April 29, 2009
being cool
Being cool. (I hope I am doing what I am saying)
I’ve not find her since last wed. I don’t want to put her into my mind right now actually. I want to go on my days without any hindrance.
I’m excited about tomorrow by the way. I’m going back to school to get two awards for academic excellence. It is not a usual scene because I don’t get many awards for academic excellence. haha.
But it is heart pounding to get the award for best subject and best student in STPM. I shouldn’t be so proud coz there ain’t many competitors around. I should say that it was easy without ex classmates like Queen B, CY, RE, and yah you know who u r lah…
Most of my classmates are in Science stream anyway…
It is killing me that I am going into a school that now sees me as a monster playboy. I won’t feel as welcome or as belong as I did before. The girls, the staring eyes of those who knows. The atmosphere will be as if I am standing there alone in a corner, while everyone will just stare and whisper softly to themselves.
The very place I should feel belong now has become a place I least want to enter alone. Even if my heart wants to see her the most, Now I don’t. There may be still girls that are close this monster. But my heart wants to be close to you know who. They have created a huge wall for me.
The worst part is, these little girls have talk of false gestures of me in front of the others. Spreading stories far from the truth. Where do I stand? No power in me to stop it for I started it. I want to hide myself. But why do I need to? How could I shut those f***ing mouth.
I can’t say anything coz I am really a sucker. I can’t mind what they say now, even if all this is bringing her further away from me. I just stand here. I don’t have to prove anything no more. Doing nothing is the best thing. The more I do, the messier it gets.
I will stop blood from flowing rapidly for I need to stop this heart from losing more blood. Really need to restore my strength, my faith, my dignity.
That’s what I have to do.
April 26, 2009
lucky
Remember the song lucky? It just reminds me of me n S. I was lucky to be in love with my best friend.
I was lucky to been there where we had been. Everything seems so easy and went according to the wind. I want to be here, and she wants to be where I am as well. She wants to do that, and would want to play along as well.
I run, she run. She dance I dance. Everywhere I am, there she’ll be. Not by me side all the time by in our hearts we kept each other. Her presence is always with me everywhere I go, and so does what she felt.
Without saying a word more, both of us always blurt into laughter. We could make a fool out of ourselves and still look cool. Without missing her a second longer, her called is always a minute away and always on the right time when I needed her the most.
Each time it was like telepathic. She knows whenever I need her, like superwomen, and I always be the one to encourage through her dark times. It’s such a waste that we could not take mum’s pressure further up.
Frankly, mum and I fought lesser when she was around, she always knew what to say, and lecture me not to shout at mum. She told me to stay calm, don't fight back a word mum say, and it worked very well. But mum grew crazy after my hand phone was crash. There it started. mum blame S alot. I tried to fix the problem, but mum keep making it messier. Mum’s relationship with her grew tense as well. till this moment i still blame mum for making her leave me.
We still live side by side each other. Even if we fought, we still make up, thus bonding our relationship even closer. It would never come into anyone’s mind that we would break up. The seas were calm and there were no storms to be seen.
We knew each other too well, but I over see that I wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t the one who is financially secure. I could not give her the material things she wants instead I gave her more headaches too think about. Each night she would be vulnerable to the night life she love so much.
She was the one who had many people chasing after her, but we both just laugh at the guys that go after her. I never grow jealous of any guys, instead I felt ok even if he gave S presents. Just because the trust between me and her was so strong, nothing could go wrong.
But I never thought that the problem was that. I never thought about it.
Anyway, it was over and I am glad I learned so much from her. So much till I feel that I don’t need to put so much in a love, ‘cause it will go away after all.
I don’t love so much. Yet I unconsciously fall for you. I thought back our memories, but I throw them right out the window. It’s ok if I can’t find it back anymore. ‘Cause I hate myself more than you hate me. I don’t need your sympathy; I’ll just live my life ahead.
I was lucky to been there where we had been. Everything seems so easy and went according to the wind. I want to be here, and she wants to be where I am as well. She wants to do that, and would want to play along as well.
I run, she run. She dance I dance. Everywhere I am, there she’ll be. Not by me side all the time by in our hearts we kept each other. Her presence is always with me everywhere I go, and so does what she felt.
Without saying a word more, both of us always blurt into laughter. We could make a fool out of ourselves and still look cool. Without missing her a second longer, her called is always a minute away and always on the right time when I needed her the most.
Each time it was like telepathic. She knows whenever I need her, like superwomen, and I always be the one to encourage through her dark times. It’s such a waste that we could not take mum’s pressure further up.
Frankly, mum and I fought lesser when she was around, she always knew what to say, and lecture me not to shout at mum. She told me to stay calm, don't fight back a word mum say, and it worked very well. But mum grew crazy after my hand phone was crash. There it started. mum blame S alot. I tried to fix the problem, but mum keep making it messier. Mum’s relationship with her grew tense as well. till this moment i still blame mum for making her leave me.
We still live side by side each other. Even if we fought, we still make up, thus bonding our relationship even closer. It would never come into anyone’s mind that we would break up. The seas were calm and there were no storms to be seen.
We knew each other too well, but I over see that I wasn’t enough for her. I wasn’t the one who is financially secure. I could not give her the material things she wants instead I gave her more headaches too think about. Each night she would be vulnerable to the night life she love so much.
She was the one who had many people chasing after her, but we both just laugh at the guys that go after her. I never grow jealous of any guys, instead I felt ok even if he gave S presents. Just because the trust between me and her was so strong, nothing could go wrong.
But I never thought that the problem was that. I never thought about it.
Anyway, it was over and I am glad I learned so much from her. So much till I feel that I don’t need to put so much in a love, ‘cause it will go away after all.
I don’t love so much. Yet I unconsciously fall for you. I thought back our memories, but I throw them right out the window. It’s ok if I can’t find it back anymore. ‘Cause I hate myself more than you hate me. I don’t need your sympathy; I’ll just live my life ahead.
April 25, 2009
that why she goes?
I am speechless…how can she bring back a story 3 years ago and hit the story back at me.
Does she know what happened? Does she feel that I wasn’t the same person I was then? Of all the words that could be said, she chose to say something like that.
“That’s why she left you”. She dare say that phrase out loud. She dare assume the story goes the same like hers. She over step the border.
See that she didn’t know me at all. See that I was correct after all. I know she hates me for what I have did, but does she need to react in this way? How to let her know that my days with S were 100 times sweeter than her.? Her jealous heart would not accept a single thing I say.
How will she know that I wasn’t a high demand person that I am now?
How will she know that I listen to every word S says?
How will she know that S was everything to me?
How will she know that it took almost two years to put S down?
