my life with friends around me and enjoy the moment that passes. I really hope I can do what I am saying. Coz saying really ain’t enough. I keep banging into the wall again and again.
Let it be, just let It be…I don’t want to care don't want to hear don’t want to know…
See myself in the mirror…Owh~~ so beautiful~~
April 21, 2009
8 hours
We balance our day with 8 hours of sleep, 8 hours of work, and 8 hours of play, but we hardly follow that rule right? Instead we may end up sleeping 4 hours, work or studying more than 10 hours, n play around an hour or more…
im not trying to prove anything here, but we hardly c people working or studying 8 hours a day now. even travelling sometimes take up an hour plus… why is it so dull? Especially if you’re working, I don’t want to see myself in the future ending up working n working my life off.
Imagine ur time being bought at a price by a company. How much depends a lot on what you graduated on, and what type of boss u have. And imagine u don’t have any freedom to choose how many hours u work and u keep working till u get the job done, but when does the job actually gets done? One comes after the other.
Soon u have to spent overtime to finish everything that is due. Soon you realize u don’t have much time for other things…play, friends, and family doesn’t consist in your lifestyle anymore. Maybe u try to sleep lesser to gain back the leisure u lost. But in the long run…how does your health report shows?
After graduating form 6, working really took up a lot of my time to the extend I don’t see daylight for more than an hour, and I live in the dark eventually have no time to meet up the friends in high school.
Time…really matter a lot to us and different people value time in different ways and make use of it differently. For me now, I do hope to spend more time with friends and love ones and have fun a bit as I just graduate a heck of an exam. Working so hard like a ‘kuli’ really isn’t the thing I want now. I still have so damn much more years to live and work…this is the time to have fun!
This job im working in Low Yat now is perfect for me. I really work 8 hours a day but in between I log on the internet, watch movies, and chat a lot…its like having 8 hours more of leisure time in the 24 hours we have a day. After work I have enough time to chill out and keep track with mom as well as house work…
This temporary job is indeed cool, now I just want to be in this solitude sanctuary.
I conclude today that I went to sing k at greenbox the other day, and had loads of fun celebrating nicky’s birthday…and guess how long we sing for. Exactly 8 hours! Sing till our throat burst. The best thing is, that wasn’t even my off day. We sing from 8pm till 4am in the morning. ( all u can sing package)
Waiting for uni acceptance. Hope to get into a good uni and get the course I want~ pray with me…
Gan cheong o~~~
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