How will she know that I blame myself so much even it wasn’t my fault to be blame?
I won’t blame M, coz she really doesn’t know. I never make an effort to tell her when we’re together. I told myself I won’t love someone as much again. And that was my selfish decision. after S, it mold me, changed me to become so cold even if I was hot on the outside but on the inside my heart is stone cold.
I spent and did a lot of things together with M, but a short period with S was enough to cover anyone’s memories. Just memories exist in me, and to this moment I know I won’t be with S again even if she comes back to me. Just because of how much she hurt me, like how I hurt M. i wont step closer to S again. yet I hurt M even deeper. And I’m alright now if she doesn’t accept me back. coz i've put S in the dungeon as well.
The same feeling I felt 3 years ago, now being felt by the one I love so much now. I am just out of order became so filthy and not to be sympathized on. For I still could not forgive S.
3 years ago me, didn’t have a car, didn’t have money to spent on, didn’t have a handphone for a year (coz spoilt by her) didn’t have a flexible mom, had responsibilities to handle, had a mom that keeps scolding your innocent friends, had a mom that gives pressure on me and S.
I could not go out at night, I could not go back late after school, I could not bring her to dinner, I couldn’t be by her side always (even if I were, she was still vulnerable to night life creatures).
I thought she was the one that wouldn’t see material things as a fact of a relationship. Sadly she did, and she left me there to be alone. She was as cruel as I am to you. Within two months she went on happily with another and they move on. Without me she continued their relation for almost a year.
Just because she is the same with the others, she wants the things that I could not give her at that moment, but I did not ask much from you. I know you could not, and I didn’t push you far. I just ask for a simple understanding and care when I am not happy. Maybe you see that I was so strong and I hate to be disturbed when I am down. Your simple smile could cheer my day, but you choose to kill it.
I am sorry that I became so short tempered. Its coz I thought u would know what I want by now. I thought u would understand me without saying much.
I remember the 1st month we were together, I told you before one of the reason I love you is because u have a pure heart, and you will love someone with all your heart and not by material things alone.
That was what captivates me to you.
don't say that was why she left me, coz u don't know. you dont. you forgot how i fight my way to where i stand. how i work hard to be "mature". i work on to be financially stabil and work on my relationship with mom. you dont know how much i fight for to stand here now. i would be me now if it wasn't for S.
April 24, 2009
blind
Semua sudah buta…
Where is the love? ~~~~ Why everyone is just giving up their love? Forget yesterday, throwing their happiness away. We only see the pain we feel now and want to say goodbye. So goodbye we say and better we do feel.
Being able to put down a burden, we feel relief. Reality check, how long does this last? If your heart still has her, why you leave her? Reality check no. 2, why do you only see your pain? Why do you see that only you suffer, and the other don’t understand what you want, don’t care as much as you want her to care.
You see that you told her, you tell yourself you gave her a SIGN. A sign for her to know that you’re giving up, “please care for me now, if not I will go”…Have you think that actually that “sign” you gave wasn’t big enough for her to see? All you feel is your pain, and you’re blinded.
Exhausted you say to yourself you had enough and you want to be selfish because you think that she was selfish as well, “why can’t I be selfish as well?” this phrase keeps playing in your mind. I gave her so much, I did so much, I just ask for a small small thing, but she could not give me. So you choose to give up.
You forgot all the good times you were together; you could not see that u use to hurt so much to see her hurt as much. You would not want her to cry; want to let her be on top of the world. You’ll climb up Mount Everest for her, pull down the moon for her. She was the one you love. Why do you only see pain in her now?
Are you blind? Where has the love gone? She wasn’t as selfish as you are now. You are exhausted yes, but is breaking up the answer? Please don’t follow my footsteps. All this matter can be solve, you just need to keep calm, and be rational, give him a chance and see how he change for you.
All this don’t take a week or two, please it takes months. You can continue to be selfish if you want. But you won’t be happy. You did not see how he could change for you, he could be so much better for you, and both of you could be happier. Don’t fail this test.
I failed. Don’t you fail. You may suffer so much more when you realize both of you could be better. When you realize who you love the most is him will he be by your side again?
Don’t just see the pain you feel. Remember the times you had together and he’s the only one you shared so much with. If he could change, will it be a waste if you throw it away and can’t get back?
Don’t be blind like me…
just hate laa~
If hate is what it has become, then hate la…
I have no power over anything. I should say I could not even control my own emotions.
I always say use my brain, but I end up using my knee when it comes to relationships. Why is it so hard for me to relax? Why don’t I enjoy it like I do when I was with S?
If she wants to hate me, let her be, coz now I hate myself even more than she does. I can’t ask for forgiveness, nor could I say anything actually. The more I blurt out, the more stupid I get. The more movement I make, the messier it get.
As you can see another move more, the knife cuts in deeper. The wound bleeds even more unable to be healed. I should lay low from the beginning but I keep on running and running faster towards her. I tried to walk but I always end up running after her.
If I say I feel nothing now, actually I really don’t feel a thing. I just want to go back to enjoy my life. I don’t want to add misery into myself, and I don’t want to make her hate me more. I am just tired and more exhausted.
For me, the pain of hating myself covers up her hatred for me. So I can’t feel a thing now, just living my life with friends around me and enjoy the moment that passes. I really hope I can do what I am saying. Coz saying really ain’t enough. I keep banging into the wall again and again.
Let it be, just let It be…I don’t want to care don't want to hear don’t want to know…
See myself in the mirror…Owh~~ so beautiful~~
April 21, 2009
8 hours
We balance our day with 8 hours of sleep, 8 hours of work, and 8 hours of play, but we hardly follow that rule right? Instead we may end up sleeping 4 hours, work or studying more than 10 hours, n play around an hour or more…
im not trying to prove anything here, but we hardly c people working or studying 8 hours a day now. even travelling sometimes take up an hour plus… why is it so dull? Especially if you’re working, I don’t want to see myself in the future ending up working n working my life off.
Imagine ur time being bought at a price by a company. How much depends a lot on what you graduated on, and what type of boss u have. And imagine u don’t have any freedom to choose how many hours u work and u keep working till u get the job done, but when does the job actually gets done? One comes after the other.
Soon u have to spent overtime to finish everything that is due. Soon you realize u don’t have much time for other things…play, friends, and family doesn’t consist in your lifestyle anymore. Maybe u try to sleep lesser to gain back the leisure u lost. But in the long run…how does your health report shows?
After graduating form 6, working really took up a lot of my time to the extend I don’t see daylight for more than an hour, and I live in the dark eventually have no time to meet up the friends in high school.
Time…really matter a lot to us and different people value time in different ways and make use of it differently. For me now, I do hope to spend more time with friends and love ones and have fun a bit as I just graduate a heck of an exam. Working so hard like a ‘kuli’ really isn’t the thing I want now. I still have so damn much more years to live and work…this is the time to have fun!
This job im working in Low Yat now is perfect for me. I really work 8 hours a day but in between I log on the internet, watch movies, and chat a lot…its like having 8 hours more of leisure time in the 24 hours we have a day. After work I have enough time to chill out and keep track with mom as well as house work…
This temporary job is indeed cool, now I just want to be in this solitude sanctuary.
I conclude today that I went to sing k at greenbox the other day, and had loads of fun celebrating nicky’s birthday…and guess how long we sing for. Exactly 8 hours! Sing till our throat burst. The best thing is, that wasn’t even my off day. We sing from 8pm till 4am in the morning. ( all u can sing package)
Waiting for uni acceptance. Hope to get into a good uni and get the course I want~ pray with me…
Gan cheong o~~~
April 19, 2009
can't keep running
Been running far away from track lately, need to come back to the right course.
Is there a need to run? In some ways yes, but sometimes running might just cause to me to make a wrong turn and BANG, into a wall. So running ain’t goanna help at all.
Sometimes I run away from the truth, and run away from problems, leading to more trouble at the end of my journey. Sometimes I take short cuts that may lead to success, but sometimes lead to failures.
I am walking now, but I can’t resist myself to sometimes jog a little. When I jog, I accelerate again, without thinking, I choose to lie, cheat my way. Come on, all this for what? You are so hopeless, u think u’ve change to be better, yes, u did change yet u still hold on to how people may think about u.
Isn’t the truth just easy to say? You bother too much how people may see u. I despise myself a lot for being such a foolish liar. So fake of u. I thought I had my way around the corner; actually I turn back to where I started.
Don’t run too fast, u need to slow down and feel the wind. Now relax, and say to yourself don’t add another lie to your life, admit what you are doing and be proud of it, because what you are doing now isn’t wrong. You are moving the right step, and you are putting the things back into place.
It isn’t wrong to admit that you were wrong, you’ve admit it in front of your friends and almost the whole world, but why could you not face the person that you always see every day? What are you afraid of? Afraid of being condemn? Afraid of being the wrong one?
Why are you so blinded? Is it because you’ve made so many mistakes you could not admit that what you are doing now is really correct? Please stand bold to yourself. Lying will not help, it will just add up to more and more lies…
Slow down Michelle, think…use your damn brain…. Remember; nothing is impossible.
Is there a need to run? In some ways yes, but sometimes running might just cause to me to make a wrong turn and BANG, into a wall. So running ain’t goanna help at all.
Sometimes I run away from the truth, and run away from problems, leading to more trouble at the end of my journey. Sometimes I take short cuts that may lead to success, but sometimes lead to failures.
I am walking now, but I can’t resist myself to sometimes jog a little. When I jog, I accelerate again, without thinking, I choose to lie, cheat my way. Come on, all this for what? You are so hopeless, u think u’ve change to be better, yes, u did change yet u still hold on to how people may think about u.
Isn’t the truth just easy to say? You bother too much how people may see u. I despise myself a lot for being such a foolish liar. So fake of u. I thought I had my way around the corner; actually I turn back to where I started.
Don’t run too fast, u need to slow down and feel the wind. Now relax, and say to yourself don’t add another lie to your life, admit what you are doing and be proud of it, because what you are doing now isn’t wrong. You are moving the right step, and you are putting the things back into place.
It isn’t wrong to admit that you were wrong, you’ve admit it in front of your friends and almost the whole world, but why could you not face the person that you always see every day? What are you afraid of? Afraid of being condemn? Afraid of being the wrong one?
Why are you so blinded? Is it because you’ve made so many mistakes you could not admit that what you are doing now is really correct? Please stand bold to yourself. Lying will not help, it will just add up to more and more lies…
Slow down Michelle, think…use your damn brain…. Remember; nothing is impossible.
Labels: self talking
nonsense
How could such a person exist in my circle of close friends?
How can I let her into my life? And make a mess in it? I feel very fed up of this girl, I can’t stand her, she’s even worse than Addy…
She’s been constantly doing very childish and unacceptable things you’ll never know. Sometimes predictable, and sometimes not.
Almost every day surely there is a box full of surprise up for me to open it. Even if I choose not to open the box, another bigger box appears. Everything just adds up together as it is all link to that person. I regret a great deal to know her.
How could this be true? How evil she may be, she isn’t as crazy as that? I bet u don’t know what the hell I am talking about, but I never seen someone like her in my entire life. I heard of stories of crazy ex girlfriends, but I never encounter any of them.
Why am I in such a dilemma? I don’t have to care or bother about her actually, but she keep popping up, doing crazy things not just in front of me, but secretly behind me as well, and that I really can’t accept. I’ve scolded her a GAZZILION times, but to no avail. She just doesn’t understand the language I speak to her! Is this punishment?
Oh God, please help me. It’s enough to be punished in this way, coz it really is killing me… from the inside out.
I need to get out of this…………but im not running far away enough…I need to accelerate my speed, and go faster before she chase after me again, n again….like a nightmare.
How can I let her into my life? And make a mess in it? I feel very fed up of this girl, I can’t stand her, she’s even worse than Addy…
She’s been constantly doing very childish and unacceptable things you’ll never know. Sometimes predictable, and sometimes not.
Almost every day surely there is a box full of surprise up for me to open it. Even if I choose not to open the box, another bigger box appears. Everything just adds up together as it is all link to that person. I regret a great deal to know her.
How could this be true? How evil she may be, she isn’t as crazy as that? I bet u don’t know what the hell I am talking about, but I never seen someone like her in my entire life. I heard of stories of crazy ex girlfriends, but I never encounter any of them.
Why am I in such a dilemma? I don’t have to care or bother about her actually, but she keep popping up, doing crazy things not just in front of me, but secretly behind me as well, and that I really can’t accept. I’ve scolded her a GAZZILION times, but to no avail. She just doesn’t understand the language I speak to her! Is this punishment?
Oh God, please help me. It’s enough to be punished in this way, coz it really is killing me… from the inside out.
I need to get out of this…………but im not running far away enough…I need to accelerate my speed, and go faster before she chase after me again, n again….like a nightmare.
April 17, 2009
monk
Been laying down quietly, calmly and trying to enjoy the breeze of the wind.
Keeping my cool and let everything fall into place. I can’t predict the next storm, but I hope that I’ll be strong for anything cause I don’t wanna fall so flat.
I m picking up pieces of my heart through this journey. Along the road I walk trying to find which piece is mine. Should I secure your heart with a broken one?
Attaching the pieces together now, making it look fine. With this whole heart I would love you as if I never been hurt before. Love you with all my might, squeeze each drop of me for you.
Making sure this I don’t get lost in dense emotions that may cause chaos but be calm as I am walking this quiet road.
I may have everything in the world, but all is nothing if I can’t share it with you. Would you not join me? As we take on each storm that passes by. Would you not take my hand.
Unhealed, everything remains a dark stormy night to me. But I’ll go through this storm of life no matter what, I cannot back down or fall to sip the mud, but walk straight on forward till I reach the destination.
I will continue to lay here, meditating, reflecting, and have a sharp mind. Won’t be overwhelmed by rigid emotions alone, but with heart and mind I combine to stay alive.
April 14, 2009
i did it!
I told myself when I enter form 6, I will excel in my studies. And yeah baby, I did it.
I knew I would not be able to participate in many sports activities, especially my passion for running. So I told myself, although I may not excel in sports this 2 years, I will focus on my studies. I won’t get the best student for co-curricular, but I will be one of the best students in a subject, or even better overall best student of form 6!
Hehehe…I am dreaming again…
I did amazingly in STPM, and I am really grateful for what I’ve got although it may not be full pointer, but it is really a miracle, from god. I really was so happy till I tear a few drops of tears down my cheeks.
See that I gave up during my time in form 6, even SK by me oso felt the laziness overwhelming each part of our bodies. Lost and numb, we really didn’t know what to do, where to start, and what the hell are we in school for?
If I would recall, I tell you being in form 6 was a nightmare. You don’t have the initiative to study when work after work is pile up on ur desk. What type of work? RUBBISH to be exact. I really don’t wanna complain, but even some teachers are pain in the neck. You’ll understand if r in the same class with me.
I failed my test many times, and even not show up for exams. Out of 136 of school days, I present 86 times only…(I’ve check the record book)…I was really hopeless in exams as well as school activities being held. I really lost it. Lost my touch, lost myself to self condemned.
6 months before STPM, I started my journey, yet I still don’t know where to start, I’ve even got myself involve in a dance performance during the trials, I wanted to back out and just let it survive by itself, but after all the wrong steps I’ve made. I still want to make up something, and show to the world I still can manage a team of people.
But still it was not the proudest moment of my form6 year. It work out well, but I’ve hurt so many people along the way, and gave the wrong impression each time I could not control my anger.
I enslave myself towards studying right after trials were done, and the dance performance was finish. didn't bother how many pimples pop up, or if my eyes swollen. didn't care about anything that was happening around me. not even if there's an earthquake...
I studied 24/7 day and night I made love with the books all around me. I was Romeo to be exact, coz I spent 3 hour for each subject a day not to forget an hour break before I date the other subject.
I was in a state of nothing else is more important than what I study. I set my mentality that I am gonna finish this race with all of my effort no matter what. If I win or lose, I did my very best and I didn’t regret a single thing I’ve done during that month.
Yet I still doubt that I wouldn’t score well. I never thought that I would get better results than the others. Even when the date approaches when we will soon know our results, I wasn’t hopeful.
In the end, I’ve done it. I prove to myself that I can do it. I regain all the confidence I lack during f6, and I was on top of the world. The whole process that day that I took my results was so memorable, of how Pn. Yong called me to inform my results. Tears of joy filled my eyes the very moment I heard “you’ve got 2 A’s and 2 B’s”…
To past all the subjects and one A was enough for me, but I got more than I ask for. That very moment, all my effort was paid off. All that one month of quarantine and another month of sucker exams was worth it. Two months of anxiety and stress. I did it…yeah…I did it.
I knew I would not be able to participate in many sports activities, especially my passion for running. So I told myself, although I may not excel in sports this 2 years, I will focus on my studies. I won’t get the best student for co-curricular, but I will be one of the best students in a subject, or even better overall best student of form 6!
Hehehe…I am dreaming again…
I did amazingly in STPM, and I am really grateful for what I’ve got although it may not be full pointer, but it is really a miracle, from god. I really was so happy till I tear a few drops of tears down my cheeks.
See that I gave up during my time in form 6, even SK by me oso felt the laziness overwhelming each part of our bodies. Lost and numb, we really didn’t know what to do, where to start, and what the hell are we in school for?
If I would recall, I tell you being in form 6 was a nightmare. You don’t have the initiative to study when work after work is pile up on ur desk. What type of work? RUBBISH to be exact. I really don’t wanna complain, but even some teachers are pain in the neck. You’ll understand if r in the same class with me.
I failed my test many times, and even not show up for exams. Out of 136 of school days, I present 86 times only…(I’ve check the record book)…I was really hopeless in exams as well as school activities being held. I really lost it. Lost my touch, lost myself to self condemned.
6 months before STPM, I started my journey, yet I still don’t know where to start, I’ve even got myself involve in a dance performance during the trials, I wanted to back out and just let it survive by itself, but after all the wrong steps I’ve made. I still want to make up something, and show to the world I still can manage a team of people.
But still it was not the proudest moment of my form6 year. It work out well, but I’ve hurt so many people along the way, and gave the wrong impression each time I could not control my anger.
I enslave myself towards studying right after trials were done, and the dance performance was finish. didn't bother how many pimples pop up, or if my eyes swollen. didn't care about anything that was happening around me. not even if there's an earthquake...
I studied 24/7 day and night I made love with the books all around me. I was Romeo to be exact, coz I spent 3 hour for each subject a day not to forget an hour break before I date the other subject.
I was in a state of nothing else is more important than what I study. I set my mentality that I am gonna finish this race with all of my effort no matter what. If I win or lose, I did my very best and I didn’t regret a single thing I’ve done during that month.
Yet I still doubt that I wouldn’t score well. I never thought that I would get better results than the others. Even when the date approaches when we will soon know our results, I wasn’t hopeful.
In the end, I’ve done it. I prove to myself that I can do it. I regain all the confidence I lack during f6, and I was on top of the world. The whole process that day that I took my results was so memorable, of how Pn. Yong called me to inform my results. Tears of joy filled my eyes the very moment I heard “you’ve got 2 A’s and 2 B’s”…
To past all the subjects and one A was enough for me, but I got more than I ask for. That very moment, all my effort was paid off. All that one month of quarantine and another month of sucker exams was worth it. Two months of anxiety and stress. I did it…yeah…I did it.
Labels: school
April 12, 2009
rainier than december
Rainier than December…miss you more than ever.
Skies always look gloomy these days, and it’s hard for me to step out in the sunshine.
Maybe the sky is crying out the tears I keep inside, unable to erupt. If it does, would there be thunderstorms and hurricanes?
I am growing cold becoming cold blooded as I am stuck here in air-condition rooms. My fingers freezes till the extend I can’t feel its existence. My skin may dry off soon and wrinkle twice as fast as the old lady next door. My complexion may be fairer but soon i'll look lifeless. I don’t want to look like a dead zombie.
I’ve lost a few pounds and soon slim down to look like a beauty. Adding up all this features, I may soon look like a drug addict.
Thank God, when all falls down, I still have home which lives mum that is in an unwavering mood. I’ve been at home this few days, and almost a week now I lock myself from the world outside away from my insanity. Being at home now isn’t as hard as last time. mum n I do calm down a lot and sometimes joke around…
It is really a retreat and a refugee camp.
Not seeing anyone, not meeting anyone at night. Just finish my chores at home, chat a little and go to sleep as fast as possible. In dreams, time past faster. As always, night time is always the hardest time of the day to go through, especially when u miss someone. Wouldn’t you agree?
I do hope that time fades her pain, and restore her faith in me.
April 11, 2009
blue moon
Everything is blue under the blue moon.
Up and down…up n down, like waves beating up the ocean. That’s what my mood will be.
But when I want to feel better again, when I want to sweep the dust off my palms and help myself up. Tons of bricks come falling on me again.
This heart is so heavy now, and nothing can really cheer it up. even if my dream suddenly come true, I may break out into tears from everything. All because I have to face up with not just one person who left my life, my world, but a bunch. No I should be frank. Two to be exact.
J story keeps coming back to me wherever I go. Whatever I do. Each time I meet up someone, there the story goes. I really can’t predict and control myself if someone ask me about her again. How come too frequent this question comes back?
Tomorrow will be exactly one month. Or should I say tonight will be exactly one month that she’d left us all. I really don’t wanna think about it. But everything is coming back. There’s always something that reminds us, there always someone that bangs on my door.
Each time I answer ordinarily as if I am ok with it, I always add a smile towards the conversation.
But hey, I am not ok…
Ish! I hate to say this, but actually I am ok. Just that each time I recall, there it still lingers in my mind a while, and when another person come up to me and I have to tell them all over again… haiz…
I don’t like to repeat one thing over and over again, but our friends have the right to know bout it as well. If I reply solemnly or if I don’t reply they will feel bad as well. So all I can do is to smile over it.
I miss her so…and miss M a lot too…but all I can do, and all I may do is just nothing in her eyes. Even if I want to appreciate her more now, it would only mean rubbish to her.
Up and down…up n down, like waves beating up the ocean. That’s what my mood will be.
But when I want to feel better again, when I want to sweep the dust off my palms and help myself up. Tons of bricks come falling on me again.
This heart is so heavy now, and nothing can really cheer it up. even if my dream suddenly come true, I may break out into tears from everything. All because I have to face up with not just one person who left my life, my world, but a bunch. No I should be frank. Two to be exact.
J story keeps coming back to me wherever I go. Whatever I do. Each time I meet up someone, there the story goes. I really can’t predict and control myself if someone ask me about her again. How come too frequent this question comes back?
Tomorrow will be exactly one month. Or should I say tonight will be exactly one month that she’d left us all. I really don’t wanna think about it. But everything is coming back. There’s always something that reminds us, there always someone that bangs on my door.
Each time I answer ordinarily as if I am ok with it, I always add a smile towards the conversation.
But hey, I am not ok…
Ish! I hate to say this, but actually I am ok. Just that each time I recall, there it still lingers in my mind a while, and when another person come up to me and I have to tell them all over again… haiz…
I don’t like to repeat one thing over and over again, but our friends have the right to know bout it as well. If I reply solemnly or if I don’t reply they will feel bad as well. So all I can do is to smile over it.
I miss her so…and miss M a lot too…but all I can do, and all I may do is just nothing in her eyes. Even if I want to appreciate her more now, it would only mean rubbish to her.
April 10, 2009
masih bermimpi...
I still dream that we would be together.
I still wish that it could happen. Illusions keep playing in my head, of how we will move ahead. I keep on dreaming, hoping that it’ll come true. Can’t believe I’ve become like this. So crazy.
I play out what will be, and I sit here quietly waiting. Waiting for my heart to break more and more each day. I am so afraid, as one day passes it brings you closer to him. Where would I stand then?
I would just lay aside in a corner, not able to get you back again.
I made so many promises to myself, but see it can’t be fulfill without you to be in it.
Why would you let me go now, that I am back. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t lie to me. Don’t break another heart. Cause it is enough to break my heart.
I dream of the future. Dream of you and me and how we would be. Why crush this dream of mine? i know I am guilty, but isn’t it enough that I have my own punishment already?
I’ll slow down…..
I’ll turn around and prove to you that it is real.
Even if I have no more strength left in me. I hope to watch your back, be that soft pillow for you to fall on, and be that spring to push you back up.
Not by words alone I don’t want to just say this.
Labels: her
courtesy in the lift
I’ve been working here for 10 days, and realize some good manners still exist in our bustling city.
Every morning I will make my way up to the 4th floor by lift at 11am to be exact (the bus is also always on time). The lift (near the loading bay which is also near to Digi center) is always full with people.
While working in sg wang, everyday waiting for the lift is something you should fight for. If you’re not fast enough, then say goodbye and wait for the next turn, even if there is still place for a bunch of elephants.
But here, not just in the morning, but during lunch break, and also after work during the evening almost everyone practice good manners (in lift lah…)
there was one morning I thought no one is coming in, so I hurriedly press the 'close' button, suddenly the door open again and a guy came in. he didn't give a rude look on his face, but i still felt embarass and guilty. hey, it wasn't totally my fault because i didn't really c him.
But after that incident, I made sure I would look around before I enter the lift and see whether is there anyone rushing from behind or not. Because you see, doing a small good deed especially in the morning makes the day a happier one.
Each time I enter a lift, there’s surely someone pressing the <> button for other people to come in and in return they get a grateful thanks. Even if everybody is in a rush, there’s surely a little more time for you to wait for someone you may not know.
Here I don’t usually rush for the lift but be the 1st few inside. Yet I can feel how grateful that person would be when someone in the lift actually waited. It’s one good phenomenon going on in Low Yat.
Happy ^^
Labels: besides her
April 09, 2009
don't change
Will she think of me?
Or just him instead,
Will she remember,
Or just forget,
Will she talk to me again?
Or keep silent till the end,
Will she forgive me,
Or hate me to be exact.
Well will she or will she not love me,
I will love her still,
In my heart she stays there still,
No one can change it,
Not even myself.
Even as night creeps in,
My hearts misses her so,
And if it rains,
So does the feeling flow.
I will wait.
Even as mountains fall down,
And seas tore apart,
I will wait.
Even if I would change my path,
Change my life, but not my heart.
It remains the same for you.
m2m
April 08, 2009
wasn't found after all
The day I took you away from my heart is the day I start losing myself, without my notice.
When I left, I venture out to seek myself. Not long later I found one side that I lost. But by gaining this part, I lost even more of myself…
By leaving you, I linger too far away to another land I do not recognize. I try to adapt to this new place, but see I really could not. This place looks so nice, it lure me right in, and i did not take any precautions; I trust that this place is right for me.
But when I go in, it wasn’t like heaven but hell as I thought it would be. I burnt myself till my skin comes off and till I could not see my own self. I am lost.
Me without you is like a blind person without its stick. I really thought I don’t need you to be my stick. But I was wrong…again. I’ve gone too far away from where I should be, now I am looking back, and you’re not there for me.
See that I’m not myself, and I can’t be myself again without u. I din realize it until now. Unconsciously I’ve made you a part of me. I erased you from my thoughts, but keep coming back; especially when I was in hell.
When I thought I found myself, actually I did not…instead I became worst off. I may walk the road ahead alone, but I see that now I wasn’t that Michelle Leong that exists long ago.
As time washes away the pain S gave me, it wash away my true self with it as well. I am not that naïve anymore and I don’t wish to have the same past relationships I had. So I became different. I thought I was better, but actually I leave a part for me to rebel anytime.
And so beginning of this year, I rebel. I lost my loyalty, and I fail my test. The test between one going to work and one studying. I failed and could not re-sit this test, but all I can do is to make sure where my heart truly lies, and appreciate the moments ahead. With or without you.
April 07, 2009
blossom
I planted a seed, but when it starts to bear its fruit, I cut it down.
I took my time to nurture it. I cared for it. I watered it, and made sure the sun don’t shine too hard on it.
But as time pass, I neglected it. I grew inpatient of it. All I needed was time, but as I walk through a garden, I saw wild flowers that blossom so well and marvelously…
I could not see that I have a seed with me, thus I go pluck those flowers for myself. I went on happily with my life and let that seed to grow on its own.
Yet no long after, the flowers ii pluck were actually poisonous for me and I became allergic of it till the extend I almost got ill and die because of it. There I realize everything was so different. What had happened to the seed I planted?
Just as I look back to see the seed, it isn’t there anymore. It becomes a flower now, and I could not recognize it. I wanted to care for it again, and make it mine. But it was too late. It isn’t mine now. I could not see it nor nurture it the way I did before.
The time I left it alone, It grew strong and I am so proud of it now. Even if we could not continue our road ahead together, I still hope the best for her, and the memories together are something that can’t be put away just like that.
I am thankful to once had you with me. And made me realize a lot of my weaknesses, not yours.
April 06, 2009
a month...
does a month seem long or short? [keep your opinion to yourself]...
as for me, in terms of time, it is actually short, but how could so much have happened and changed in 30 days?...
and this shows me, in a month it is actually quite long...
for her to hurt that much...even before that month...she was damage by my greed and pride. dissapointed and betrayed, confused and hate.
within a month i let B into my life, and within a month i vomited her out. i could not swallow her nor taste how sweet love should be.
but by not saying no, i was getting ready to jump off a cliff as this pirate is pushing me to the end.
where was i at that moment? what happen to my brain? did it stop functioning, or just my heart hijacked it.
does anyone know that the heart has no eyes, only the brain sees. but what the hell happened?
and within a month, she's not there already. so fast this ship took off, like a rocket...like how i flew to pluto...
as i make my way back through space, through lightyears and lightyears, a month becomes so long.
a month....
as for me, in terms of time, it is actually short, but how could so much have happened and changed in 30 days?...
and this shows me, in a month it is actually quite long...
for her to hurt that much...even before that month...she was damage by my greed and pride. dissapointed and betrayed, confused and hate.
within a month i let B into my life, and within a month i vomited her out. i could not swallow her nor taste how sweet love should be.
but by not saying no, i was getting ready to jump off a cliff as this pirate is pushing me to the end.
where was i at that moment? what happen to my brain? did it stop functioning, or just my heart hijacked it.
does anyone know that the heart has no eyes, only the brain sees. but what the hell happened?
and within a month, she's not there already. so fast this ship took off, like a rocket...like how i flew to pluto...
as i make my way back through space, through lightyears and lightyears, a month becomes so long.
a month....
April 05, 2009
don't need
I see that I don’t need someone that can always be by my side whenever I need her. I just need her to love me and me to love her, and even oceans divide us, I will still love her.
I could see myself at that moment as if I froze time. In my mind, I constantly playback those scenes, of how I betrayed her. I stand beside myself, looking at myself. And how it hurts so much to be me.
It hurts to know that u’ll never be back. And I am just a fool to come back.
I can see that it doesn’t mean that we need to meet each day to love one another, or show how much you love that person. I could not see it…
I am sorry…
Deep down inside, something is calling. The bell is ringing. Wake up, look who’s always next to you. Next to your heart. Who have been a part of you? U change too fast, running away from the happiness you had, finding something else that isn’t there, finding someone to love you more.
But hey, come back…it was here all along, u just throw it away.
The tower was half build, on the way to the top, but I hammered it down. the times we had together will never be shared with another, and what we had wasn’t easy to build. I just don’t want to build another castle all over again. I am tired.
But when I come back home, u change the lock. And i don’t hold the key. Someone else have the key now. I am just a stranger that passes by. Only able to look through the window…
I fall so fast, and wake up so fast. I myself could not believe what had happened?
I don’t need someone to always be by my side if I don’t love her. I love you, and it’s true. So many times, so coincidentally you pop up. Why do u still appear in my heart? I’ve put you aside already. You should not appear.
Why do I regret what I did? Couldn’t I continue to be that monster? Why do have to wake up? And why when I wake up, you are not there anymore.
This is what I did. For u not to be there is ordinary. I can only blame myself not being able to know my own heart. And when I finally regret about it, it is too late.
I could see myself at that moment as if I froze time. In my mind, I constantly playback those scenes, of how I betrayed her. I stand beside myself, looking at myself. And how it hurts so much to be me.
It hurts to know that u’ll never be back. And I am just a fool to come back.
I can see that it doesn’t mean that we need to meet each day to love one another, or show how much you love that person. I could not see it…
I am sorry…
Deep down inside, something is calling. The bell is ringing. Wake up, look who’s always next to you. Next to your heart. Who have been a part of you? U change too fast, running away from the happiness you had, finding something else that isn’t there, finding someone to love you more.
But hey, come back…it was here all along, u just throw it away.
The tower was half build, on the way to the top, but I hammered it down. the times we had together will never be shared with another, and what we had wasn’t easy to build. I just don’t want to build another castle all over again. I am tired.
But when I come back home, u change the lock. And i don’t hold the key. Someone else have the key now. I am just a stranger that passes by. Only able to look through the window…
I fall so fast, and wake up so fast. I myself could not believe what had happened?
I don’t need someone to always be by my side if I don’t love her. I love you, and it’s true. So many times, so coincidentally you pop up. Why do u still appear in my heart? I’ve put you aside already. You should not appear.
Why do I regret what I did? Couldn’t I continue to be that monster? Why do have to wake up? And why when I wake up, you are not there anymore.
This is what I did. For u not to be there is ordinary. I can only blame myself not being able to know my own heart. And when I finally regret about it, it is too late.
hard to say i'm sorry
Everybody need a little time away
I heard her say, from each other
Even lovers need a holiday
Far away from each other
Hold me now
It's hard for me to say, I'm sorry
I just want you to stay
After all that you've been through
I will make it up to you,
I promise you baby
And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me
I can't let go
Couldn't stand to be kept away
Not for a day, from your body
Wouldn't wanna be swept away
Far away from the one that I love
Hold me now
It's hard for me to say, I'm sorry
I just want you to know
Hold me now
I really wanna tell you I'm sorry
I could never let you go
After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you, I promise you
And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me
I can't let go
After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you, I promise you
You're gonna be the lucky one
When we get there gona jump in the air
No one will see us 'cause there's nobody there
After all, you know we really don't care
Hold on, I'm gonna take you there
I heard her say, from each other
Even lovers need a holiday
Far away from each other
Hold me now
It's hard for me to say, I'm sorry
I just want you to stay
After all that you've been through
I will make it up to you,
I promise you baby
And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me
I can't let go
Couldn't stand to be kept away
Not for a day, from your body
Wouldn't wanna be swept away
Far away from the one that I love
Hold me now
It's hard for me to say, I'm sorry
I just want you to know
Hold me now
I really wanna tell you I'm sorry
I could never let you go
After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you, I promise you
And after all that's been said and done
You're just a part of me
I can't let go
After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you, I promise you
You're gonna be the lucky one
When we get there gona jump in the air
No one will see us 'cause there's nobody there
After all, you know we really don't care
Hold on, I'm gonna take you there
Hard to Say I'm Sorry-Chicago
April 04, 2009
HATE
I hate myself so much,
So much to the extend I hate looking at the mirror, I want to change my name, change my address, my look, change the things that can stop me from seeing myself.
Maybe I am just over saying this… but truly I hate myself right now, and the silly decisions I made.
I made such a fool of myself, even if the people around me could forgive me, I still feel that guilt so much inside of me.
How could I be so silly? What was I thinking? Why do I have to wake up from this and become even more guilty…if I could just sleep, and not know anything…but I can’t.
I was trap. To think that she could be that angel for me, I was so WRONG!... I put aside my dignity, put aside how people see me, put aside her past, but the whole situation over turn on me.
I am still numb and blur about it, how can such a person, I let her into my life. I know from the beginning that we walk different paths, but I still could put it aside. At that moment I was so blinded by the way she could treat me.
She was so good to me, and better than anyone could imagine. But all that was a lie, it had a price to pay for. It was wrapped up so nicely and under that disguise lays that trap for me.
I admit I was wrong that I did not push her away from the start, just because I was too greedy. But no one could imagine how much she changed in a few days. Just a few days were enough for me to see the truth. Why does everything have to happen so fast every time?
I’ve never met someone like B before, my friends did warn me to be careful, that whenever someone is good to you, they expect much more from you. They warn me not to go into the fire. But all I could see is a sincere heart that wants to be love as much as I do.
She hide a lot of things from me, and when we were together, all hell breaks loose. She is too good, and too bad. I find that I am really not suitable for her, as I can’t give her my all. She needs someone that can do that for her. That’s not me.
Could she not see that everything needs time, even how fast I rush, I still need to stop, still need to rest. I could not love her that fast. I hope you know what I mean.
I wasn’t giving up yet, I want to hold on as this is the weakest point of her life now. Yet again she breaks my trust and misused my care upon her. She had to make it so hard for the both of us, she had to say it.
I totally give up. I raise my white flag and surrender.
After that battle I will not show any mercy on her anymore. This I swear.
She makes me hate myself even more when I already hate myself. Why I could not see, or be stronger? Why was I so foolish? So so so so so foolish. I am awake now. And I really need to restore my brain and faith towards my own self. I really need to lock myself up to stop myself from being a monster.
Till I have faith in my own self again.
So much to the extend I hate looking at the mirror, I want to change my name, change my address, my look, change the things that can stop me from seeing myself.
Maybe I am just over saying this… but truly I hate myself right now, and the silly decisions I made.
I made such a fool of myself, even if the people around me could forgive me, I still feel that guilt so much inside of me.
How could I be so silly? What was I thinking? Why do I have to wake up from this and become even more guilty…if I could just sleep, and not know anything…but I can’t.
I was trap. To think that she could be that angel for me, I was so WRONG!... I put aside my dignity, put aside how people see me, put aside her past, but the whole situation over turn on me.
I am still numb and blur about it, how can such a person, I let her into my life. I know from the beginning that we walk different paths, but I still could put it aside. At that moment I was so blinded by the way she could treat me.
She was so good to me, and better than anyone could imagine. But all that was a lie, it had a price to pay for. It was wrapped up so nicely and under that disguise lays that trap for me.
I admit I was wrong that I did not push her away from the start, just because I was too greedy. But no one could imagine how much she changed in a few days. Just a few days were enough for me to see the truth. Why does everything have to happen so fast every time?
I’ve never met someone like B before, my friends did warn me to be careful, that whenever someone is good to you, they expect much more from you. They warn me not to go into the fire. But all I could see is a sincere heart that wants to be love as much as I do.
She hide a lot of things from me, and when we were together, all hell breaks loose. She is too good, and too bad. I find that I am really not suitable for her, as I can’t give her my all. She needs someone that can do that for her. That’s not me.
Could she not see that everything needs time, even how fast I rush, I still need to stop, still need to rest. I could not love her that fast. I hope you know what I mean.
I wasn’t giving up yet, I want to hold on as this is the weakest point of her life now. Yet again she breaks my trust and misused my care upon her. She had to make it so hard for the both of us, she had to say it.
I totally give up. I raise my white flag and surrender.
After that battle I will not show any mercy on her anymore. This I swear.
She makes me hate myself even more when I already hate myself. Why I could not see, or be stronger? Why was I so foolish? So so so so so foolish. I am awake now. And I really need to restore my brain and faith towards my own self. I really need to lock myself up to stop myself from being a monster.
Till I have faith in my own self again.
April 03, 2009
putting the rocks down..
Im letting it go, unpacking the rocks that I carry up alongside the road I walk on..
It is too heavy for me to bear it anymore, and I keep on picking up rocks to add on my burden.
In the end I hurt myself too much to go on. I will sit down hear quietly as I should from the start.
Slow things down a bit, and be satisfied with what I have or had.
I have only a pair of hands, and a back to support. I really don’t have so much room for that many rocks to carry. Picking up unnecessary weight up on my shoulder.
I may grow stronger form all this exercise, but its overloading, and the rocks increases before I could grow stronger. I just want to rest that is all.
I see that I don’t have to gain so much by doing even more…I should see that I have people to care for me from the beginning…why become so greedy?...
Maybe the answer is I am greedy all the while, and it finally become the worst of worst. Become too proud of myself to the extend I don’t see myself.
That once little me…in a short period of time, become so big…and was swollen with pride. Look at yourself now, where have u gone? How far u reach what u want to succeed?
You did not…
Now u are just back to zero…could you not stay calm like u once did? When the sky fall down on you, u would just let it be ur blanket…u were…the one people were proud of u… learn from u, admire u….but now, u become too proud of yourself…
I am 20…and where I stand? Moving along as the wind blow u…
I sit here now, and reflect…I thank god that I am looking back…n make my past my lessons for the future…I thank god I have time now, to stop and see…not banging into the wall again and again…
So I will be…
It is too heavy for me to bear it anymore, and I keep on picking up rocks to add on my burden.
In the end I hurt myself too much to go on. I will sit down hear quietly as I should from the start.
Slow things down a bit, and be satisfied with what I have or had.
I have only a pair of hands, and a back to support. I really don’t have so much room for that many rocks to carry. Picking up unnecessary weight up on my shoulder.
I may grow stronger form all this exercise, but its overloading, and the rocks increases before I could grow stronger. I just want to rest that is all.
I see that I don’t have to gain so much by doing even more…I should see that I have people to care for me from the beginning…why become so greedy?...
Maybe the answer is I am greedy all the while, and it finally become the worst of worst. Become too proud of myself to the extend I don’t see myself.
That once little me…in a short period of time, become so big…and was swollen with pride. Look at yourself now, where have u gone? How far u reach what u want to succeed?
You did not…
Now u are just back to zero…could you not stay calm like u once did? When the sky fall down on you, u would just let it be ur blanket…u were…the one people were proud of u… learn from u, admire u….but now, u become too proud of yourself…
I am 20…and where I stand? Moving along as the wind blow u…
I sit here now, and reflect…I thank god that I am looking back…n make my past my lessons for the future…I thank god I have time now, to stop and see…not banging into the wall again and again…
So I will be…
April 02, 2009
pokai in bus...
Today is another normal day with my daily routine, as I wake up, bath, eat breakfast, water the plants, set up my hair, and out I go to take bus…
But today I pokai in the bus for very first time in my entire life. To think that I am so agile n stabil, I came clean today. Hahaha…
The bus suddenly stop to avoid the car in front, when it break I was push the front, but still could stand up… but when the driver accelerate with force, I fall backwards and landed on my bum…
I tried to grab hold of anything, but there were only people around me…I can’t grab them, if not they will accuse me of molestation…
No one was laughing but I myself wanted to laugh out…but how to laugh like that in the bus…
The conductor was nearby at that moment, he held out his hands to help me up, I hesitated cause he wasn’t handsome enough, yet I had no where to grab except all the asses around me…
Thank god there weren’t anyone I know in the bus…but there were those I see everyday as we all take bus at the same time everyday…
I change to a new job again, in Low Yat now…the highest floor to be exact. Here I am too free, and really a nice environment…8 hours a day, 1 hour break, no one to bother me, I really do feel that I need this solitude from everything outside, and from everyone…
Here I have 8 hours to reflect on things, find myself, blog, log on the internet, read, study, chat, and basically just do whatever I want. (in this small box only)…
I do feel much more relax here, no stress, or burden…no responsibility…no nothing…
I just want to be a lazy bug awhile…as so much has happened within this few months, I really nid a break from all this hard work.
For me to be able to function well again…I nid this hibernation…alone…
But today I pokai in the bus for very first time in my entire life. To think that I am so agile n stabil, I came clean today. Hahaha…
The bus suddenly stop to avoid the car in front, when it break I was push the front, but still could stand up… but when the driver accelerate with force, I fall backwards and landed on my bum…
I tried to grab hold of anything, but there were only people around me…I can’t grab them, if not they will accuse me of molestation…
No one was laughing but I myself wanted to laugh out…but how to laugh like that in the bus…
The conductor was nearby at that moment, he held out his hands to help me up, I hesitated cause he wasn’t handsome enough, yet I had no where to grab except all the asses around me…
Thank god there weren’t anyone I know in the bus…but there were those I see everyday as we all take bus at the same time everyday…
I change to a new job again, in Low Yat now…the highest floor to be exact. Here I am too free, and really a nice environment…8 hours a day, 1 hour break, no one to bother me, I really do feel that I need this solitude from everything outside, and from everyone…
Here I have 8 hours to reflect on things, find myself, blog, log on the internet, read, study, chat, and basically just do whatever I want. (in this small box only)…
I do feel much more relax here, no stress, or burden…no responsibility…no nothing…
I just want to be a lazy bug awhile…as so much has happened within this few months, I really nid a break from all this hard work.
For me to be able to function well again…I nid this hibernation…alone…
April 01, 2009
slow me down
Rushing and racing and running in circles
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere
My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart
Save me
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me downDon't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down
Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere
All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Pass me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart
Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down
Just show me
I need you to slow me down
Slow me down
Slow me down
The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe
Somebody please
Slow me down
Moving so fast I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere
My head and my heart are colliding chaotic
Pace of the world I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart
Save me
Somebody take my hand and lead me
Slow me downDon't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down
Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I falter again
Forgetting to breathe
I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere
All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Pass me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart
Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flies by
I need you to slow me down
Just show me
I need you to slow me down
Slow me down
Slow me down
The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe
Somebody please
Slow me down
Slow Me Down-Emmy RossuM
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